Heartbroken

I'm heartbroken guys, My SIL just left. She decided to come tell me she found out yesterday that she's pregnant. She started to "fake" cry and I stopped her, asked what's wrong? She says she feel sorry for me. I told her to stop lying, she doesn't feel sorry for me. She wouldn't have been trying so hard right now if she did. She's a bitch, I'm so angry. I couldn't wait for her to leave. I totally broke down to DH, I don't know how I can go through another pregnancy and birth if it's not me. I don't know how to feel right now I'm devestated. STUPID WHOREEEEE!!!

Infertility T-shirt Ideas

Thought these should be out in the public:

1. Who Shot My Stork???
2. Slippery When Ovulating
3. Egg Collector
4. I did IVF and all I got was this Lousy T-shirt.
5. No, I don't want to hold your baby.
6. My Embryo is an Honor Student.
7. Baby NOT on Board.
8. Babies Aren't Us.
9. I Have a Bitchy Uterus.
10.Knocked Down, Not Up.
11. Keep your unicorn farts to yourself.
12. Not expecting....just bloated.
13. Childless aunt does not equal free babysitter.
14. No Sex-pert Advice Please.
15. Worrying is a full-time job.
16. Rotten eggs: $30, 000.
17. I spent all my savings on infertility treatments, and all I got was this crappy t-shirt.
18. I like it small, thin and in the ass.
19. The vagina is not a clown car (with a picture of the Duggar family on it)!
20. Relax? I can't believe I didn't think of that.
21. Adoption costs $25000. It's not so easy to "just do" that.
22. Statements that begin with "At least..." do not comfort anyone.
23. REs at work.
24. www.infertilethoughts.com
25. My test tube baby kicked your naturally conceived honor student's ass.
26. I can't...I'm cycling.
27. (Photo courtesy of Epson vu-vu cam.)

28. "God's Plan" is for me to kick your ass.

29. IVF Meds: $5,000; IVF retrieval: $4,000; IVF transfer:$3,000; Kicking a fertile's ass: Priceless.
30. If I can't be pregnant, at least I can be thin. (thanks, babywarrior!)

I'm So Naive

I allowed myself to get excited. I told everyone I knew, even though my better judgement told me to wait until I was 10 weeks, after my 2nd u/s, and about to see my regular OB. After 4 great betas I spilled the beans at 6 weeks 1 day (can you say STUPID!!). At 6 wks 6dys, we saw our little one's heartbeat. Everything's great, right?! We had nothing to worry about! Wrong.

Four days later, home alone on a Sunday afternoon while DH was at work, I started having severe stomach pains. I had just had a little bit to eat and seriously thought it was severe gas pains...although I hadn't felt gas pains like this before. I couldn't sit down or even stand up straight. Everything was excruciating! I took my tempurature, my temp was low, not high. Threw up, felt a tiny bit better...enough to actually be able to curl into a ball and fall asleep. Slept about 30 minutes, woke up from the pain, threw up again, was so white I could have been Casper's twin. Was sweaty, shaky, and thought I might pass out. Decided I was ready to go to hospital but waited for DH to get home and take me. This whole ordeal lasted 5 1/2 hours before I made that decision to go to the hospital and DH got home to take me.

Ends up, my pregnancy was ectopic and had ruptured. Apparently I was strong and stable enough that I wasn't rushed into emergency surgery. I was transported to the hospital near my home, to the main branch in Atlanta where my RE's partner (who was on call that night) could do the surgery. There was still concern over whether or not the surgery should be done that night or the next morning. After having a back and chest spasm that bolted me upright in my hospital bed and that wouldn't allow me to breath (all brought on by the RE simply listening to my stomach), and in doing so, scaring the sh*t out of RE and DH, the surgery was on for that night. It was 13 hours between the time that the pain started and the time they began surgery. And no where in these 13 hours was I given pain meds, until RIGHT before the surgery started.
They removed the ectopic, cleaned out 1000cc's of blood, and closed off my other tube from my uterus so that this can't happen again. I came home from the hospital Tuesday afternoon.

Jes, I can't even fathom what you went through. I know it's the same but what you went through was on such a higher level than mine. It's been hard for me or DH to begin to process our loss because there's been so much to focus on physically. I think the emotional aspect is finally starting to take it's toll but it definitely took a while before we could even think about it.

It just sucks. Why do we have to go through this kind of crap after all that we have already suffered through? Will we ever catch a break!!

Weight Loss Buddies ... 3/18

Hey. I started a new post since our other one is getting really long...

Has anyone else noticed it's REALLY expensive to eat healthy? Yikes! I went to the grocery store yesterday & came home with 3 bags (they're the big re-useable ones, but still!!!) and spent $130! And that will probably feed us for 5 days. Ugh! It's so much cheaper to eat like crap!

AFM - I was so proud of myself 2 days ago. I weighed in & was down 7 lbs from starting weight! Yay! So, yesterday I was still at that -7 & felt so excited about that & a little extra motivated. So, I did my 30 mins of workout in the am & then in the afternoon, took my dog for a walk that lasted 1 hour & 15 minutes. I was so proud of myself. Then I weigh in this morning & I'm up a pound! Argh! I KNOW that I shouldn't worry about it. Your body can fluctuate 2 lbs in a day. BUT you know how us IVF gals are. We obsess over every little thing. So, today I'm trying to stay positive. Sticking to the diet & did my exercises this morning. May do another walk today, but not as long since I have somewhere to be this evening. I'm not obsessing... I'm not obsessing... I'm not obsessing. LOL! I just really want the date with Dave! LOL!

So... check in... how are my buddies doing?

Question for Medical Pros (BBChi?)

I am not in the medical field, but I have always been interested in science, and I have been wondering about something...

Every IVF cycle I do, I get a 2-day-long migraine around 5 to 7dp2dt. This, as I have read, is about the time of implantation. Because the migraine is so bad, will not go away on its own, and laughs at Tylenol, I am forced to take Maxalt, a rizotriptan, in order to function.

I am aware Maxalt constricts blood vessels in order to do its job, and I have begun to worry that I may be sabotaging things. When I ask my doctor about it, his canned response is "If you don't need it, don't take it. You shouldn't take it during pregnancy, blah, blah, blah..." But I DO need it, and there is really no way around taking it at this point.

But my question is: Could the use of this medication be keeping me from getting pregnant because it is screwing with the blood vessels or for some other reason?

Checking in

just wanted to check in how our pregnant friends are doing? Golde, KB75, HRD, bbchi, LAP, smitty, etc. Hope all is well... do keep us updated, or are you posting your status somewhere else?

Bummed

I just found out that my RE's office has a really shitty IVF success rate, and there is another clinic in my area whose success rate is twice that of mine, and I am really pissed I didn't go there. I should have researched more before I started. My insurance coverage for ART is about to run out, and I am positive I won't be one of the 28% (yeah, that low) that actually gets to be pregnant. This blows.

Bitchy Uterus?? (Posted on Google, too.)

Okay, I remember this happening every cycle, but I want to know if it
is just the Progesterone or if maybe my uterus is being a bitch. And,
yes, I am obsessing. Of course.
During my 2ww I always have shooting pains that last a second that
shoot through my uterus area down through my pubes, inner cramping
that seems to be coming from inside my uterus, and AF cramping the
whole way through the 2ww. (Well, right now I am blaming the cramping
on retrieval, but it is there.)
I can't help but wonder if this cramping (that comes every time
without fail) is either a reaction to the Progesterone or a physical
manifestation of my uterus bitch-slapping those poor embryos.
Thoughts, anyone?

This is for "BabyWarrior" and anyone else in their 2WW

I  don't know if you have ever seen this list, but I always get a good laugh out of it. I have seen it in a few groups. I saw your post about BDing after your transfer-  I don't think there is any harm in it and maybe your "awesome O" helped those embryos impant... it's possible :)

So, without further adoo, here is your list of things to do during your 2WW:

1. Take a walk around your neighborhood and figure out what will be the best route for strolls with the baby. Find areas with nice sidewalks and easy curbs. Go ahead and daydream. But do NOT buy a stroller for the dog.
2. Clean out your closet to make room for the maternity stuff you'll be buying soon. Try on anything you haven't worn for six months. Yes, if you wish, you may put a pillow in your undies to see what will work as maternity wear. But taking a picture of yourself like that is going too far.

3. Start a journal. Write down everything you're feeling. It will be a great opening chapter for your child's baby book. If you can't put your feelings into words draw something, try to create a symbol that expresses the frustration you're feeling. Don't get that symbol tattooed on your ankle.

4. Plant a hope garden. Or a hope rosebush. Or a hope citrus tree. You want to grow something inside of you, well start by growing something outside of you. Nurture it. Feed it. Give it water. Talk to it. But do not send out birth announcements.

5. Get better at photography. Really learn how to work all the buttons and settings on your camera. Experiment! If you have a digital camera, get all the downloading and editing stuff worked out. You will be well-prepared once you have a baby, and will be able to get some great shots and get them emailed to your family before the child's graduation. Do not take photos of your cervical mucous, even if Toni Weschler begs you.

6. Make an appeal to the committee meeting going on inside you. Sperm, egg, uterus, corpus luteum, progesterone…they are in there either making a baby or not. Treat them like any other unruly committee you've ever addressed. Yes that's right, go ahead and talk to them. Put your hands on your stomach and tell them how much you respect them. Make your best argument in favor of a baby, and then let them decide. It's out of your hands. Addressing the committee within earshot of normal people is not recommended.

7. Paint your toenails. Imagine how difficult this will be when you are pregnant. Go shopping for the perfect pink and blue nailpolish in preparation for a celebration polish. Alternating colors on the day you find out you're pregnant, or a single color for the day you find out the baby's sex. Don't be tempted to paint a cycle day countdown on your big toes.

8. Make a cup of herbal tea. It is a nice ritual: boiling the water, adding the tea leaves, pouring into a nice china cup, adding some milk or sugar, sipping peacefully. Ahhhh. There's nothing that a nice cup of tea won't help. Yeah right. Well it does kill a little bit of time.

9. Swim laps. Think about the sperm and how they need to swim to your egg. Imagine that you are a sperm, the end of the pool is the egg, then GO, GO, GO! Don't wear a tail or anything. Just imagine it quietly.

10. Make lists. List who you will tell when you get pregnant and in what order. List all the chores you need to get done instead of obsessing about this. List all the healthy activities you intend to do this week. List all the girl and boy names you like. Lists are helpful for all sorts of things, most of all for passing time rather than actually doing something.

11. Create a fertility dance. Choose whatever music speaks to your soul and make up a dance routine as a prayer to the universe for the growth of an embryo. Move your hips, rotate your belly, let your arms flow… but close the curtains.

12. Prepare a folic acid feast. Cream of broccoli soup appetizer, followed by spinach lasagna, enriched whole grain garlic bread and frozen orange juice sorbet for dessert. Dedicate the meal to your baby-to-be. Just don't set a highchair at the table in his or her honor.

13. Delegate the burden of the two-week wait. Clearly someone has to worry constantly during this time, but does it have to be you? Divide the days up among your best friends and closest family. On their assigned day they are required to think,wonder, and worry all day about whether you are pregnant or not. At the end of the day they have to call or send you email describing how agonizing it was. Also they have to report to you if they had any "symptoms," such as sore breasts, excessive urination, nausea, bleeding, fatigue…You will be surprised how many people, male and female, have early pregnancy symptoms if they just look for them.

14. Write a list of 14 things to do during the Two-Week Wait and post it to the internet. For me, this killed nearly 3 hours. Now what? I’ve still got 9 days to go? Aaaarrgrhhhh.

Weight Loss Buddies???

Ok... so anyone else trying to loose the "IVF 20"... LOL. I like that term. Jump on in... I'm on day #5 of the South Beach. Ugh. I want something sweet so bad, but I'm being stubborn. I have 62 days until vacation & starting another IVF cycle. Got to loose it. Anyone else want to share what they're doing, their goal & need some encouragement. (No rainbows or unicorns allowed... just realistic encouragement!) LOL!

Can you "bounce" your embryos to death?

Okay, so I had a transfer on Friday. Two beautiful 8-celled, A-grade embryos. (Though that doesn't mean much, b/c they were all perfect the first three times, too.)

I decided I would try not to obsess during this 2ww, and that I would just live life. In the past, even though my RE said it was okay, I avoided sex.

Well, yesterday, 2 days after my transfer, we had sex (with an awesome orgasm.) After Googling the subject (I shouldn't have Googled), I am freaking out.

Is it possible to hurt the embryos with the shock waves from and orgasm? I keep picturing my embryos bouncing on my uterine lining like the balls on the parachute in 3rd grade gym class. Help!

A bitch session...

Just thought I would let you all know about my delightful night the other night....

We were invited by a friend to dinner with other mates. Bearing in mind that the friend has just found out she is preg at over 3 months!! How do you not know for so long!!!! Anyway we asked who was going and were told who would be there and I knew a lot of them had just had babies etc etc. What we were not told was that every single one of them was bringing their babies and children!!!!! So when the one who just found out she was pg met the others and they were congratulating her she was pulling faces and complaining that she was not sure congrats was the word she would choose!!! They complaining about not being able to end this or that or drink. Then the others were complaining about how hard looking after 2 kids were.....

At the end of the meal I said to DH I wanted to leave and said can we just look for a taxi. Thankfully there was one waiting so we jumped into it without saying goodbye! DH called the husband to say we had left. His response was I guess it was a bit full on with all the kids there. WELL NO SHIT SHERLOCK!!! I mean would you not say that the whole baby population of the town was going to be there!!

I am sick of being the outcast everywhere I go socially!!

My WTF meeting outcome, plus a bitch

Hey girls,

Been MIA for a while. Relatives over from UK so no piece and quiet to correspond. I am at the hospital library atm to get some alone time!!!

So outcome of WTF meeting..... If you guys remember I had a nearly pregnancy last month but had really low progesterone which was not picked up until really late so not sure if that contributed to the crap outcome. Anyway RE said it may have been prog but also may not. I told him I was on prog pessaries (my own doing) whilst ttc naturally whilst waiting for next ivf round. His response, thats a good idea!! Hmm and he is being paid???

We went through all the possibilites of our "unexplained infertility" diagnosis. SA all ok (improved since DH on Menevit vitamin), prolactin levels all normal, HSG normal, chromosome tests all normal, fertilization rates of embryos all within expected range ie about 50%......

HOWEVER...... whereby originally RE was not concerned with endo as I did not have obvious signs (according to him) he now thinks it is a possibility... after ivf and fet failing after numerous iuis etc etc!!! Bearing in mind 18 months ago I told him I had a family history of severe endo and I had painful heavy periods with loose bowel motions all the time. RE stated b/c the HSG was clear and I had no pain on pelvic exam and no pain on intercourse he didn't believe I had it. My response this time was I WANT A LAPROSCOPY to rule it out. RE tried to make out that it was his idea to now do a lap to make sure what is going on in my uterus. I am furious seen as why the hell was it not done 18 months ago? And why did he say I didn't have it when I potentially could?

So the lap is potentially booked for next month however it may be cancelled seen as RE has put me on a private theatre list when I am a public pt so I may get cancelled if hospital admin find out. If that is the case it will be Aug until I can have op!

I am worried, angry, frustrated and feeling like a failure all rolled into one. Mainly really scared seen as I have always thought I could have endo so really worried about what they will find.

Slap in the face

Ok, so i tried to post this in the google group, but after 3 unsuccessful attempts I am moving over here.
I need to know if im being overly sensitive, or if this is blatantly rude?
Yesterday, my friend and i were hanging out and she begins to tell me a story about her friend from high school that was extremely overweight, and that she posted a bunch of new pics on facebook and had lost a lot of weight. Friend says she was jealous of the girl and trashed her for bragging about losing the weight with lots of hard work and low fat/cal diets.
Little background on friend: she weighs 250+ lbs. A few years back she lost 60ish lbs and has gained alot of it back. So even with me being pregnant, she has 60+ lbs on me.
So from there, the conversation goes like this:
her: So, can you tell your pants are tighter yet?
me: No, but i cant suck in AT ALL
her: yeah, i totally noticed today that you cant suck your stomach in-----dramatic pause------BUT, its awesome because youre pregnant and it doesnt matter if youre stomach sticks out.

I wanted to tell her that now I just knew what she must feel like. But I didnt. I laughed and blew it off. But REALLY? how rude! She knows I am not even 3 months along and any pooches are not from a baby, but from food! Am i crazy?