Joan The Fertility Unicorn & Other Hocus Pocus

Once Upon a Time...Joan The Fertility Unicorn was born in an "encouraging" parody post by KB75.  Here is that post, relive the birth of Joan:

Dearest Future-Fertile (that's what I prefer to call you since I KNOW your BFP is going to be guaranteed by the baby dust that shoots out of the Fertility Unicorn's magic vagina - her name is Joan, Joan the Fertility Unicorn...and her magic vagina is sticky and glorious) -

I bought something on eBay...you might want to consider getting one for yourself.  The witch that sold it to me (she's the good kind) has a beautiful rainbow aura, which I read on the internet is an ancient sign of the presence of fertility vibes.  I know she has a rainbow aura because she told me and good witches don't lie.  Also, I went to high school with her and she had perfect attendance (she also got pregnant sophomore year with triplets and she was a virgin.)  So I don't have any doubts about her being able to help me get my BFP!  I like to think that the "F" stands for Fairy.  I know that for most people, the "F" is for Fat (I heard some mean girls who used to post here said it was for a 4 letter word)...but Fat is a negative and I only use positive words.  My aunt was at the podiatrist one time and told him about my wanting a baby and he said that his wife's manicurist said that the eggs, sperm, and embryos can hear and if you say negative things, they will become suicidal and jump out of your vagina when you go to the bathroom so they can drown themselves in the toilet.  So if I were you, I would think of the "F" being for Fairy every time you say or type BFP, because it wouldn't surprise me if the eggs, sperm, and embryos know what you're thinking and/or can see out your eyes when you type.  If you want to know about what I bought on eBay, PM me.  The witch said that her fertility vibes are limited (that's why her products are so expensive) and if I post about it publicly, she might run out before I get my BFairyP.

I have some other suggestions for you that have come to me from a lot of internet research and also I got a porcelain unicorn at the flea market that has a rainbow mane and tail which I have been praying to.  Some of my best ideas come from praying to that unicorn.  

First, don't waste your dust.  I have been collecting mine in a glass jar I bought at the garage sale of a woman with 6 children (and her husband lost his penis in a tragic lawn mower accident when he was 10, so obviously Joan the Fertility Unicorn sleeps under her bed.)  Anyway, the dust...collect it from around your house.  See if you can find your own magic garage sale, they're good places to look for dust collecting jars.  Once you have a good jar and have collected at least half a jar of dust, go to your local craft store and buy some glitter.  Now this part is important, if you want to have a girl buy pink glitter, for a boy, blue glitter.  I know that sounds obvious, but a lot of people don't understand how this works...crazy, I know.  Next, you'll need to buy some white gloves and a purple beeswax candle.  When you get home, light the candle under your bed and put on the white gloves.  Remove the lid from your dust jar and mix the glitter with your dust.  Congratulations!  You just made babydust!  Each morning, before you pee, make yourself a cup of tea from your babydust.  Don't worry, if you burned the candle under your bed, the tea won't hurt you.  Don't think of it as dust anymore...think of it as little, tiny pieces of your future baby, and if you drink enough of it, those pieces will form into your bundle of joy inside you.  After you make your tea, take it to the bathroom and drink it as you pee.  It's important that you don't stop peeing before you're done drinking the tea and that you don't finish the tea before you're done peeing.  It might take a couple tries to get the timing right, but don't give up if you want your BFP!

I would also suggest finding your own unicorn to pray to.  If it doesn't come with a rainbow mane and tale, you can just get some paint and do your own rainbows.

Another good idea I got from my unicorn prayers is to put honey in my vagina.  It's a good idea to put it in there after you have sex, that way it's hard for the eggs and sperm to commit suicide or to slide out on accident.  Also, if you do IVF, put it in there after transfer, as much as you can fit.  (I have a very large vagina, so I need several bottles each time I do it.)  If you also have a large vagina I would suggest going to Costco or some other place that sells in large quantities, as buying individual bottles can add up very quickly.  You might want to have at least one of the honey bears on hand though, their squirt tops are handy for squirting it up there...and if you want to make your chances even better, hold a marriage ceremony for your fertility unicorn and the honey bear.  Anything for your BFP!!!  

I am still waiting for my BFP.  Sometimes I worry if Joan the Fertility Unicorn accidentally put honey in her vagina and it's keeping the babydust from shooting out when she flies over my house.  LOL! 

May the legs of Joan hug your uterus as her magic vagina shoots you in the face!

Sisters in Future Fertility,
MyBabyWaits4MeinJoan'sCloudNest34 

PS
If you need glitter, purple beeswax candles, porcelain unicorns, or dust
jars let me know...I sell them all on eBay and my prices are great!