No Sausage???

I received an email from a friend who is aware of my struggle with infertility. The email was titled “Happy Holidays” and included the following message and pictures:

How could we have missed it? March 15 was Penis Day in Japan. Here are the photos. The actual festival is called Honen Matsuri. Celebrated every March 15 in Komaki, a town about 45 minutes north of Nagoya, Japan, this is the time of year where folks haul out a large wooden penis to give three cheers to fertility and renewal. The custom is an old one that is connected to bringing about a good harvest and having babies.

After initially laughing at the pictures I decided it reminded me of Ravens "No Sausage" haiku.

Here are my observations:

1) Why is the penis the symbol for fertility? Really all the penis does is deliver the sperm to the proper receptical. They should be carrying giant wooden testicles (hair and all), or a uterus and ovaries.

2) Why is the reporter in one of the pictures holding such a long microphone?

3) Who decided it would be cute to have a penis hanging off their nose?

4) If you look closely at the white 'sperm like' costumes of the people carrying the giant wooden penis down the street I think you'll see D@ve from FT.

The Legend of Spike

The narwhal named Willy Ramrod Dickhole Monodon Monoceros (more commonly known by his badboy nickname Spike) was appointed the patron saint of male infertility due to his genealogic relationship with the sperm whale and his phallic shaped horn/tusk/spike. While one would commonly think that the sperm whale would be a better choice, there are a number of reasons that Spike won this battle. The sperm whale while having the largest brain of any animal was not appropriate as we know that men don't think with their cranium brain, but the their other phallic one. As we have recently learned from Spike’s action figure packaging, his white battle horn “shoots blizzard beams" which is how he freezes sperm for later occasions and donor needs. His white battle horn also “freezes time” which we only wish he could do for our eggs when we were younger. He only eats Swedish fish (other jelly candy cannot be substituted). He has genetically adapted to perform deep dives that our males’ sperm should emulate when diving into an egg. He may dive more than 15 times in a day, and stay down for 25 minutes at a time. If only our men could perform that well! As he lives in the artic, he think cold showers are the best wake up calls!

Some little known facts: Spike is a NARcoleptic which is why he is sometimes asleep and unable to guarantee fertilization. He is also addicted to NARcotics, which helps him empathize with all of us infertile women who are willing to shoot ourselves up with anything as long as it could get us pregnant. He is NARcissistic, but then again, most of the men we know are! He believes every good story has a strong NARrative which is why he is allowing Raven to write up his tale. He hates NARrow-minded people and dismisses them with NARy a thought. However, he truly appreciates a good sNARky comment.

A bit of history from Wikipedia is enlightening:

In Inuit legend, the narwhal's tusk was created when a woman with a harpoon rope tied around her waist was dragged into the ocean after the harpoon had struck a large narwhal. She was transformed into a narwhal herself, and her hair, that she was wearing in a twisted knot, became the characteristic spiral narwhal tusk.

Some medieval Europeans believed narwhal tusks to be the horns from the legendary unicorn. (You see there IS a connection!) As these horns were considered to have magic powers, such as the ability to cure poison and melancholia, Vikings and other northern traders were able to sell them for many times their weight in gold. The tusks were used to make cups that were thought to negate any poison that may have been slipped into the drink. During the 16th century, Queen Elizabeth received a carved and bejeweled narwhal tusk for £10,000—the cost of a castle (approximately £1.5—2.5 Million in 2007, using the retail price index). The tusks were staples of the cabinet of curiosities.

Make sure your men know that vitamins and wheatgrass only go so far….they need to be paying homage to Spike as well! Tell them to take a cold shower and eat some Swedish Fish!

Perspective and Such: The Screams of A Mother

I ate lunch with my husband today in the cafeteria of the children's hospital which is a part of the medical center where he works.  It's a relatively small cafeteria and has wide double doors which stay open to the hallway.

Shortly after we sat down, we heard, over the din of cafeteria employees serving food, patrons eating and talking and other cafeteria sounds, a blood curdling scream.  At first we weren't certain what was going on, and most (if not all) of the people surrounding us seemed unaffected or unaware.  That initial scream was followed by the most primal, uninhibited, from-the-depths-of-the-soul wailing and screaming that I had ever heard.  It went on for about a minute, maybe until they moved this mother to a more private, sound-proof room. 

It quickly became clear to my husband and me that a mother had just received devastating news.  I don't know if she had just found out that her child had died or if she had just learned that her child was going to die.  But we sat in silence, just looking at each other...thinking about how this life, these lives had just been changed in the most dreaded and terrifying way.

"Sobering" doesn't even begin to describe the feeling in those moments.  I know this isn't exactly and directly related to what everyone is going through here...but I did think of you girls and wanted to share this with you.

A whole lot of suck going on- ectopic questions

I'm sorry I've had trouble updating the community here and the "Who Shot my Stork?" But the last month has been crazy. I went through my IVF, had two perfect 8 cells. Started to feel symptoms in the 2ww. Tested early and my hpt was negative. Tested again and had 3 positive hpts. Beta #1 was only a 14, and I knew that was bad news. I was devastated. I tried to make my peace with it.

Beta #2 was 4 days later and it was a 36. So, we thought it's over for real now, we tried to make our peace with it finally.

Beta #3 was 4 days later and the number quadrupled to a 160. We all admitted confusion and wait to see what was going on.

The day after Beta 3 I started spotting, and 3 days later I bled a lot, with clots. I had some wine that night, took some Advil, told friends who knew it was over. We cried and made our peace with it AGAIN as best we could.

Beta #4 was 4 days later and my beta is now a 552. My uterus is still clear, but it would be you usually can't see a sac until it's closer to 1000. They told me they were concerned about progesterone (why? Isn't this over???) and to double my dose. They aren't sure whether it is:

- an ectopic (still not visible)
- a miscarriage (betas still haven't come down somehow)
- small chance of viability- how with passing of clots I don't know. It would have to be a miracle in my opinion. Lots of people are posing the "lost twin", i just don't know and of course don't want to hope for something soooo far off.

But after going through so much, I can't think it's anything but over and hoping it's NOT an ectopic.

I have heard some of you ladies have had an ectopic in the past?? At what point, does it start becoming dangerous? I mean, it can't rupture a tube if my beta is still only in the hundreds, and if they can't see it yet, correct? My doc scheduled my next scan and bloods for Thursday. They do not feel it's dangerous yet, but told me to be on the lookout of course.

This just plain old, flat out, SUCKS. It is the most draining and maddening part of my fertility experience so far (and that's saying something, after 2 other m/c's and 2 other IVF's.) I just want to be able to move on, and even that can't happen.

Any advice is appreciated...Thanks for listening to my tale of woe. I am not the miracle child of IVF, sadly.

Introductions

Hello,

I found your blog yesterday and spent all day poring over it. I found it at just the right time, because I really need to be part of this conversation! I have been feeling very isolated for a while now with my IF experience.

So, here's a little bit about me: I am 34 years old, and my husband and I have been trying to conceive for over 18 months. We tried naturally for about 9 months, but in that time I had some very negative experiences with doctors that made me paranoid in general about being dismissed and under-diagnosed, and probably led me to worry and seek intervention sooner than I might have otherwise. I had a high thyroid test (Hashimoto's hypothyroidism) but had a number of doctors tell me that things were fine, that I didn't need medication, etc. Since I had already been ttc for 7 or so months at that point, I was already feeling uneasy, and that's when my self-diagnosis on the Internet began. Reading about links between thyroid and conception/infant health just made me very mistrustful of my doctors, with whom I also had some truly horrific experiences I won't go into in detail right now (I was screamed at by an RE to "Stop thinking I could control everything... I could end up with a kid with Autism; we're not robots! We can't control nature!") All of this is just to say that I started my IF journey feeling at times that I was "hysterically" inventing the problem, and having a hard time getting any acknowledgment or support that something might actually be wrong.

I eventually found a good Endocrinologist to treat my hypothyroidism, and then a fertility clinic here in NYC where one doctor accepts my insurance (RMA: http://www.rmany.com/) Since September 2009, I've been going to RMA regularly. My RE there diagnosed me immediately with PCOS, although I do not have all the "classic" symptoms of pcos (it was something that had been overlooked by other docs). I do have polycystic ovaries on an ultrasound, but I also do get regular periods (albeit long cycles - 32-34 days) on my own, and I'm fairly sure that I ovulate at least most of them time during those cycles. Although my doctor likes to refer to my "erratic, irregular cycles," the truth is that my cycles were not all that irregular before I started intervention; they were just on the long side. My experience with RMA has been that they are competent and efficient; the nurses return calls and results swiftly, and they are always open. But my doctor - who is well regarded and well published in the field - very clearly sees me as a statistic and an age category. His treatment of me is technically proficient, and may in fact be the best option, but I don't get a sense that he really thinks about me as an individual case. At all. He definitely needs to re-read my chart every time he talks to me, and then makes a decision based on the information in front of him. He is not very interested in my thinking, and after my failed IVF, did not arrange to discuss with me, but just said, "Ok, when do you want to do your FET?" My biggest complaint at this point is that he doesn't provide me with ANY information, just "solutions" (which so far haven't worked). He seemingly has zero curiosity about why my IVF failed when everything looked perfect throughout the cycle.

So, here's my treatment history, all at RMA: I had 4 cycles of Clomid (various doses) with IUI's -- all BFN. I had one cycle of Gonal-F injections with IUI, in which I had 4-5 eggs -- BFN. I just had my first IVF in April/May. As they could have predicted (and perhaps better planned for) I "overstimulated" and had 47 eggs on extraction! I was completely thrilled when 20 of them fertilized. We transferred two beautiful day-5 blastocysts (Grade A) -- BFN. I was really devastated, as I had thought of IVF as my "last resort." I also kind of thought, pragmatically, at least it will show us something. If my eggs don't fertilize, at least we'll know they're terrible. But that didn't happen, and everything looked so good! (btw, my husband's SA is fine -- borderline low morphology, but his sperm count is consistently extremely high). On both my Gonal-F IUI cycle and my IVF cycle, I am pretty sure that I felt some "pinches" or "twinges" that I am now suspecting were implantation pangs. On my IVF beta, I had trace amounts of hcg in my system, enough that they re-tested me two days later just to confirm. The nurse said this maybe suggests that something started to implant, but then stopped dividing. Now I am wondering if this is the issue -- that my eggs do get fertilized, but just can't keep dividing. My lining always looks great on the ultrasound, and though I've had borderline low Progesterone tests in the past, I'm always on the supplements or POI shots, and the numbers are high. My progesterone test with the IVF was around 27. So I don't think the problem would be inability to implant, but maybe there's a genetic factor or something else that might cause the embryos to arrest or stop dividing? This is something I need to ask my doctor about, I guess.

We are now moving into a second IVF cycle. Although we have five frozen blastocysts, we are doing another fresh cycle this summer, partly because I am a teacher and can not go through that during a school year again, and partly because we want to exhaust my insurance benefit on the more expensive treatment before we do the FET. Once that insurance benefit is gone (after this fresh cycle) we will be paying for everything out of pocket, and I don't think we are able or willing to do much of that. We don't really want to spend all of our "adoption money" on treatments that may or may not result in a child, so I think one FET would be our last intervention before moving on to adoption. So, as I move into a second fresh IVF, I am hoping you all can help me figure out which very specific questions to ask my doctor (I am going to call and schedule an appointment just to review my treatment this week). I am hoping to impress upon him that this is likely our last shot, and that I really want to explore possible reasons for why the first IVF failed. If my embryos are not dividing, why is that? Is there anything we can do to get a better outcome? Are there specific tests I should be asking for? This is really the time to do it!

I am currently on Provera to bring on my period, as this cycle after the failed IVF is stretching on quite long (I'm on day 32, but bloodwork last week on day 27 showed that I wasn't even close to ovulating). I'm hating this provera, but hoping it brings on my period sooner rather than later. Once that comes, I'll go into bcp and lupron, and hopefully start stimming again end of July. Part of me wanted to try and switch clinics because of the impersonal, "one size fits all" treatment at RMA, but Cornell doesn't have any appointments until end of summer, and I really just want to move forward with this. I suppose if things fail again, we may try to move on to Cornell, but at that point we'll be out of money, so I'm not sure.

Well, this is getting long, so I'll end it here. I will just add, though, that despite my truly wonderful, sensitive, supportive husband, K., I feel very alone with all this. My best friend got pregnant in October after 2 months of trying, she's due in 2 weeks, and this has basically ruined our friendship, at least for now. My cousin is also due at the end of the month, and over the last year and a half I've watched everyone around me get pregnant, have babies, and move forward with their lives while mine stands still. I feel like time moves on and changes happen for other people, but I am just stuck in cycle after cycle of stagnation and disappointment and heartbreak. I feel like I've fallen off the wheel, and the consequence has really been that I hide away, hang out with my husband, and avoid social situations as much as possible. I just feel like I can't relate to anyone, and they definitely can not relate to me.

Thanks for reading this, and I really do look forward to "talking" with you all! Please do comment if you have some suggestions about what I should ask my doctor now...

Thanks so much,
Jen

To Tell or not to Tell that is the Question

I posted this over on the Stork site and wanted to share here. It was a response to another post where we were talking about how we feel sharing our IVF journey.

(all sorts of things mentioned - just a warning)

This is so hard to explain isn't it? How we feel about discussing and not discussing? The other night I was with a bunch of girlfriends - my friend who has done everything ART under the sun that we have done and haven't done, plus waiting for adoption (she knows my whole story) as well as my friend who is 6 months pregnant with her 3rd, a single gal friend who at 44 feels she won't ever have the chance to try for a baby, and a married friend who does not want children. They were asking me about where I was with my IF procedures and what was next, etc. I wanted to be offended at first like "how dare you ask me about that", but I thought, they genuinely want to know and genuinely want me to have success. I gave them the latest and didn't feel that pity feeling you sometimes get from people. I just felt support like I do here. I think that is what I hate the most - that "awww, you poor infertile little thing" feeling. I feel I can't look the fertilies in the eye sometimes. Especially those with child or a newer baby. I am afraid I will cry, give them a dirtly look or I don't know what.

Even though I absolutely know this is not my fault, I can't help but feel like my body is broken in a way that says I am somehow less than a woman. There I said it out loud. That is how I feel. Factor in being 41 and I've added that I'm also old to the mix. I'm old and broken and less than a woman. When there is a woman around who can remind me of that by showing me how unbroken and whole she is with her baby/pg I resent her at least a little. Even if she is my friend and I care about her. Does that make me a bad person? I feel that sometimes that it does. Sometimes I wish I was one of those happy all the time, glass half full, silver lining people, but I am not. I can't always just feel happy for other people. I get a bit bitter - hell sometimes a lot bitter. All I can do is deal with me and how I feel and figure out how I will keep moving forward towards success or more failure in my quest to become a mother. One day at a time.

I started a fertility yoga class last night. Small class - only 2 other girls there - both skinny and 10 years younger and I instantly had a 'tude like oh yeah, like you bitches have anything on me. I should know better than that after being on these sites. IF does not just discriminate against age or weight. We were making introductions and I told my boohoo story first and thought "top that mo-fo's". One girl said she had one child, but had some cysts and couldn't get pg with #2. I really thought oh poor you, you already have one. What a bitch I am! And then, the other girl proceeded to tell us that she had a m/c in 2009, got pg again, carried to term and 6 WEEKS AGO her son died during childbirth. WTF?!!!!! 6 WEEKS AGO! Yet there she was ready to try again and sitting in this yoga class. I shut my mouth up pretty fast and had to keep myself from crying thinking about how the hell she got her butt to this class with a smile on her face after only 6 weeks of mourning. I would be in a mental institute.

One of our cohorts mention that we should all be proud of ourselves for going through all this. I totally agree. For trusting some strange doctor with our bodies and putting ourselves through hell physically, mentally and emotionally to achieve our goals; not everyone has the cojones to do that.

Also mentioned were the snarky comments after IF stories in the news (i.e. Kelly Preston & Celine) That somehow we are IF and don't get pg because it is nature's choice. Oh, but the crackhead whore who leaves her baby in a car while she strips - nature's cool with that one? I don't believe that. That's when I question if everything really happens for a reason - wtf reason would that be?

Anyway, wanted to share as this is the area that I am growing the most lately. I'm starting to lose some of the bitterness the more I go through. I started high and optimistic, fell to devastated and bitter and now I'm hopefully rising to contentment one way or another. That will be the longest journey no matter what the outcome.

I Get It Now

I was active in our school’s theater arts program all throughout high school. The program was run by a very pretty but tough-as-nails teacher, “Ms. Q.” Ms. Q had taught at the school for years, and was in her very late 40s by the time I was in 9th grade. She was both feared and respected by most of us I would guess, and certainly by me.

Even though she lived a good hour and a half away from our school, she was there day in and day out, holding rehearsals till after 11 at night and working us to death on the weekends. Pleasing her was not an easy feat. She took note of every mistake we made and held us to answer for each, through yelling or not -- it didn’t really matter. Sometimes you could hear her screaming at some poor bloke even if you were in a closed classroom down the hallway. Sometimes she’d just lose it and go off on everyone and everything, and lord help you if you were there to hear it.

For the most part though, I think we all knew that she did these things because she had high standards and wanted us to be the best. And if you heard her chuckling during your comedic performance it made you feel like a million bucks. If she ever told you you did a good job, you felt like a billion bucks.

I really, really liked her.

Of course, it wasn’t “cool” to like Ms. Q, so when my classmates would go off on her, I’d partake dutifully, dramatically recounting her latest crazy antics or adding my two cents to the Ms. Q topic du jour.

But the truth was, she was always exceedingly nice to me. I always felt like an outcast at the school and particularly in the theater department, so when I received approval or accolades from Ms. Q, it always meant a lot to me, more than she could have possibly known. Sometimes, during some down-time, I’d be in her office doing some work for her, and she’d let out a joke or a laugh or a warm smile or talk about her husband, and I thought to myself, “She’s really a sweetheart and a nice person, everyone’s so wrong about her.”

But there was one thing that I always thought was very strange – she didn’t like babies or kids. When former students would come visit her with their babies, my friends and I would ooh and ahh and coo over them, but Ms. Q would be stand-offish, with a look of aversion on her face that said, “Eww, babies? Weird! Gross!” Same with other teachers – they’d bring their newborns or little kids to show off, and while us students would gather round to see and maybe get to touch the cute things, Ms. Q seemed revolted. Which only lent credence to her reputation of being a cold bitch.

When it was my graduation day, I gave her a small gift (I think it was something stupid like candles), my way of letting her know that despite my troublesome ways, I really loved her and very much appreciated all she’d done for me. A short time later, I received a very sweet thank-you card from her. In it, she said “you are my children and it is always hard to say goodbye…”

A couple years later, I heard that Ms. Q had quit teaching and had given birth to twins.

Strange, I thought – she hated kids! Huh? Well, good for her, that’s pretty cool! (IVF and fertility treatments were nowhere near my radar or knowledge at that time, so I just thought hey, she got knocked up at that age, rad!)

Now, of course, it all makes sense. All of it. I get it now. I think back and feel like I know her better now than I ever did then. My heart hurts for that teacher of all those years ago. For how much pain she must have been in. How she must have had failed treatment after treatment all that time. For the jabs to her heart when her colleagues popped out babies and went on and on about them while they were all hanging out in the teachers’ lounge. How she said we were her “children.” How she must have gotten the bfn calls while she was at school. Why she’d lose it sometimes. Why she acted like she didn’t like babies. And how incredibly happy she must have been to finally become a mother.

I never thought I’d ever have anything whatsoever in common with Ms. Q. Kind of weird that now I do.

Journey to Egg Donor

I think I’m the first one of our small group to go with an egg donor. So I thought I’d share my journey if it could help any of you. I sincerely hope that you never get to this point.

It isn’t a snap decision to move forward with an egg donor. Being that I started my fertility journey at 42, it was mentioned as a possibility from the start. I think the clinic doesn’t regard it is that big of a deal….and it certainly helps their success rates. But to me, it was a very big deal. I wanted MY child. I wanted it to be connected to my family and carry down the awesome traits that my parents gave me. When I see kids who look like their parents or show the same personality traits, I’m jealous. I already had to compromise my dream and go for a sperm donor since Mr. Right never showed up. But in many ways, it was so much easier to pick a sperm donor. I didn’t have a picture of Mr. Right in my head, so I could look at the donors almost like a dating site (which I’ve done for years!). However, on the female side, I did know who should be the genetic mother of my child…it was me! And I don’t have a twin or sister to turn to. I kept hoping through all of my treatments that I’d finally have the month with the “golden egg” and I’d get pregnant. But when my first PGD came back with all 4 embryos being genetically abnormal, I had to face the fact that maybe all of my eggs were abnormal. (Does anyone else remember the scene of Young Frankenstein with the brain from Abby Normal?) It was one of the worst days of my life. That was over a year ago. But I’m certainly not a quitter. Last summer, when I had another PGD come back with all embryos abnormal, I asked myself the question: When do you give up on your own eggs? I didn’t have an answer. No one I asked had an answer….and I asked a number of women who had gone to DE and the counselor at my clinic. The counselor pushed hard for me to move onto adoption or DE so I wouldn’t be wasting my time. I started reading a book on Egg Donation. It made me cry. However, I still wanted to get one lucky month. I still desperately wanted a child who was genetically linked to me. I even got one month where my I had a “normal” embryo. It was BFN. But it egged me on (pun intended) to try again, which I did. However after 6 failed cycles…I knew that I couldn’t keep giving my body that level of drugs and hormones on the infinitesimally small chance that I might get a “lucky egg”. 6 is the number of times they’ll let a donor donate. 6 felt like the right amount of times for me to try. I’m very lucky that I could try that many times and that money didn’t hold me back. (Heck, you can earn a lot of money on the way to 44 when you aren’t spending it on kids or a husband!)

When cycle #6 failed in February, I knew in my head that my eggs were done. That my body was done. That I couldn’t put myself through that emotional torture again. However my heart was something different. I had to grieve for my eggs. I cried a river of tears (and I still have crying jags now). I ate comfort food (lots of chocolate and alcohol) and gained 7 pounds. I faced that big black pit of depression. I gave myself a month to do nothing regarding fertility. After a month, I knew I wasn’t getting any younger and if I wanted a baby, I had to start looking for a donor. My clinic had given me a list of recommended donor agencies. I agonized about looking at them. When I had a strong moment, I started to look up the agencies online. Most of the agencies had donor libraries that you could look at for free. For most you had to register, but that was non-binding. The libraries include photos and a profile. What struck me first was how few had “my nose”. I actually never liked my nose growing up. It is a bit big. But as I’ve gotten older, I like it. It is straight with no hook or bump. So many of the donors had cute button noses. I just couldn’t go there. I tried to tell myself to just go for smart and pretty, but I want a child who looks like they could fit into my family. I gave up looking after a couple of hours…but congratulated myself on taking the first step. Didn’t really like any of the women I saw, but at least I was moving forward again. It was a couple of more weeks before I had the strength to face the websites again. I expanded my search to a couple of more agencies online. Then it was April and I had turned 44. If I want a chance at a baby by 45, I need to get my ass in gear. So I spent a Friday night curled up with a cocktail and my computer looking at donors. I was primarily looking at “proven” donors, those who have had previous donor cycles. Heaven forbid that I go through all of this and get an infertile donor! I also decided to expand to include those who have already had a child and so are also “proven”. After staring at too many women and being non-plussed about them all, I finally stumbled upon one who looked like a possibility….she had my nose, or at least was pretty close to it, she had my forehead, my hair texture, my smile, my skin coloring…but not my hair color or eye color. And she is a doctor…so that ranked high for the smarts requirement. She had a child at 20. She is now 30. She looked like someone I could be friends with. When I called the agency the following Monday, I found out that she was available.

Next step, get an IVF lawyer. I put out requests for estimates from 3 which were recommended both by my clinic and the donor agency, and decided on one. She charges a $700 flat fee to go through all the legal contracts and spent an hour on the phone with me. Then I went to the donor agency and put down my good faith contract money and signed the initial papers to get the process rolling. That fee was $5775. The second fee is $7000 and that is the fee that goes to the donor for her “time and effort” gradually as we go through the process. Those fees don’t include the medical costs. I chatted with my clinic to find out what all those costs are and what, if any, of them might be covered by my insurance. Overall clinic costs are around $11,000 (not including drugs). I have enough insurance to cover the majority of that, but then I’ll hit my lifetime max. Since I already hit my lifetime max for fertility drugs, I’ll pay for those as well. However as the donor is young and healthy, I won’t have to pay for excessive amounts of drugs like I took. I wouldn’t be surprised if the total DE process equals $30,000 with maybe insurance covering $7-10k. This is not a cheap endeavor...especially coming off of my past 6 cycles where I spent over $30,000 of my own money beyond insurance.

If I wanted to, I could meet my donor or talk on the phone with her. I’ve decided against that. I’m too scared that she’d find something wrong with me or I’d find something wrong with her and I don’t want to put another roadblock up. I’ve said that if she wants to meet me I will, but I don’t think she is requiring it. So while I’ve seen the 24 photos online, this donation will remain anonymous. She has agreed to let the child contact her once the child is grown. It was one of my wishes as I have the same agreement on the sperm donor side.

The donor went for her initial medical screening with my RE yesterday. My RE sent me an email saying, “She is great.” I cheered out loud when I got that email. The nurse called to tell me that the donor’s antral follicle count was 12, she has above average ovarian volume, and that they really felt like she was confident about going through the full cycle. It is a huge relief to get over this first hurdle. Now we just wait for my period which should come in the next week or so and then the donor and I will align our timing with BCPs. If all goes well, embryo transfer would be late July or early August.

So, how did I know when to give up on my eggs? I knew when I couldn’t fathom doing another cycle. I just couldn’t do it to myself again both emotionally and physically. However the grieving process took months and I’m still not over it.

How did I know when I found the right donor? When I knew that I didn’t want anyone else to pick her before I could.

Why didn’t I decide to try adoption? This is more complicated. I think adoption is great. If I could sign up and get a great healthy baby in 6 months or a year…I’d do it. But that isn’t how it works….especially if you are single and 44. Nobody is going to pick me as the ideal mom instead of a great couple in their 30s. I’ve heard my fill of horror stories of wait times, international screw-ups, developmental problems, etc. And finally, I would like to be pregnant and give birth to my child. Therefore, donor eggs seem to fit better for me.

However, as with any IF plan, there are so many tough hurdles ahead. All the normal IVF issues of: Will she have a good response to stims? Fert. rates? Good quality embryos? Beta? Etc.

Feel free to ask me any questions you have regarding the process.

When IVF Works: Things the RE doesn't tell you

I want to highly recommend the site in the link (just click on the title of this blog post and it will take you there) because it's very calming during the 2-week-wait (and I assume early pregnancy as well). It's like an anti-anxiety remedy with no side effects.

Birthday Girl

I’ve never been the type of person who advertised or was excited about her birthday. Well, maybe up until I was 21. But after that, I never really cared – it was just another day spent in school or at work, and I was too busy with life to make a fuss or have a fuss be made over me. If my family wanted to take me out to dinner, that made me happy enough.

I thought turning 30 was soooo cool; I loved my life at that age. When I was 31, oh I had a fantastic year. I was even proud to say I was 32. Sure, I’d have my moments where the acceleration of the passage of time would hit me: “OMG I can’t believe I’m already in my 30s…man I’m OLD! Wasn’t it just yesterday I was stumbling home and puking my brains out after having too many Patron shots in celebration of the end of final exams?!?!”

(Yes I still get drunk, and yes I even occasionally puke – but you get the point.)

Well, I recently came upon my 34th birthday. And when the day arrived, I woke up, stayed in bed, and sobbed…and sobbed…and sobbed. And sobbed again. My phone was busy with happy birthday calls and text messages – all of which I ignored. It wasn’t a “happy birthday” at all. It was a horrible birthday, the worst birthday I’ve ever had.

Now, I have NEVER cried about getting older. But this birthday – this day – I was bonafide depressed, and couldn’t get out of it. Not because I am getting older per se, but because I am getting older while the rest of my life remains held back and on hold. I can’t move forward in my career – the career I so badly wanted. I turn down work because it will interfere with an IVF cycle. I can’t plan trips with friends. Hell, I can’t even plan a damn spa day with girlfriends. I avoid certain people and places because I am sick of putting on an act when the “So…when are you two planning on having kids?” question comes up. My husband never knows when he should request vacation time. The prior vacation times he’s received were wasted because we were stuck in town awaiting treatments.

My last birthday, I was still a happy person. Everything in our lives had fallen into place. True, by that time we were in the care of an RE, we were “infertility patients,” and all three IUIs had failed. And though I was terrified of IVF, and didn’t want to be one of “those people” who had to use IVF to get pregnant, I still had hope – no, CONFIDENCE – that IVF was going to be the answer. Because hey, we were “young,” and they couldn’t find anything wrong with us, so IVF was sure to work.

At least I’d finally have a child, and would be able to move on with my life.

And fit in.

And not feel like an awkward outcast at every social situation where the mommies would cluster together and I’d be left out.

At least I’d have a 2010 baby.

At least I’d have my first child before 35.

Hell, maybe by 34, I’d be pregnant again with #2.

So when I turned 34, 365 days later yet not one step closer to being pregnant, not only with no answers, but more questions instead, it hit me hard. I am one year closer to being in the next box, the 35-and-over box, the box where they say my chances of ever conceiving, even with the most advanced treatment medicine has to offer, plummet. If my chances were so good over the past year and it didn’t work, why should I think that it will work during the next year? Do I give up when I turn 35? Do I give up now?

I am now ashamed to admit my age. Now, when people think or say, “You should hurry up, time’s running out!” I have to agree with them.

Thanks a lot, IF.

Thinking of you, BabyWarrior

* * Hope your US is going/will go/has gone well. * *

Checking in...

Hey. Ok so I know I haven't been around in forever except for one random I hate mother's day post. My new job is going great. I'm delivering medicines for pharmacies to nursing homes. I run a regular route that leaves at 7 at night & depending on which route I have, I'm usually home by midnight. Then I also get calls during the day (and sometimes at night) for emergency deliveries. I've worked every night since I got the job 3 weeks ago except for last night. I don't mind working that much though because I'm really enjoying the job & we can use the cash. I just hop in the car & turn on my music & sing really loud & go. It's actually fun.

Anyways, we leave for our vacation tomorrow. Yay! My goal was to loose 20 lbs by the time we left, but I always said I'd be very happy with anything over 10. So... the final total is... drumroll... 14 lbs. lost. Yay! I'm so excited! I feel so much better. I've been getting lots of compliments in the last 2 weeks with everyone noticing how much I've lost. Makes me happy. It helps that I have this new job & I'm ALWAYS on the go... so I don't have time for snacking. I think that was my biggest issue. Also, I've been trying to stick with the South Beach thing as much as possible.

So, when we get back, it looks like we'll try our one last cycle. If it doesn't work, I think we may look at adoption, but we may just decide to try to enjoy our freedom & not think about kids anymore. I know this is weird to say (but aren't we all just slightly off anyways???), but I'm going to be ovulating during our vacation. Maybe??? Just wishful thinking... Wish I could quit doing that.

Anyways, I love all you gals. I'm off to do some packing & last minute cleaning... We have a friend coming to stay with our 4 furry kids while we're gone so I want the house to be nice for her!

HOLY BATSHIT! I'M PREGGO!

Okay, so I am still in shock...

I just took two pregnancy tests and I FINALLY saw two lines. NEVER, EVER have I seen two lines before.

But, I am soooooo crampy. Like I am going to start AF any minute. This is crazy. How in God's name am I pregnant WITHOUT IVF??????

OMG. I just had to share the news with someone. Right now, I think I am going to have a stroke. I want to post it on Facebook, I am sooooo excited. But, it is too early for that. I haven't even had a Beta test, yet.

But two lines. Holy smokes....

I'm getting my hopes up... Very dangerous!

Hey, girls. I need you all to reign me in a bit. BTW, sorry I haven't been around. I have been trying to focus on me, my weight loss, etc... Also, my father-in-law died a few weeks ago, so that took up lots of time and energy.

So... I am now 21 days late for my period...yikes. My period is always a few days late (I run on a 30 to 36 day cycle), but I always get one.

The weird thing is, I have been getting cramps (especially after I run), irritability, tiredness: Classic PMS for me. Except it has been going on for a week!

Now, I am 99.9% sure I am not pregnant. How could I be? After 4 IVFs and a bunch of IUIs, in which the environment was as perfect as you can get it, why would I spontaneously get pregnant on my own?

I am trying not to get my hopes up. Could this be because I have been exercising more lately? (Though I have not done anything the past two days b/c I am totally wiped out.)

I hate mothers day

Ok so I haven't been around in a while. Been super busy with new job. So I know it's random that I just pop in to say I hate mothers day, but I think you gals are the only ones that will know.... I mean really know... What I mean. I love my mother. I hate mothers day.

To You, Oh World of Fertiles, On Mother's Day

Read this CNN blog post from Nia Vardalos, the star of the hilarious "My Big Fat Greek Wedding."

http://ac360.blogs.cnn.com/2010/05/07/if-you-dont-have-anything-nice-to-say-on-mothers-day/?hpt=C2


If you don't have anything nice to say on Mother's Day...

Nia Vardalos
Actress/Writer/Director

On May 9th, overpriced flower arrangements will brighten homes, and restaurants will serve multi-calorie brunches. Reminders will be whispered: “hey, be nice to your mom for a minute.”

Sure, Mother’s Day feels a tad manufactured. But if I can get a gift out of this bogus holiday, I’ll take it. Admittedly, I am a giddy idiot on Mother’s Day. I’m also a hypocrite because for a long time I avoided the day as hard as I could. Just the drugstore greeting card rack would make me queasy. I loathed May.

For years, at Spring social gatherings, some women would innocently ask why we didn’t have children. Others would overhear and exclaim what a great father my husband would be, so why on earth didn’t we have kids? When I would give a tight-lipped answer: “we’re trying,” they would not go silent.

They meant well, but they would loudly persist with up-beat advice: stories of this sister or that friend who had tried forever, and then a “miracle” had happened. Others would overhear, and join in. I would instantly feel forehead, upper lip, and low back-sweat from the sudden attention. All I’d wanted was a snack. Now, crudite in hand, I was up against the food table, being advised by pretty, chipper moms bouncing beautiful, pudgy babies on their hips.

A lot of “You Should” advice came my way. From the “latest technique in Europe,” to “just adopt from China” – everyone weighed in. I understood it all came from them wanting to help. It was meant with goodwill. But it was a painful, overwhelming subject for me. I just wanted to throw dip in the air and run. Those were the nice women. Some women were, um, well… they were turds.

The success of my first movie coincided with some awful events in my quest to be a mom. I’ll keep the details private, but quite frankly, it sucked. I was emotionally and physically exhausted.

During this time, I would run into The Coven – a group of not-nice-women. These women had, at one time, been actresses. Now they were married to men in the film industry, or their husbands were in our social circle. They made me nervous.

We all know the type of woman I’m talking about here: the ones who say nasty things to women. The Coven seemed stymied by the fact that they were not working actresses and I, far less attractive, appealing and talented than them, was. Often, I can tell when I walk in a room how people feel about themselves. To the optimist, I represent hope of what is possible. But to the pessimist, I represent the stench of their own perceived failure. I will be the first to admit, wow, I stepped into some good fortune with my first movie. I don’t consider myself particularly special. I got lucky. These women would wholeheartedly agree with my assessment of myself. Sadly, they were not secure women. When they saw me, their mascara’d eyes would shoot daggers at my skull.


Now, as the gossip leaked out that I was struggling to have a child, while these women were on their second and third – they realized they had something over me. They could breed. And I couldn’t.
So, at a casual backyard barbecue, where all were invited to celebrate Mother’s Day, the women of The Coven would surround me, the barren one, to squeal about how “amaaaaazing” their pregnancies had been. How their husbands had looked at them with “awe and gratitude” as they gave birth. How breastfeeding was a “gift.” One woman actually made fun of my anatomy while proclaiming how her body worked “perfectly.” It was sad how they needed to make me feel inadequate, and yes it hurt. And sure, I could have innocently asked: “…did pregnancy hormones grow your moustache, or did you have it before?” But I didn’t. Not because I was so evolved and took the high road… nope, I was scared of them so I would escape as quickly as I could.

Women like this are missing out on real female friendships. Okay, maybe it’s just shoe shopping and cellulite talk, but I value it. I was happy for these women who got to be moms. Why couldn’t they just be kind? It was Mother’s Day after all.

No matter where I went on this day, I was an easy target. If I drank anything non-alcoholic, there were women who would pat my tummy and say “when are you due?” A small social guideline: don’t ask a woman if she is pregnant, unless her water breaks on your flip-flops, a baby arm dangles out of her vagina and she asks you to cut the cord. Then, and only then, may you ask if she is having a baby. Otherwise, shut up.

So, for years, I avoided venturing out on Mother’s Day. I feared the entire day and the feeling of failure it would bring. I would call my sisters, sister-in-law and mom on that day and wish them well. They had the grace and kind-heartedness to never admonish me for not trying this technique, or that plan. My sweet family and my good kind friends never pried. They would always listen when I asked for advice, or when I lost it after the latest route or adoption had fallen through. One good friend even quietly handed me a prayer card.

My own mother is kind, compassionate, ironic, focused, optimistic and above all, discreet. Sadly, some of our friends have lost their mothers. I am thankful for every day I have with mine. My mom possesses all the values I cherish and look for in my friendships and relationships.

And, when my husband and I told our family and friends we’d been matched with our perfect daughter through American Foster Care – their elation was profoundly moving. They welcomed our then three-year-old daughter with a joy and happiness that was beyond anything I could have imagined. There is no limit to the amount of attention, kindness and warmth our families and friends - the “aunties” and “uncles” - shower on our daughter. Over a year later, she is thriving in an environment of love and care.

Some of these people are not parents. Often, at parties, especially on Mother’s Day, these friends and family are the target of the well-meaning questions or downright spiteful comments I myself once endured.

Please, on Mother’s Day, have some compassion. If you see someone without kids, do not ask them why they don’t have children, why they don’t just adopt, or if they are pregnant. Please be kind. Be quiet and pass the dip.

I am writing this for the friends and family who listened, didn’t pry, and above all stuck with me on my quest to be a mom. If I am happy on May 9th, it’s largely because of these people’s quiet empathy and unending encouragement. And, if I am happy on this day, it’s because I am in love with being a mom and so grateful for the circumstances, as painful as they were, that led me to my wonderful daughter. Happy Mother’s Day everyone. I hope you buy some flowers, eat a fattening brunch, and laugh all day.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’d like to go call my mom.

Editor's Note: Nia Vardalos is the National Adoption Day Spokesperson

May is National Foster Care Month. There are 500,000 children in American Foster Care waiting for a family. 129,000 are legally available for adoption. U.S. Foster Care does not discriminate against potential parents for reasons of income, age, marital status or sexual orientation, and is virtually cost-free.

You guys MUST check out this video!!!!

I have been reading a lot of blogs this week in honoe of NIAW and I came across this post: http://hannahweptsarahlaughed.blogspot.com/

It was so moving, I had to share!

It's amazing how infertility has brought so many of us, both near and far, together.

Baby steps (no not an actual baby)

I am starting on my new IVF cycle! Without my blasted period! The doc scanned me and did b/w and u/s, and decided I could start on the bcp as my body is still all sorts of confused from my canceled cycle. The good news is no cysts!

So here I am. I will be on bcp until 5/7. (Anyone else cycling any time near then?) And hopefully will be able to start stims on 5/10...

I will be doing the Antagonist cycle for the first time. I also will be using only Menopur as a stim, which is new and different.

Feeling nauseated and cursing the bcp, but only a tiny bit, as they are a means to an end.

I have a little bit of hope, but you know, it's not like I am shopping for onesies or anything.

Iron deficiency and infertility

Hey girls,

More advice please....

I went to GP yesterday and iron level came back as being 13 (norm range 15-200) which means I am iron deficient. When I did bloods 18 months ago I was 14 so GP told me to take a supplement, which I did every day, but it obviously has not worked seen as I am worse now than I was before. Now I have started with a "proper" iron medication ie from a pharmacy not a herbal store.

So of course I got straight home and started the google search for a link b/w iron deficiency and infertility. There seems to be some link however everything seems to be. I swear there will be a study soon on finding a link b/w farting and infertility. Oh and I found info about iron deficiency and heart palpitations (once again link b/w everything on google). No wonder I feel like I have no energy all the time.

Does anyone have info for me?

Gardasil and Infertility?

Hey, girls!

Recently, someone mentioned something to me about the link between Gardasil (HPV vaccine) and autoimmune disorders, and I immediately became nervous because, back in college, I had been part of the clinical trials for that vaccine. I was not ever told whether I had the placebo or the real deal, but I have had autoimmune problems that presented about 4 years after I completed the study.

I had been wondering if the vaccine could also cause infertility, and I wondered if anyone has heard anything concerning this. If you ask Dr. Google, it is a possibility.

Introducing Paranoid Petunia...

I think I have an alter ego. A mixture of crazy and stripper it sounds like but I like the name anyway.

So here is what is going on.... I am booked to have my hysteroscopy next Wed to check out what is going on in my uterus. Seen as it is not doing what it should... ie allow an embryo to implant and grow! However I keep having paranoid dreams about seeing myself hooked up to a ventilator with doctors talking over me. Now that's not such a stretch for me seen as I work in intensive care however seeing me as a pt is not nice. So of course that is getting me all worked up about what if something goes wrong with the op? I am not a worry wart type of person and nothing medical phases me (apart from this infertility crap) but this is really bugging me.

I have to go to the GP later on today to check out my recent blood tests (previously borderline anaemic so wanted a test to update FBC and iron studies). And lately I have been getting these weird heart palpitations where I feel like all of a sudden my heart has too many beats to contend with. So I am going to ask Gp about this b/c in my head I am thinking my heart is going to give out in the OT and I will end up on a ventilator......

Someone please give me a virtual slap across the face!

Started my own blog

Hey girls, I have started my own blog, I posted the link if you guys would like to view it. Haven't really done much with it yet as I am new to blogging (lol) I think I can get addicted to doing this though ;)

So far I have only added one of my poems I wrote when my brother had his first baby. I really enjoy writting poetry so hopefully I get the courage to post more!!

http://mrsiamwhoiam.blogspot.com/

I'm a newbie, hear me roar

Hello ladies- I read the intro to this blog and it made me laugh out loud. I wanted to be part of it right away! I am so sick of this lollipop- cute fluffy puppy- baby dust- "yay let's all get our BFP" ladies on the IVF boards out there. I've been looking for more support in big-bad-internet land.

The sad, long version of my story can be found here:
Our Story

(And please, feel free to drop by/ follow/ whatever...)

But the short version is as follows:

Met hubby in 2001, love of my life
Married in 2003
Started trying to conceive on my birthday (yikes) end of 2005
Things aren't working by early 2006, see RE #1
A series of IUI's with clomid, then Follistim 2006-2008. All BFN. They think we ned IVF, we freak out. No one else we know has children then.
We take some time off, go to counseling, think about what we need.
2009- Switch RE's for work related reasons
2 IUI cycles with Femara. The second one is a BFP!
Scared but excited. We miscarry at 6 weeks in 6/2009.
Do two more IUI's, and get another BFP, but it's a chemical 8/2009.

We move on to IVF and long story short, our clinic dicked us around a bit, and we didn't get to cycle until Nov/Dec 2009. The IVF was disappointing. 10 retrieved, only 2 eggs were mature and fertilized. The one died right away. The other did make it to a 3 day transfer was a day behind. BFN.

IVF # 2 in March. Another cycle, same protocol (Long Lupron). My follies are all over the place in size. One dominant follicle (was like 4/ 5 cm at that point!) So they advise me to stop the cycle since we are out of pocket for this cycle.

Fast forward to the present:

Still waiting for AF from that failed cycle. It's been 6 weeks. We switched RE's, and I feel very positive about it. However, I feel kind of hopeless in general. This is getting tougher as time goes on, not easier! People are getting pregnant all around me, the biggest stab was my best friend who is unmarried/ totally unplanned. I feel so very stuck in my life, in my career, in my town I live in. I just want to shake it all up like a snowglobe or something and let it settle. But, this is where I am.

So yes, that's my story. Despite its depressive nature, I can still be happy and silly at times. Looking forward to getting to know you ladies. I love to blog instead of working.

More good news and Post-Op update!

I had my post op appointment March 29th and found out some crazy info. Apparently only PART of my tube had ruptured! Seriously? I'm sure it happens (obviously) but I've never heard of it before. My little blob and the part of the tube that it was in were both still in tact. To me this was both great and heartbreaking news. It's heartbreaking to know that my little one was still okay and yet they had to remove it. But the great news is that the whole tube hadn't ruptured! I was home alone for 5 1/2 hours from the time of rupture until I went to the hospital. I had suffered enough pain and lost enough blood with just a partial rupture. My doc never said it specifically, but the way he kept infosizing just how lucky I really am, I'm taking it that I'm lucky to be alive.

That's the crazy, now for the good news. Doc said we can try again RIGHT AWAY! Can you belive that? Everything I have read (thanks Dr. Google) said that it would be a minumim of 3 cycles after something like that. I guess Doc was happy with my recovery. He was happy just by looking at me, apparently I look like a real person again (One day I want to be a real boy!! Err...girl!), no longer ghostly. But yeah, he said as soon as AF arrives we can start again if we want. Of course, that's still months considering I'm still waiting for my hCG levels to 0 out and then for AF to finally decide to show her ugly face again. At that appointment my hCG levels had fallen to 37. I go in tomorrow for another beta test. We're hoping it will be 0 by then.

Two days after that appointment DH and I flew to Pittsburgh for a mini vacation and to check out a new city. We had had the trip planned for at least 6 months but it really couldn't have come at a better time. It was SUCH a nice break physically and mentally. It really was exactly what we needed. We are now planning a trip to the Domincan Republic during Memorial Day weekend. I've never been out of the county and we thought it would be nice to have another relaxing trip before jumping back in to everything.

My last bit of news...I did not ask Doc about a free cycle. He's not my regular RE (I haven't seen him yet), and quite frankly I'm a pussy. I love my RE and his staff and I think my clinic is great, I don't want to stir things up. AND I called my RE's office and asked how much we had in credit with them (I knew we had some, but wasn't sure how much). The receptionist looked into it for me and informed me that we have $3900 in credit!!! That's a few hundred dollars MORE than what we need for another FET! I was blown away! Our insurance must have paid more than what we thought. We had already maxed out our infertility coverage for the year so that credit really made the difference on us trying sooner than later.

It's been great having some good news after all the bad. And although it can never erase what we went through at least it's not blow after blow. I just don't know how much of that I could take right now.

Finally some good news... no not THAT kind of good news

Needless to say, after several failed IVF attempts not even close to being covered by insurance, we're in a pretty dismal financial hole. So, after looking for a job for quite a while, it looks like I've finally scored a pretty cool one! Yay! I'm going to be delivering pharmacy supplies to nursing homes. Looks like the pay is pretty good. It's mostly late evening/early night hours, but most nights I should be home by 1am. No biggie for me since that's when I'm up to lately anyways. And when I do my next cycle, it's very flexible as far as days off & me needing to be here in the mornings for doctor appointments. I did my first ride-along for training tonight & I think I'm going to like it. Yay! Seems like finally something is going right for me! Anyways, just thought I'd share.

Other than jobs, has anyone else come up with creative cash earning ideas? Just wondering how everyone else is managing to cope with the HUGE bills...

See more funny videos and funny pictures at CollegeHumor.

How many of our girls will now come out of anesthesia after ER talking about

Joan and/or unicorns?  Wish I could be there to see the doctor's/nurse's

reactions!

I'm no Angel... I'm not even a Superwoman... but I'm learning to set some Priorities and some Boundaries!

In the week before Easter, I was presented with a bit of a dilemma. No less than three family members each approached me about helping out my sister who just had a baby a few weeks ago. My mother has been helping her for weeks... going over daily to assist her with her toddler and infant as well as helping out around the house. The day before Easter my mother needed to prepare for the holiday feast, so SOMEBODY needed to help my sister. Seemed a lot of people thought that somebody might be me. I didn't really expect them to think about how being around a newborn (or even a toddler) might be difficult for me while I am grieving the lack of my own children. I wasn't really interested in trying to fill them in on the emotional toll infertility has taken in my life. Previously with my family, I had put up a brave front. I told my sister during her pregnancy that I was jealous of OTHER women, but not her... that she was different because she is my sister. At Christmas, I offered her a seat when all the comfortable seats in the room were taken.

This holiday, I felt a bit more selfish. I said I couldn't help my sister take care of her children. That's right.... I actually said "NO!" Those two letters that are soooo hard to get out. The forbidden word that means forbidden. For me, it was a very big deal and it felt like one of the hardest things I've ever done. What would people think? What would people say? Would I be burning a bridge? Would my family members never help me again in the future because of what I'd done (or in this case, NOT done)? Would they think I am bitter? How would I deal with the feelings of guilt for being so lazy and selfish? How would my sister cope without my help? I agonized and agonized over the decision. I talked it over with my husband.

In the past at family gatherings I have often been the default babysitter. My nieces and nephew seem to like me. I have "supervised" them on the backyard swingsets to make sure they were safe. I've led them in constructing crafts so that their parents could play uninterrupted games with the adults. And in the meantime, my husband felt like I'd deserted him. Lately, he's been gently saying he'd prefer that I stay by his side more when we visit my family. That makes sense. I wouldn't like it either if he deserted me when we visited his family! So in the end, it was my husband who helped me decide. I know that he should be the number one person in my life and his needs should take priority. It was a gut-wrenching decision, though. It seemed to go against many of the values of my family... in so many ways it felt WRONG. I told them that part of the IVF protocol was to avoid stress (yet it was stressful to tell them that!)

Guess what? The world didn't fall apart. Yes, I had chosen one person in my life over another and ... in some ways I had chosen myself. My younger sister graciously offered to help out instead. They coped just fine without me. However, as you can imagine, the weekend was not without its awkward moments. At one point my sister with the three-week-old newborn cornered me and said, "So you're not supposed to be stressed at certain points in your cycle???" She seemed to be fishing... I quickly ended the conversation and felt like a complete jerk. I tried to avoid her (without success) the rest of the evening.

I believe I did the right thing in saying no. My husband seemed happier. Instead of me burping a baby and corralling a toddler, my husband and I spent some time together relaxing with other adults in a beautiful garden. We soaked up the sun and watched pink and white petals slowly and silently float down from the blossoming trees... so wonderful. We took care of us. I still have some lingering feelings of guilt because my thought pathways are soooo ingrained. It may be awkward with my sister for awhile as I'm processing everything. In some ways, maybe I am jealous. I guess I need to admit it to be able to deal with it. The holidays are never simple, are they?

Well, CRAP...

So, just wanted to vent a bit & shamelessly fishing for sympathy. I pulled a bone-head move this morning. We had some big geese in the front yard so I took one of my dogs out to see them. I knew she would want to chase them so I had her on a leash, but a long one so she could get closer without hurting the geese... So, bonehead me goes out with her & she sees them & looks at me like, "can I go see?" So, I say, "go ahead." and as it comes out of my mouth, I realize my mistake. I'm at the top of about 6 stairs to the ground. Well, she's a rather athletic thing (border collie) so she can go from stand-still to 60 in 3 steps. Well, not quite, but you get the drift. So, needless to say, I end up at the bottom of the stairs. After which, I can't put any weight on my right ankle. So, after a visit to the urgent care today, I'm now on my way to a foot surgeon. Broken. Crap. Like I needed this. No more working out. And... our nice vacation & cruise is only 5 weeks away. So, looks like I'll be in some sort of cast or boot for that. Can't I have just one good thing to look forward to? Argh. So, I put the diet on hold & had Coldstone Ice Cream & Vicodin for dinner.

Today Show - Baby Bump Bound

Just in case you missed it...or had no means to record it:

Baby Bump Bound's IF Segment on the Today Show

Just a vent

So, here I am at the gym this morning. Feeling so proud of myself. And there as I'm working out on the eliptical in front of me doing the "circuit training" is a preggo. Nice baby bump. Crap. Is no place safe?

What would you do??

I took by BP last night and it's extremely high. I'm really afraid now that if I go for FET or even telling my RE because he may cancel me. Do you guys think I'm being selfish for keeping this to myself? ESP since I just had this same problem with my SIL. Can high BP affect implantation? Maybe it's due to the added stress. Oh boy, I'm confused as to what I should do. Maybe I will still do FET and tell my RE about my BP when/if I get preggers. That sounds bad huh?? Really need your girls opinions!!

What would you do??

Finally!

Finally I can say the word 'BFP'! It feels so surreal, can't really believe it yet. May be it will happen after first US, when I see something other than follicles and lining.

Update on~ The Today Show~ segment!!

In case any of you were wanting to watch the infertility segment that I am going to be in ~ it's been moved to tomorrow (Thursday) morning around 9am. I will be at work, so I have to DVR it. I hope it goes well.

WLB ... 3/31

Well, crap. I'm still hovering at -7. Which sounds good, but I've been there for 2 weeks now. I'm still following my diet & exercising, but no further progress into the negative category. And I'm thinking about my next cycle in May... I'm guessing that'll put that 7 right back on. Really hoping to drop another 13 before then.

How is everyone else doing?

Good article...but almost made me cry.

Wasn't expecting that reaction from myself....

Washington Post: Too Much to Carry?

Needing encouragement!!

Not feeling to good right now!! I just spoke with the acupuncturist at my clinic and the conversation was not very good. He was asking all types of questions and trying to find out what is going on with me. He told me with the number of eggs I had (14) and the number that was left after day 5 (4) it seems as though I may have an egg quality issue. He told me it's common with woman who have had a hydrosalpinx like I did. He also asked me if I have PCOS because I have very heavy AF and lots of clotting (which only started after my tubal surgery) I'm afraid now that it may be a waste of time to put those eggs back in. My RE also suggested that I may have bad egg quality due to the Hydro so now I'm freaking out again. Anyways he wants me to call him next week to come in for my first treatment. He wants me to do a few b4 transfer but honestly I have very little hope right now that this is going to work at all. Has anyone heard of people getting pregnant even with bad quality eggs? I just need some support right now to give me a little more hope than I have at the moment!!

Negative. Again.

Well, it's a negative again.

I was positive for the past week that it would be negative, but got some stupid false hope this morning (where the fuck did that come from?)

Anyway, I am broken. Still at work and have children coming into my room in 13 minutes. So, I know if I start crying I won't stop. Just taking deep breaths...

I called the nurse line for an appointment with my "let's do a million IVFs and hope for the best" doctor. I would like him to do more testing. This time I will be armed with a list so I won't forget. My mission is to make him realize my insurance is nearly gone and I can't play his "wait and see" game.

Anybody have any questions I should ask, or testing that should be done?

Infertility Grants and Such

For those of you who don't read my blog often, I'll post this on here and the Groups. I wrote an article about saving money on infertility treatments. It focuses on infertility grants/scholarships but also talks about clinical trials, fundraisers and getting free meds. Click here to read it. Most of the grants are still accepting applications for this year. Good luck!!

Question?

I posted this in the google group but I'm posting it here too...

I'm thinking about doing my FET in April now (yes the latest pregnancy has helped change my mind) however, I have only been back on my pregfit with 5 mg of folic for the last 13 days plus taking ASA. I read recently that you should be taking them for atleast 2 months b4 getting pregnant. Do you girls think it matters much or should I be good to go? I figure my transfer should be around the 20th os so or April. So any advice what I should do??
I was also going to call today to go for some accupunture. What's the amount of accupunture that you girl recommend to be most effective

Any help or advise would be much appreciated

I would have posted this as another reply to my original post but it's been over a week and I wanted to make sure those of you who were interested saw it...

Thanks for all the love and support! I know I've been missing again for over a week, I've just been trying to deal with everything and I've had family down from out of state. It was nice to have them here but I realized a few days into it that they were more of a distraction than anything and I wasn't dealing with things. Thankfully DH and I have had the house to ourselves again but unfortunately I had to go back to work after just one week and one day off. :o( It's been horrible!! Seriously. Jes, I know you were out of work for a lot longer, how were you when you did finally go back to work? Was it a living hell?! That's what it's been like for me. Thankfully my friends in the office have threatened the ones in the office who I don't like that much and because of it they've all left me alone since I've been back. I'm just waiting for one of them to slip so I can throat punch them!

I've also had quite a few of you ask questions about the embryo moving after seeing the heartbeat. That was the first thing I was wondering when I was told it was ectopic. I told DH that I didn't believe that could happen. I was right. Apparently the ectopic was sitting right up against the uterus (or on top of it) in a way that could have made it appear that it was in the uterus. My RE didn't do the surgery last week but his partner, who was on call did. I haven't spoken with my RE yet but his partner Dr T. spoke with him before my surgery and my RE said he was sure it was in utero.

I really do love my RE and think he's a good doctor but I'm pissed at the same time. He SHOULD have seen that it was in my tube! I realize that that wouldn't have changed the end result...me no longer being pregnant, but it would have saved me a lot of pain! I do know that he's only human though and that everyone makes mistakes. There were no big red flags saying that I had a problem, I had 4 beta tests and they were all really good and the numbers were doubling like they should. I would like to see about getting a free or discounted cycle out of this though! We'll see how that goes... And you better believe that next time I'm going to make sure they are 100% SURE that my blob is where it's supposed to be. I'll lay there for an hour with my legs spread for the vuvu cam if I have to! But they better be damn sure that everythings okay before they get my hopes up like that again!

I have a confression... *gulp*

I have been reluctant to post this for about 2 months now, but since there is a air-date involved, I thought I'd share some exciting news.
As some of you know, I have been through hell and back with TTC. I have been TTC for 4 years, have been through 2 fresh and 2 frozen cycles, 2 IUIs and have had 2 losses. I have been moved beyond words by not only my experience, but by those I have met that have been through so much to try to have a baby.

Last year, while working with a documentary production company, I brought them the idea of doing an Infertility documentary. We started filming me as I was cycling and decided to put the film on pause as it was way too difficult for me to be on both sides of the camera and it was that much more emotionally challenging to be filmed while I was going through all the madness.

I know deep within my soul and heart that being an advocate for infertility awareness and support is what I feel most passionate about and I will do whatevver it takes to make our voices heard.

I will even film a personal segment for The Today Show that will air on Friday, April 2nd!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I am freaking out a little bit as I am worried about saying too much or not enough. I worry that I didn't represent our plight to be heard or that they will edit out the strong points I tried to make. I am also freaking out a bit about being on national TV and exposing myself and my husband.

I do know that I am doing this for my baby Sprout (passed 5/17/08) and for all of us that are living through a very difficult and challenging process to become moms.
Anyways, if you watch the Today Show, you just may see me trying to shine a little light on an otherwise dark and painful reality of our lives.

Yikes!!!!
Oh and I promise I didn't fart any rainbows....

WLB 3/23 ...

I think we should call our posts the IVF 20 ... LOL... I still love that! How's everyone doing? I seem to have hit a plateau at -7 lbs. That's ok though. I dropped those quick... now the real work starts!

I've been slowly loosing motivation the past few days... so this morning I was quite brutal with myself. I tried on the bikini I hope to wear on the cruise in May. It's not new, but it's a couple years old & a couple pounds ago... So, I'm back to being motivated. It wasn't a pretty picture. I also called my RE & told her that we'll be doing our last try starting the end of May (when we return). So, there's a little extra motivation to throw in there.

Hope everyone is doing well!

Surrogacy question (Bbchi?)

I haven't had my beta yet, but I am 99% positive it didn't work (again), and my SIL (who I am VERY close to. She is the wife of my husband's twin, so we are always together) has offered to be a surrogate. She had two kids very easily(within a month of trying both times-hate her), no miscarriages, and no problems during her pregnancies, so she's perfect.

I think I am done slaying embryos (That can be my new nickname: Embryo Slayer), and would like some of my frozen ones to have a fighting chance. I just had a few questions about it.

1. Does the surrogate need to have a specific blood type? Are there other biological factors such as this that may be involved?

2. Does insurance pay for this to happen, or is it all out of pocket? (I figured we would be paying for the transfer and any meds for her, but are the check-ups and stuff covered by most plans?)

3. Do all REs do it, or is it too controversial? (I plan to ask for a meeting with my RE to discuss this.)

4. Are the success rates the same as a "regular" transfer, or even higher if the surrogate has already been a mother?

Can any of you give me info or lead me to it?

Thanks!

IVF Barbies

This is SO funny...and true.  *sigh*

The only problem I have with it is that not all REs are Kens...some of them are Barbies, too!

IVF Barbies

Heartbroken

I'm heartbroken guys, My SIL just left. She decided to come tell me she found out yesterday that she's pregnant. She started to "fake" cry and I stopped her, asked what's wrong? She says she feel sorry for me. I told her to stop lying, she doesn't feel sorry for me. She wouldn't have been trying so hard right now if she did. She's a bitch, I'm so angry. I couldn't wait for her to leave. I totally broke down to DH, I don't know how I can go through another pregnancy and birth if it's not me. I don't know how to feel right now I'm devestated. STUPID WHOREEEEE!!!

Infertility T-shirt Ideas

Thought these should be out in the public:

1. Who Shot My Stork???
2. Slippery When Ovulating
3. Egg Collector
4. I did IVF and all I got was this Lousy T-shirt.
5. No, I don't want to hold your baby.
6. My Embryo is an Honor Student.
7. Baby NOT on Board.
8. Babies Aren't Us.
9. I Have a Bitchy Uterus.
10.Knocked Down, Not Up.
11. Keep your unicorn farts to yourself.
12. Not expecting....just bloated.
13. Childless aunt does not equal free babysitter.
14. No Sex-pert Advice Please.
15. Worrying is a full-time job.
16. Rotten eggs: $30, 000.
17. I spent all my savings on infertility treatments, and all I got was this crappy t-shirt.
18. I like it small, thin and in the ass.
19. The vagina is not a clown car (with a picture of the Duggar family on it)!
20. Relax? I can't believe I didn't think of that.
21. Adoption costs $25000. It's not so easy to "just do" that.
22. Statements that begin with "At least..." do not comfort anyone.
23. REs at work.
24. www.infertilethoughts.com
25. My test tube baby kicked your naturally conceived honor student's ass.
26. I can't...I'm cycling.
27. (Photo courtesy of Epson vu-vu cam.)

28. "God's Plan" is for me to kick your ass.

29. IVF Meds: $5,000; IVF retrieval: $4,000; IVF transfer:$3,000; Kicking a fertile's ass: Priceless.
30. If I can't be pregnant, at least I can be thin. (thanks, babywarrior!)

I'm So Naive

I allowed myself to get excited. I told everyone I knew, even though my better judgement told me to wait until I was 10 weeks, after my 2nd u/s, and about to see my regular OB. After 4 great betas I spilled the beans at 6 weeks 1 day (can you say STUPID!!). At 6 wks 6dys, we saw our little one's heartbeat. Everything's great, right?! We had nothing to worry about! Wrong.

Four days later, home alone on a Sunday afternoon while DH was at work, I started having severe stomach pains. I had just had a little bit to eat and seriously thought it was severe gas pains...although I hadn't felt gas pains like this before. I couldn't sit down or even stand up straight. Everything was excruciating! I took my tempurature, my temp was low, not high. Threw up, felt a tiny bit better...enough to actually be able to curl into a ball and fall asleep. Slept about 30 minutes, woke up from the pain, threw up again, was so white I could have been Casper's twin. Was sweaty, shaky, and thought I might pass out. Decided I was ready to go to hospital but waited for DH to get home and take me. This whole ordeal lasted 5 1/2 hours before I made that decision to go to the hospital and DH got home to take me.

Ends up, my pregnancy was ectopic and had ruptured. Apparently I was strong and stable enough that I wasn't rushed into emergency surgery. I was transported to the hospital near my home, to the main branch in Atlanta where my RE's partner (who was on call that night) could do the surgery. There was still concern over whether or not the surgery should be done that night or the next morning. After having a back and chest spasm that bolted me upright in my hospital bed and that wouldn't allow me to breath (all brought on by the RE simply listening to my stomach), and in doing so, scaring the sh*t out of RE and DH, the surgery was on for that night. It was 13 hours between the time that the pain started and the time they began surgery. And no where in these 13 hours was I given pain meds, until RIGHT before the surgery started.
They removed the ectopic, cleaned out 1000cc's of blood, and closed off my other tube from my uterus so that this can't happen again. I came home from the hospital Tuesday afternoon.

Jes, I can't even fathom what you went through. I know it's the same but what you went through was on such a higher level than mine. It's been hard for me or DH to begin to process our loss because there's been so much to focus on physically. I think the emotional aspect is finally starting to take it's toll but it definitely took a while before we could even think about it.

It just sucks. Why do we have to go through this kind of crap after all that we have already suffered through? Will we ever catch a break!!

Weight Loss Buddies ... 3/18

Hey. I started a new post since our other one is getting really long...

Has anyone else noticed it's REALLY expensive to eat healthy? Yikes! I went to the grocery store yesterday & came home with 3 bags (they're the big re-useable ones, but still!!!) and spent $130! And that will probably feed us for 5 days. Ugh! It's so much cheaper to eat like crap!

AFM - I was so proud of myself 2 days ago. I weighed in & was down 7 lbs from starting weight! Yay! So, yesterday I was still at that -7 & felt so excited about that & a little extra motivated. So, I did my 30 mins of workout in the am & then in the afternoon, took my dog for a walk that lasted 1 hour & 15 minutes. I was so proud of myself. Then I weigh in this morning & I'm up a pound! Argh! I KNOW that I shouldn't worry about it. Your body can fluctuate 2 lbs in a day. BUT you know how us IVF gals are. We obsess over every little thing. So, today I'm trying to stay positive. Sticking to the diet & did my exercises this morning. May do another walk today, but not as long since I have somewhere to be this evening. I'm not obsessing... I'm not obsessing... I'm not obsessing. LOL! I just really want the date with Dave! LOL!

So... check in... how are my buddies doing?

Question for Medical Pros (BBChi?)

I am not in the medical field, but I have always been interested in science, and I have been wondering about something...

Every IVF cycle I do, I get a 2-day-long migraine around 5 to 7dp2dt. This, as I have read, is about the time of implantation. Because the migraine is so bad, will not go away on its own, and laughs at Tylenol, I am forced to take Maxalt, a rizotriptan, in order to function.

I am aware Maxalt constricts blood vessels in order to do its job, and I have begun to worry that I may be sabotaging things. When I ask my doctor about it, his canned response is "If you don't need it, don't take it. You shouldn't take it during pregnancy, blah, blah, blah..." But I DO need it, and there is really no way around taking it at this point.

But my question is: Could the use of this medication be keeping me from getting pregnant because it is screwing with the blood vessels or for some other reason?

Checking in

just wanted to check in how our pregnant friends are doing? Golde, KB75, HRD, bbchi, LAP, smitty, etc. Hope all is well... do keep us updated, or are you posting your status somewhere else?

Bummed

I just found out that my RE's office has a really shitty IVF success rate, and there is another clinic in my area whose success rate is twice that of mine, and I am really pissed I didn't go there. I should have researched more before I started. My insurance coverage for ART is about to run out, and I am positive I won't be one of the 28% (yeah, that low) that actually gets to be pregnant. This blows.

Bitchy Uterus?? (Posted on Google, too.)

Okay, I remember this happening every cycle, but I want to know if it
is just the Progesterone or if maybe my uterus is being a bitch. And,
yes, I am obsessing. Of course.
During my 2ww I always have shooting pains that last a second that
shoot through my uterus area down through my pubes, inner cramping
that seems to be coming from inside my uterus, and AF cramping the
whole way through the 2ww. (Well, right now I am blaming the cramping
on retrieval, but it is there.)
I can't help but wonder if this cramping (that comes every time
without fail) is either a reaction to the Progesterone or a physical
manifestation of my uterus bitch-slapping those poor embryos.
Thoughts, anyone?

This is for "BabyWarrior" and anyone else in their 2WW

I  don't know if you have ever seen this list, but I always get a good laugh out of it. I have seen it in a few groups. I saw your post about BDing after your transfer-  I don't think there is any harm in it and maybe your "awesome O" helped those embryos impant... it's possible :)

So, without further adoo, here is your list of things to do during your 2WW:

1. Take a walk around your neighborhood and figure out what will be the best route for strolls with the baby. Find areas with nice sidewalks and easy curbs. Go ahead and daydream. But do NOT buy a stroller for the dog.
2. Clean out your closet to make room for the maternity stuff you'll be buying soon. Try on anything you haven't worn for six months. Yes, if you wish, you may put a pillow in your undies to see what will work as maternity wear. But taking a picture of yourself like that is going too far.

3. Start a journal. Write down everything you're feeling. It will be a great opening chapter for your child's baby book. If you can't put your feelings into words draw something, try to create a symbol that expresses the frustration you're feeling. Don't get that symbol tattooed on your ankle.

4. Plant a hope garden. Or a hope rosebush. Or a hope citrus tree. You want to grow something inside of you, well start by growing something outside of you. Nurture it. Feed it. Give it water. Talk to it. But do not send out birth announcements.

5. Get better at photography. Really learn how to work all the buttons and settings on your camera. Experiment! If you have a digital camera, get all the downloading and editing stuff worked out. You will be well-prepared once you have a baby, and will be able to get some great shots and get them emailed to your family before the child's graduation. Do not take photos of your cervical mucous, even if Toni Weschler begs you.

6. Make an appeal to the committee meeting going on inside you. Sperm, egg, uterus, corpus luteum, progesterone…they are in there either making a baby or not. Treat them like any other unruly committee you've ever addressed. Yes that's right, go ahead and talk to them. Put your hands on your stomach and tell them how much you respect them. Make your best argument in favor of a baby, and then let them decide. It's out of your hands. Addressing the committee within earshot of normal people is not recommended.

7. Paint your toenails. Imagine how difficult this will be when you are pregnant. Go shopping for the perfect pink and blue nailpolish in preparation for a celebration polish. Alternating colors on the day you find out you're pregnant, or a single color for the day you find out the baby's sex. Don't be tempted to paint a cycle day countdown on your big toes.

8. Make a cup of herbal tea. It is a nice ritual: boiling the water, adding the tea leaves, pouring into a nice china cup, adding some milk or sugar, sipping peacefully. Ahhhh. There's nothing that a nice cup of tea won't help. Yeah right. Well it does kill a little bit of time.

9. Swim laps. Think about the sperm and how they need to swim to your egg. Imagine that you are a sperm, the end of the pool is the egg, then GO, GO, GO! Don't wear a tail or anything. Just imagine it quietly.

10. Make lists. List who you will tell when you get pregnant and in what order. List all the chores you need to get done instead of obsessing about this. List all the healthy activities you intend to do this week. List all the girl and boy names you like. Lists are helpful for all sorts of things, most of all for passing time rather than actually doing something.

11. Create a fertility dance. Choose whatever music speaks to your soul and make up a dance routine as a prayer to the universe for the growth of an embryo. Move your hips, rotate your belly, let your arms flow… but close the curtains.

12. Prepare a folic acid feast. Cream of broccoli soup appetizer, followed by spinach lasagna, enriched whole grain garlic bread and frozen orange juice sorbet for dessert. Dedicate the meal to your baby-to-be. Just don't set a highchair at the table in his or her honor.

13. Delegate the burden of the two-week wait. Clearly someone has to worry constantly during this time, but does it have to be you? Divide the days up among your best friends and closest family. On their assigned day they are required to think,wonder, and worry all day about whether you are pregnant or not. At the end of the day they have to call or send you email describing how agonizing it was. Also they have to report to you if they had any "symptoms," such as sore breasts, excessive urination, nausea, bleeding, fatigue…You will be surprised how many people, male and female, have early pregnancy symptoms if they just look for them.

14. Write a list of 14 things to do during the Two-Week Wait and post it to the internet. For me, this killed nearly 3 hours. Now what? I’ve still got 9 days to go? Aaaarrgrhhhh.

Weight Loss Buddies???

Ok... so anyone else trying to loose the "IVF 20"... LOL. I like that term. Jump on in... I'm on day #5 of the South Beach. Ugh. I want something sweet so bad, but I'm being stubborn. I have 62 days until vacation & starting another IVF cycle. Got to loose it. Anyone else want to share what they're doing, their goal & need some encouragement. (No rainbows or unicorns allowed... just realistic encouragement!) LOL!

Can you "bounce" your embryos to death?

Okay, so I had a transfer on Friday. Two beautiful 8-celled, A-grade embryos. (Though that doesn't mean much, b/c they were all perfect the first three times, too.)

I decided I would try not to obsess during this 2ww, and that I would just live life. In the past, even though my RE said it was okay, I avoided sex.

Well, yesterday, 2 days after my transfer, we had sex (with an awesome orgasm.) After Googling the subject (I shouldn't have Googled), I am freaking out.

Is it possible to hurt the embryos with the shock waves from and orgasm? I keep picturing my embryos bouncing on my uterine lining like the balls on the parachute in 3rd grade gym class. Help!