My first blog post ever and not the topic I wish it was about.
Jes and KB, your posts were so timely for me.
At almost 44, with 6 failed IVF cycles, is it time to stop? Can I put myself through another cycle? Don’t they say that the definition of stupidity is doing the same things over and over and expecting different results. How many times will it take to get through to me? I keep thinking that I just need that one good month. With IVF odds below 10% for my age, it is a huge gamble…..but people do get pregnant and have IVF success at my age….just very few of them…and not me. And what if November was my “good month”? I transferred one normal (or ½ normal as we tested ½ the chromosomes) and it still didn’t work. What if that was it? Was that my golden ticket? If I don’t stop at 6, when would be the right point…8…10…12? Is my head really that hard? Could my heart take it? Am I truly fucking up my body and is the effect of all these hormones going to mess up the rest of my life?
How do I give up on my eggs? How do I become okay with the thought that my family’s wonderful qualities won’t get passed on genetically to my child? Can I get over my concerns with using a donor egg? Can I get past the idea that I’m paying someone to go through all the shit of injections just so I can have a baby? Can I come to grips with the idea that I’m “designing” a baby by using both donor sperm and donor eggs? Am I really that desperate? I’m beginning to think yes. And what if that fails also? Wouldn’t that just be my luck?
My brother told me that he would be totally supportive of me using donor eggs. He and his wife have been my sounding boards through this as they went through 6 rounds of IVF. After 3, they became pregnant, but their daughter was born prematurely and only lived 10 days. After 3 more, they had my gorgeous niece who is now 2 ½ and I dote on. But it is so much easier to tell someone else to move to donor eggs than to do it yourself.
Jes, I too am a planner. I don’t know what I’m going to do if I don’t get to be a mom. Nothing, no quest, looks as good to me for the next 20 years of my life. I don’t want to be stuck in my same life. I have a great condo, great job, and wonderful and supportive family and friends…but I am alone and I want so much more than going through my life only as me. I want to be able to give all the love inside me to a child and a husband….but both have eluded me.
When I saw the cover of People magazine in the airport this week with Celine Dion’s IVF heartbreak on the cover, my first thought was “only 4 failures?” Not that I want any of us to go through this gut wrenching experience with that many negatives, but with 6 negatives I don’t see anybody writing up my heartbreak in a magazine. And she had her son on her very first IVF…so it is hard for me to feel too sad for her. Who knew this infertility stuff would turn me into a bitter unsympathetic person?
KB, Yeah, my face look like shit this whole past 2WW. Breakouts everywhere.
I won’t make any decisions when I’m in this emotional hormonal place. I’m taking at least a month off to let my body recover. But then again, I won’t be able to stop thinking about it. It is going to take a while to dig myself out of this giant pit of despair that I’m currently stuck in.
Saturday, February 13, 2010
Friday, February 12, 2010
Beta results
I have just posted this on our google group too....
In disbelieve, and not in a good way.
Beta is only 21.5, oestrogen 935 and progesterone 12.3 So basically the clinic don't know whether I am pregnant or have some of the HCG injection still left in my system. Progesterone is "very low" in their words so I am now on progesterone vaginal cream 90mg every day. I am pissed that I was not on the pessary from the get go b/c now I am thinking AF could be minutes away. A level this low means shedding may not be far away. And with it any hope I may have had.
No wonder the hpts were showing so faint seen as the sensitivity on the tests were 25.
So now I am hanging in limber not knowing what to think. If it is a pregnancy I hope it is not too late to boost progesterone levels. Or is that stupid to think b/c it may just be left over medication in my system? I really feel totally lost.
In disbelieve, and not in a good way.
Beta is only 21.5, oestrogen 935 and progesterone 12.3 So basically the clinic don't know whether I am pregnant or have some of the HCG injection still left in my system. Progesterone is "very low" in their words so I am now on progesterone vaginal cream 90mg every day. I am pissed that I was not on the pessary from the get go b/c now I am thinking AF could be minutes away. A level this low means shedding may not be far away. And with it any hope I may have had.
No wonder the hpts were showing so faint seen as the sensitivity on the tests were 25.
So now I am hanging in limber not knowing what to think. If it is a pregnancy I hope it is not too late to boost progesterone levels. Or is that stupid to think b/c it may just be left over medication in my system? I really feel totally lost.
You Have Got To Be Fucking Kidding Me
So we went to the RE today for our second US. If you'll recall from the boards during our last US we saw an amazing heartbeat. So the doc said that she figures our chances of MC go down to about 10%. I must be the most unluckiest bitch in the world cause I have MC'd. WTF?! Needless to say today has been really hard for DH and I. We are just in shock. Even my RE said she didn't see this coming at all. I thought she was going to cry in the room. I go in Monday for a d&c. RE wants to send the baby off to be tested. I guess if there is a silver lining it would be if they came back and would give us some really rational explanation that we can get treated for. Of course, the chances of that are slim, we think. So safe sex and no trying for another couple of months. Ugh. I told DH - does this mean that if it took us a year and a half to get pg with this one will it take another year and a half for a miracle like this to happen again?
We did have the adoption talk today. We're definitely one step closer to either that or donor egg. Of course, we'll try one more IVF as soon as we can and then that's it if we try for that at all. Part of me wants to say I an DONE. But I am sure I will feel differently once this shock wears off.
To make matters worse - one of the bridesmaids in my wedding had her baby today. Great - she gets one and I get one taken away. Life is really fucking cruel. No one deserves this. AND if one person tells me or DH that "it just wasn't meant to be - that God had a bigger plan for us"...well you better watch our cause you might get socked in the fucking face!
Hey - How was that for a confession? I think Dave would NOT approve of this post. How about you?! haha
We did have the adoption talk today. We're definitely one step closer to either that or donor egg. Of course, we'll try one more IVF as soon as we can and then that's it if we try for that at all. Part of me wants to say I an DONE. But I am sure I will feel differently once this shock wears off.
To make matters worse - one of the bridesmaids in my wedding had her baby today. Great - she gets one and I get one taken away. Life is really fucking cruel. No one deserves this. AND if one person tells me or DH that "it just wasn't meant to be - that God had a bigger plan for us"...well you better watch our cause you might get socked in the fucking face!
Hey - How was that for a confession? I think Dave would NOT approve of this post. How about you?! haha
Progesterone question? (ooohhh, bbchi?)
So...they did bloodwork after my u/s yesterday and my progesterone was 32. It was 31.8 the day of my 2nd beta. They told me I can stop the PIO shots and go to prometrium suppositories, but now im kinda scared that it will drop while im producing it on my own. Is this a ridiculous way to think?
A little validation please?!
Will you guys please look at my stick LOL? I need to know if I'm crazy or not. It's so so sooo light, but I see it. This picture is after the time limit, but this is how it looked within the time limits as well. Please validate my thoughts.. or kick me in the ass and tell me I've officially gone over the deep end :)
http://www.flickr.com/photos/46604446@N02/4352428748/
http://www.flickr.com/photos/46604446@N02/4352428748/
I Confess: Progesterone-Fueled Breakouts
Alright...I've been keeping my mouth shut on this subject, but this is getting ridiculous! I've got zits in places I've never had them before. Nothing seems to help. It disgusts me. My forehead, neck, chest, back. Grrrooosssss. Any magic potions you can recommend? I wish I could get in the tub and soak in some hot water while my face steams...but nooooooo. My frustration is building....
Response to Jes and KB
Wow Jes & KB - Deep thoughts for a Friday! But thank you so much for sharing. It helps so much sometimes to hear people are going through the exact same thought process you are so you know that just maybe you aren't absolutely insane.
Jes, what you went through is so unbelievable - I can imagine making the decision of what to do next is difficult. You have got to be scared as hell. But while you may not have tubes, you still have eggs. There are a gazillion success stories about people getting pg with IVF in similar situations.
KB - I was unhappily single at 35 and had my FSH tested. It was fine so I thought phew, I don't have to try doing this on my own just yet. But knew I wanted to be a mommy. Met DH at 38, married at 40 and here we are almost a year later and I feel time slipping away. I get where you are coming from. But compared to me - you are a spring chicken! :) I got six years on ya sistah sledge!
I have a blocked tube, an old body, I'm obese by my RE's standards, 1 failed IVF, and 1 miscarriage after a "miraculous" natural pregnancy last month. I had waited an extra month to start up IVF again trying in vain to lose the fat that my doctor says could affect my success go about 45lbs to lose). But instead, I put everything I could find in my mouth and drank like a fish over New Years - and bam - pregnant. I was so wanting to go to my RE's office and be like "in your face MoFo - who says the fat, 41 year-0ld lush can't get pg!!" But it ended quickly and there was not that opportunity. I'm sure he is thinking that my lifestyle caused the m/c. IF he ever says that to me, I will go postal with PMS on him.
You would think though that a baby would be the ultimate motivator to lose weight - just goes to show how little control I have over my food issues. Now we have to wait two more months for the shitty drugs they had me take to destroy the cells to get out of my body before we can try again. I am anxious to start again and hope that we don't have any more setbacks.
I think about my status of not being a parent all the time. I hate that I'm at that age where people assume since I am married I must have kids. When they ask and I say no, they give you that shocked - REALLY? response. Sometimes I want to launch into what I have gone through thus far to remedy that, but haven't yet. We have a couple different groups of friends - one is the childless group. We have tended to do a lot with that group lately. Sometimes I feel like we should hang out with the haves and not the havenots so that maybe their parentness will rub off on me somehow. I actually had someone tell me at a party that I should go to baby showers and hang out with pregnant people so their pheramones (sp?) would improve my fertility. Are you fucking kidding me? BTW, I love that we can swear on this site. :)
Anyway, thanks for the opportunity to vent. I know so many of you have gone through way more than me. But no matter what you have been through, you find a way to get through it. As far as when is it over? I liked your line KB about being broke and broken - s0 many amazing women go further than they thought they would because they are stronger than they ever knew they were. I guess you don't know until you get there. I have insurance to cover 2 more IVF's. After that, we'll have to decide if we are going to buy DE's or go for adoption. Or rob a bank. :)
I hope all you ladies have a wonderful weekend and regardless of whether your DH or Sig other or whatever treats you nice on V-day, treat yourselves nice and do something just for you. You deserve it. :)
Rie
Jes, what you went through is so unbelievable - I can imagine making the decision of what to do next is difficult. You have got to be scared as hell. But while you may not have tubes, you still have eggs. There are a gazillion success stories about people getting pg with IVF in similar situations.
KB - I was unhappily single at 35 and had my FSH tested. It was fine so I thought phew, I don't have to try doing this on my own just yet. But knew I wanted to be a mommy. Met DH at 38, married at 40 and here we are almost a year later and I feel time slipping away. I get where you are coming from. But compared to me - you are a spring chicken! :) I got six years on ya sistah sledge!
I have a blocked tube, an old body, I'm obese by my RE's standards, 1 failed IVF, and 1 miscarriage after a "miraculous" natural pregnancy last month. I had waited an extra month to start up IVF again trying in vain to lose the fat that my doctor says could affect my success go about 45lbs to lose). But instead, I put everything I could find in my mouth and drank like a fish over New Years - and bam - pregnant. I was so wanting to go to my RE's office and be like "in your face MoFo - who says the fat, 41 year-0ld lush can't get pg!!" But it ended quickly and there was not that opportunity. I'm sure he is thinking that my lifestyle caused the m/c. IF he ever says that to me, I will go postal with PMS on him.
You would think though that a baby would be the ultimate motivator to lose weight - just goes to show how little control I have over my food issues. Now we have to wait two more months for the shitty drugs they had me take to destroy the cells to get out of my body before we can try again. I am anxious to start again and hope that we don't have any more setbacks.
I think about my status of not being a parent all the time. I hate that I'm at that age where people assume since I am married I must have kids. When they ask and I say no, they give you that shocked - REALLY? response. Sometimes I want to launch into what I have gone through thus far to remedy that, but haven't yet. We have a couple different groups of friends - one is the childless group. We have tended to do a lot with that group lately. Sometimes I feel like we should hang out with the haves and not the havenots so that maybe their parentness will rub off on me somehow. I actually had someone tell me at a party that I should go to baby showers and hang out with pregnant people so their pheramones (sp?) would improve my fertility. Are you fucking kidding me? BTW, I love that we can swear on this site. :)
Anyway, thanks for the opportunity to vent. I know so many of you have gone through way more than me. But no matter what you have been through, you find a way to get through it. As far as when is it over? I liked your line KB about being broke and broken - s0 many amazing women go further than they thought they would because they are stronger than they ever knew they were. I guess you don't know until you get there. I have insurance to cover 2 more IVF's. After that, we'll have to decide if we are going to buy DE's or go for adoption. Or rob a bank. :)
I hope all you ladies have a wonderful weekend and regardless of whether your DH or Sig other or whatever treats you nice on V-day, treat yourselves nice and do something just for you. You deserve it. :)
Rie
I confess.. I POAS this morning.
And it was very, very, very faint positive. Like I could see it, but if I looked at it for too long I'd have to refocus to see it again LOL. My husband kept saying is there a line or not..? I told him he'd have to look for himself because my eyes can sometimes play tricks on me. He said he saw it too! Now I have to ponder the fact that I could possibly have HCG left from the trigger. I triggered with 5,000U on 1/31. Any ideas?
Thursday, February 11, 2010
Cramping..?
3dp6dt and I've been cramping off and on since yesterday. Sometimes I feel like it's a good thing, other times I feel like it's AF. Since I'm on PIO and AF would be due about today, maybe it is AF and the PIO is keeping her from showing up? Ughhhh.. I hate this. I know this question is always asked, but for all you preggo's is cramping normal around the time AF would be here? It feels like the dull cramp that (in a non IVF cycle) would need to be medicated before it gets out of hand, followed by heavy bleeding. I don't know what to think!!
A Response to "When is it over?" by Jes
I gave myself a lot of deadlines, *sigh*...
I don't know the answer. I don't know if there is an answer. Part of me can't believe that I'm 35 and childless...no, all of me can't believe it. This wasn't supposed to be my life. And even though my HPT and Beta were positive...I still can't really believe this is going to happen for me. Maybe if I'd only tried for a few years...but after more than 7 (even though it was just the natural way) it seems completely, totally, entirely out of my reach.
I had it all planned out, too. The age at which I'd be married, the age at which we'd start having children (and the age at which we'd be done.) I can't believe I'm so far off track...35 years of my life are behind me and the thing I thought would be my life's work (raising a family) hasn't even started yet.
And now...I worry that I've lost the ability to be happy. I've done such a good job at shutting down, at not letting things get to me...even the +HPT couldn't elicit an emotional response. Everyone at the doctor's office was so excited for me, why couldn't I be excited for myself? Because, it's early! Because I know all the things that can/may still go wrong that will cause this to be even worse than just a regular unsuccessful cycle. I still feel like a failure...I'm still angry that this may never happen for me (and if it does, I had to go through a huge load of shit to get it.)
So yeah...I have no answers for you, Jes. My guess is that you're not done...you're just feeling extremely emotional right now and that once you get it out of your system (like that ever happens) you'll be ready to go again.
But there does have to be a stopping point, doesn't there? When you're broke? When you're broken? When did that ever stop any of us?
I don't know the answer. I don't know if there is an answer. Part of me can't believe that I'm 35 and childless...no, all of me can't believe it. This wasn't supposed to be my life. And even though my HPT and Beta were positive...I still can't really believe this is going to happen for me. Maybe if I'd only tried for a few years...but after more than 7 (even though it was just the natural way) it seems completely, totally, entirely out of my reach.
I had it all planned out, too. The age at which I'd be married, the age at which we'd start having children (and the age at which we'd be done.) I can't believe I'm so far off track...35 years of my life are behind me and the thing I thought would be my life's work (raising a family) hasn't even started yet.
And now...I worry that I've lost the ability to be happy. I've done such a good job at shutting down, at not letting things get to me...even the +HPT couldn't elicit an emotional response. Everyone at the doctor's office was so excited for me, why couldn't I be excited for myself? Because, it's early! Because I know all the things that can/may still go wrong that will cause this to be even worse than just a regular unsuccessful cycle. I still feel like a failure...I'm still angry that this may never happen for me (and if it does, I had to go through a huge load of shit to get it.)
So yeah...I have no answers for you, Jes. My guess is that you're not done...you're just feeling extremely emotional right now and that once you get it out of your system (like that ever happens) you'll be ready to go again.
But there does have to be a stopping point, doesn't there? When you're broke? When you're broken? When did that ever stop any of us?
When is it over?
So, I've been having this conversation in my head for a couple of weeks now, and I need to get it out there.
When do I say 'Enough'?
How do I decide if this quest for a child is over?
What is down the other fork in the road...the one w/out kids?
I am a big planner - college, good job, husband, family, grandkids, etc...all planned out. Well, you girls all know how that goes. I'm feeling lost without a plan right now.
So, I had a major breakdown on Sunday night - partially alcohol induced from the Super Bowl party, but that's beside the point - I WAS do for a breakdown.
I just don't know if I can continue on. I don't know if I have it in me to try again, and if I don't, then what??? What's my new plan? Quit the stable job I only took because of benefits and track down my 'dream job', or quit it all and travel the world? Do we sell everything and move to a new city? This is what runs through my head all the time!
I guess I feel like if I give up my journey for a child, then I better fill that hole with something...anything. I can't imagine just trudging through my days as is, w/ out SOME quest.
So, I know that we have so many wonderful BFP's in out group right now, and I am so thrilled for you, but regardless, I think that at one time or another, most of you have had a similar conversation with yourselves.
How do you deal with it? Did you give yourself a 'deadline'? When is the quest over for you?
Sorry to be the 'downer' post, but I value you all so much, and there is no one else that can understand this.
When do I say 'Enough'?
How do I decide if this quest for a child is over?
What is down the other fork in the road...the one w/out kids?
I am a big planner - college, good job, husband, family, grandkids, etc...all planned out. Well, you girls all know how that goes. I'm feeling lost without a plan right now.
So, I had a major breakdown on Sunday night - partially alcohol induced from the Super Bowl party, but that's beside the point - I WAS do for a breakdown.
I just don't know if I can continue on. I don't know if I have it in me to try again, and if I don't, then what??? What's my new plan? Quit the stable job I only took because of benefits and track down my 'dream job', or quit it all and travel the world? Do we sell everything and move to a new city? This is what runs through my head all the time!
I guess I feel like if I give up my journey for a child, then I better fill that hole with something...anything. I can't imagine just trudging through my days as is, w/ out SOME quest.
So, I know that we have so many wonderful BFP's in out group right now, and I am so thrilled for you, but regardless, I think that at one time or another, most of you have had a similar conversation with yourselves.
How do you deal with it? Did you give yourself a 'deadline'? When is the quest over for you?
Sorry to be the 'downer' post, but I value you all so much, and there is no one else that can understand this.
I'm so fed up with EVERYONE!!!
I was just talking with my mom (her and my sis in-law are very close) So much so that at times I tend to be a little jealous. Anyways, she tells me to just be happy for her. I told her that nobody knows how it feels to have someone continuously chatting to you about trying to have a baby and the problems they are having and then compare it to you like its the same thing when its NOT. I told her that they will never know how I feel or go through everyday of my life. Her response..Well your not going through it right now...WTF No mom my infertility only exists when I'm going through the many different treatments, my pain only exists when I'm doing IVF or having surgery. Didn't realize it was something that I could just put on the back burner until the next time I start to poke myself...Is this the idiot speech day or something??
My sis in-law is an IDIOT!!!
ok so I know I've said this before but she really gets on my last nerve. I think I've told you all but shes trying really hard to have her 3rd child but having some problems. First the doctor thought it could be endometriosis so they tested her for it. Anyways, first thing this morning she calls me saying her tests were ok but that her uterus lining is at 18mm. She's like "OMG the doctor thought there could be a baby in there, I really hope so because we want a big family" Then she's giggling and saying how she knows what I'm going through and she already has her 2 kids and that she's been feeling her nipples to see if they are getting bigger. ARE YOU F******* kidding me, she has NO idea what I'm going through. Like she said she has 2, I have NONE and have been dealing with this alot longer than she has. Try poking yourself day and night for 2 months, taking all different kinds of meds that make you go nuts, sticking a suppository up your vava and having to deal with the mess it causes, try spreading your legs wide open to everyone and thier mother while their sticking weird things up pushing and pulling, try being sent for numerous surgeries only to have them tell you something else is wrong, try going to see nurses and doctors almost everyday for over a year just to tell you your a failure. After that then you can tell me you know how I feel ARGHHHH I'm getting sick of hearing about other people problems when I have my own. Don't friggin tell me anything about you trying to get pregnant, nothing about what they THINK you may or may not have, just keep that CRAP to yourself. Once your pregnant them tell me and I will deal with it. I'm sick of being a support group for IDIOTS!!!
Damn Symptoms..
Cramps or no cramps.. I don't know what makes me feel better. I was cramping a bit yesterday and feeling all excited (maybe implantation?!). Then I was laying in bed last night for what seemed like forever because I couldn't shut my mind off, and what I finally figured out is that in a normal cycle I would be getting my period about now, so the cramps are probably my body wanting to start my period, but good ol' IM progesterone isn't allowing it. Damn it. I'm 3dp6dt. Now I don't know HOW I want to feel.
Then, I was so furious yesterday because I got a bill from the hospital for an ultrasound at the beginning of stims when my RE let me do them in my hometown. I usually go to my OB for the first 3, but this one fell on a Saturday and he was going to be gone for the weekend. So I went into the hospital and the on call ultrasound tech came in. First off, she was very rude. She told me she wanted to start abdominally and I told her we always do them vaginally and the time the other ultrasound place in town tried it abdominally she couldn't see anything and I got charged for both, blah, blah, blah.. But what do I know?! She said since she's never scanned me before she was gonna try it abdominally. Well (obviously) we ended up transvaginally. After already being irritated that she wouldn't listen to me, the ultrasound took 40 MINUTES!! And..to top it off.. she wouldn't let me see the screen. So I'm staring at the ceiling, legs wide, wondering when it's gonna be over.. She didn't even talk to me the entire time. So, anyway, the point I'm getting at is I got the bill today and it's $594!!! They DID charge me for both. I'm calling today because I'm so pissed off. My OB charges me like $130. This is bullshit!!!
Anyway, thanks for listening. The things I think of at night when I can't fall asleep..
Then, I was so furious yesterday because I got a bill from the hospital for an ultrasound at the beginning of stims when my RE let me do them in my hometown. I usually go to my OB for the first 3, but this one fell on a Saturday and he was going to be gone for the weekend. So I went into the hospital and the on call ultrasound tech came in. First off, she was very rude. She told me she wanted to start abdominally and I told her we always do them vaginally and the time the other ultrasound place in town tried it abdominally she couldn't see anything and I got charged for both, blah, blah, blah.. But what do I know?! She said since she's never scanned me before she was gonna try it abdominally. Well (obviously) we ended up transvaginally. After already being irritated that she wouldn't listen to me, the ultrasound took 40 MINUTES!! And..to top it off.. she wouldn't let me see the screen. So I'm staring at the ceiling, legs wide, wondering when it's gonna be over.. She didn't even talk to me the entire time. So, anyway, the point I'm getting at is I got the bill today and it's $594!!! They DID charge me for both. I'm calling today because I'm so pissed off. My OB charges me like $130. This is bullshit!!!
Anyway, thanks for listening. The things I think of at night when I can't fall asleep..
How long does Pregnyl (booster injection) last in your system?
Hey girls,
Can anyone tell me how long Pregnyl lasts in your system? We call it Pregnyl in Aus but I know you guys use a different name. Its the one that you trigger with and then have booster shots of post ET?
When can you do a HPT reliably after an injection?
Can anyone tell me how long Pregnyl lasts in your system? We call it Pregnyl in Aus but I know you guys use a different name. Its the one that you trigger with and then have booster shots of post ET?
When can you do a HPT reliably after an injection?
Wednesday, February 10, 2010
Letting Go of an Old Friend
One of my BFFs from high school was a guy. Let's call him Guy. We had hung out with the same group of friends in high school, and clicked pretty much right away, purely platonically. We were part of each other's families -- my mom loved him, his mom loved me. We would talk all the time, and go for lunch / dinner / coffee / errands together throughout college, grad school, and beyond. Guy and I saw each other through, vented, and gave advice about our respective boyfriends and girlfriends. We were there for each other through the break-ups. We were there for each other through deaths in the family. And when we'd go to nightclubs or parties, I'd be his wing-lady and he'd be my wing-man. Basically, we were the brother / sister each never had.
So it wasn't surprising that we met our future spouses at about the same time, got engaged within a month of each other, and got married within weeks of each other. It was so cool to have someone to share that experience with, and to get the opposite sex's perspective on the milestones. I LOVED his wife, and he and my husband became fast buddies. Now we'd hang out as couples all the time, and even planned to one day go on vacation all together.
So you can imagine my shock -- and truthfully, anger -- when almost a year into their marriage, I found out randomly, through the grapevine, that Guy's wife was 5 months pregnant. I felt betrayed -- I thought we were soooo close, why would he not share this important news with me? So I called him and confronted him, and got salt poured into the wound: he had invited several friends over to his home a couple months before for an announcement dinner. OUCH. It was disputed whether I had been invited or not to the announcement dinner, but I COULD. NOT. BELIEVE. that he didn't call me the next day and say "Hey, I wish you were there yesterday, we had some pretty big news to tell..." And what made it worse was that all these months, his wife and I were talking / emailing, and wasn't she wondering why I never bothered congratulating her on her pregnancy? She must've been so hurt and insulted!
Graciously, a couple months later, she invited me to her baby shower. I never got an apology from Guy, and so I was still very very hurt. This was one of my best, closest friends of 12 years that didn't think enough of me to tell me he was having his first child! So I politely declined the invitation, and didn't even send a gift. I think that was the nail in the coffin, because we pretty much stopped speaking after that, and I would only hear about his baby's birth, and of baby #2, through our mutual friends.
We run into each other every once in a while, and are polite and friendly with each other when we are in the same room. We've both been married for 4 years now -- they have 2 kids (and probably a 3rd cooking by now), while I have 0 to my credit. I can't help thinking every time we are together that Guy and his wife probably think I was mad and cut off our friendship because I resented that conception and pregnancy came to them so easily, while my husband and I had to try so hard. It wasn't true at the time -- because my husband and I did not start trying till over a year later. But it is true now.
So it wasn't surprising that we met our future spouses at about the same time, got engaged within a month of each other, and got married within weeks of each other. It was so cool to have someone to share that experience with, and to get the opposite sex's perspective on the milestones. I LOVED his wife, and he and my husband became fast buddies. Now we'd hang out as couples all the time, and even planned to one day go on vacation all together.
So you can imagine my shock -- and truthfully, anger -- when almost a year into their marriage, I found out randomly, through the grapevine, that Guy's wife was 5 months pregnant. I felt betrayed -- I thought we were soooo close, why would he not share this important news with me? So I called him and confronted him, and got salt poured into the wound: he had invited several friends over to his home a couple months before for an announcement dinner. OUCH. It was disputed whether I had been invited or not to the announcement dinner, but I COULD. NOT. BELIEVE. that he didn't call me the next day and say "Hey, I wish you were there yesterday, we had some pretty big news to tell..." And what made it worse was that all these months, his wife and I were talking / emailing, and wasn't she wondering why I never bothered congratulating her on her pregnancy? She must've been so hurt and insulted!
Graciously, a couple months later, she invited me to her baby shower. I never got an apology from Guy, and so I was still very very hurt. This was one of my best, closest friends of 12 years that didn't think enough of me to tell me he was having his first child! So I politely declined the invitation, and didn't even send a gift. I think that was the nail in the coffin, because we pretty much stopped speaking after that, and I would only hear about his baby's birth, and of baby #2, through our mutual friends.
We run into each other every once in a while, and are polite and friendly with each other when we are in the same room. We've both been married for 4 years now -- they have 2 kids (and probably a 3rd cooking by now), while I have 0 to my credit. I can't help thinking every time we are together that Guy and his wife probably think I was mad and cut off our friendship because I resented that conception and pregnancy came to them so easily, while my husband and I had to try so hard. It wasn't true at the time -- because my husband and I did not start trying till over a year later. But it is true now.
ET didn't go quite as planned...
I had my FET yesterday after what seemed like an eternity of waiting around for it! I went into it feeling pretty optimistic. However there was a big turn of events! Why does that always happen when we are least expecting it? And why wasn't I expecting it? It seems like after everything we go through we should expect something to go wrong with everything.. Uugh!
So as I'm getting situated on the bed thingy, the nurse mentions the RE's name...What?! That's not my RE, I was told it would be my RE doing the transfer this time! No such luck! Okay, not too big of a deal, it's the same guy who did my last transfer and he's a friend of mine's RE. I can deal with this...
Then my nurse puts up the picture of our little blastocyst.....just one little blastocyst. DH looks at me and is immediately like, "There better be two! We are supposed to be transfering two!" The RE and embryologist come in and say hello and look at the picture of our little guy and tell us how excellent it is and I start interupting telling them there was supposed to be two, we are transfering two today! RE and embryologist look at their charts and say that it states "one or two." What the ??? I had this specific conversation with one of my nurses a couple of weeks ago, where she asked me how many and I told her TWO!! Is there just a lack of communication here or what?!?! Don't get me wrong, I generally love my clinic and all their staff, but this is a big deal to a hormonal woman, laying their naked from the waist down with an uncomfortably full bladder!
The exchange of looks between the RE and embryologist clearly expressed how much they understood this point. It was the look of fear! They immediately went into a whole speech about how in women my age they prefer to transfer 1 and in my case the chances are great because my blastocyst is excellent and there's no reason I shouldn't get pregnant from just the one. They did say however that I could still transfer 2 (I had two more frozen) but I would have to wait for it to thaw, and to top that off it was frozen with the 3rd one so they would have to thaw both of them and then IF the 3rd one made it through the thaw they could try and refreeze it.
It sounded like such a waste to me, to possisbly kill off that third blast just to transfer two this time. So....we transfered the one "excellent" 5 day blastocyst (everything else went super smooth!) and we'll have two more lower quality ones to transfer next time if this doesn't work out. I'm now officially in the 2ww! Beta is Friday the 19th.
So as I'm getting situated on the bed thingy, the nurse mentions the RE's name...What?! That's not my RE, I was told it would be my RE doing the transfer this time! No such luck! Okay, not too big of a deal, it's the same guy who did my last transfer and he's a friend of mine's RE. I can deal with this...
Then my nurse puts up the picture of our little blastocyst.....just one little blastocyst. DH looks at me and is immediately like, "There better be two! We are supposed to be transfering two!" The RE and embryologist come in and say hello and look at the picture of our little guy and tell us how excellent it is and I start interupting telling them there was supposed to be two, we are transfering two today! RE and embryologist look at their charts and say that it states "one or two." What the ??? I had this specific conversation with one of my nurses a couple of weeks ago, where she asked me how many and I told her TWO!! Is there just a lack of communication here or what?!?! Don't get me wrong, I generally love my clinic and all their staff, but this is a big deal to a hormonal woman, laying their naked from the waist down with an uncomfortably full bladder!
The exchange of looks between the RE and embryologist clearly expressed how much they understood this point. It was the look of fear! They immediately went into a whole speech about how in women my age they prefer to transfer 1 and in my case the chances are great because my blastocyst is excellent and there's no reason I shouldn't get pregnant from just the one. They did say however that I could still transfer 2 (I had two more frozen) but I would have to wait for it to thaw, and to top that off it was frozen with the 3rd one so they would have to thaw both of them and then IF the 3rd one made it through the thaw they could try and refreeze it.
It sounded like such a waste to me, to possisbly kill off that third blast just to transfer two this time. So....we transfered the one "excellent" 5 day blastocyst (everything else went super smooth!) and we'll have two more lower quality ones to transfer next time if this doesn't work out. I'm now officially in the 2ww! Beta is Friday the 19th.
Crabby thoughts I had yesterday....
1. It's really much longer than a 2ww. Once you get +HPT ...then you wait for the beta....then you wait for the 2nd beta....then it's the wait for the ultrasound....then it's the wait for the end of the 1st trimester...then you wait for your ultrasound at 20 wks to make sure there's no birth defects....it's the never ending forever wait. I know some of my patients worry the whole pregnancy, but do they really worry as much as any of us would? As much as someone that's dealt with failure after failure? I'm happy that things look good for me with my sister so far...but so scared and anxious for the future. I wish I could just feel the happy. My husband won't even give in to the happy because he doesn't want to "jinx it."
2. My hospital plays a lullaby as patients are transferred from labor and delivery to their postpartum room. It plays all day long. Yesterday, I heard it play and someone say, "Ohhh, that means a baby was just born...awww...so cute!" With sunshine and rainbows flying out of their butt. I don't know why this irritated me, but it did.
3. I hate my uterus. Why is it abnormal? What did I ever do to it? And why can't someone fix it? I love my sister and love that she's doing this for me. I don't know what I'd do without her and this chance she's given us. But I still feel a bit mad at my dumb uterus.
On a good note, there is a hallway in the hospital on the way to one of my offices where they change up the photo/picture displays from time to time (local artists, whatever) and I swear the past year at least this has been the Hallway of Torture. Black & white photos of people and their babies and kids. Well, THEY FINALLY TOOK IT DOWN! Woo hoo!
2. My hospital plays a lullaby as patients are transferred from labor and delivery to their postpartum room. It plays all day long. Yesterday, I heard it play and someone say, "Ohhh, that means a baby was just born...awww...so cute!" With sunshine and rainbows flying out of their butt. I don't know why this irritated me, but it did.
3. I hate my uterus. Why is it abnormal? What did I ever do to it? And why can't someone fix it? I love my sister and love that she's doing this for me. I don't know what I'd do without her and this chance she's given us. But I still feel a bit mad at my dumb uterus.
On a good note, there is a hallway in the hospital on the way to one of my offices where they change up the photo/picture displays from time to time (local artists, whatever) and I swear the past year at least this has been the Hallway of Torture. Black & white photos of people and their babies and kids. Well, THEY FINALLY TOOK IT DOWN! Woo hoo!
Bloated or "Showing"???...I'm confused.
I'm only 6 weeks along and I'm already wearing my first bella-band. Crazy!! I'm guessing that my bloating from stims got worse after my BFP, but I'm not sure.
This is my first, so I can't imagine that I'm already showing, so it's got to be bloating. Either way....I wish I could live in sweats!
This is my first, so I can't imagine that I'm already showing, so it's got to be bloating. Either way....I wish I could live in sweats!
Stupid Sphincter!
Here I sit, at nearly three-thirty in the morning. Being awake at this time of day has become somewhat routine of late, but the not-being-in-bed is new.
My lower esophageal sphincter isn't exactly doing its job. I've had a couple of throw-up-in-my-mouth moments over the last couple of days (intended burps)...and tonight, as I lay in bed listening to the gurgles coming out of my throat and mouth, and felt each burp turn into a rush of burning pain in my esophagus, I decided to bring myself upright. Ah, relief...to an extent.
Thanks, Progesterone! :-D
My lower esophageal sphincter isn't exactly doing its job. I've had a couple of throw-up-in-my-mouth moments over the last couple of days (intended burps)...and tonight, as I lay in bed listening to the gurgles coming out of my throat and mouth, and felt each burp turn into a rush of burning pain in my esophagus, I decided to bring myself upright. Ah, relief...to an extent.
Thanks, Progesterone! :-D
Tuesday, February 9, 2010
Back from MIA!!!
Okay, so I just typed out a long post, went to publish it and it disappeared! Grrr! So here we go again.
I looooove that KB started this blog for all of us but the only downside for me is that I can not post from work, which is where I used to post on FT. That's why you haven't heard from me lately. It's harder for me to find the time to do it when I'm home. I am going to try and keep up with it better than I have this past week though.
To answer you question, KB, from the first post, I think I was banned from FT for calling d@ve a communist b@stard for deleting the confessions thread. Haha
Anyways, I've had one big thing happen since I've been gone. I ran my first 5k this past Saturday!! It was such a huge accomplishment for me!! I can still remember the days when I couldn't run a quarter of a mile without stopping. But Saturday I ran the complete 3.1 miles in 32.59 minutes without stopping!! Wooohooo!! I'm very proud of myself. However, I'm hoping I'll be told I can't run for quite a while...my FET is today (finally)!! In fact, as soon as I'm done posting this I have to get ready to go! We are transfering two good/great (my clinic doesn't have a grading scale, or didn't tell me) quality 5day embies.
I looooove that KB started this blog for all of us but the only downside for me is that I can not post from work, which is where I used to post on FT. That's why you haven't heard from me lately. It's harder for me to find the time to do it when I'm home. I am going to try and keep up with it better than I have this past week though.
To answer you question, KB, from the first post, I think I was banned from FT for calling d@ve a communist b@stard for deleting the confessions thread. Haha
Anyways, I've had one big thing happen since I've been gone. I ran my first 5k this past Saturday!! It was such a huge accomplishment for me!! I can still remember the days when I couldn't run a quarter of a mile without stopping. But Saturday I ran the complete 3.1 miles in 32.59 minutes without stopping!! Wooohooo!! I'm very proud of myself. However, I'm hoping I'll be told I can't run for quite a while...my FET is today (finally)!! In fact, as soon as I'm done posting this I have to get ready to go! We are transfering two good/great (my clinic doesn't have a grading scale, or didn't tell me) quality 5day embies.
Monday, February 8, 2010
I've joined the lone ranger club!
Went into the clinic this morning and the RE came in and told us that all but one embryo had arrested overnight. He did say that it is a perfect one (I don't think my clinic uses the grading scale). We have a 50/50 chance. So now we just wait. Beta is scheduled for 2-16. I can't remember who all had success with only one embryo? We at least made it to a 6dt.
What is "elective", anyways?
Here goes my first blog....enjoy:
Today was a snow day, much to my surprise. I woke up at 8 to about 4 text messages from friends saying "snow day, snow day!!". I wiped the sleep from my eyes and looked outside, and BEHOLD!!! 3 inches of snow!! Wasnt even in the forecast last night at 10 when i checked weather.com. So, I have had a pretty uneventful day. It is currently 7 pm and im still in my pajamas. I basically slept and ate and thats all...but isnt it nice to have a day like that? The only 2 things I accomplished were:
1. changing my account info with dish network
2. getting information about benefits on my AFLAC policies
The dish stuff was no sweat. Other than the fact that my signal has been lost since about 10:30 this morning because of the snow, it was easy-peezy.
The AFLAC was a different story. I signed up for these policies on 04 because of the promise of the agents about how well they pay when you have a child. Several of my friends have received about $6000 at the time of delivery because of their policies. Now I have 2 of them, on top of accident and cancer policies. I have been meaning to call and find out if my hospital/surgical policy would cover my egg retrieval, since it is done under sedation. Of course, the customer service rep has NO clue what an "oocyte retrieval" is...let alone an egg retrieval. I explain it to her several times...her question "Is it elective?".... Well, HELL NO, its not elective!!! Is chemo elective to a cancer patient? Are nsaids elective to an arthritis patient? Are antibiotics elective to someone with an ear infection? NO. NO. NO. I did not choose infertility. It is a disease just like everything else. I didnt ask a doctor to cut me open to enlarge my breasts, or to remove fat. I am a victim to this cruel, debilitating disease. Although it is not life threatening, it is killing me! Or it was killing me.....I guess now I have conquered it. But the scars are still there...and will never go away. I will never forget to be thankful for the gift I have been given. I will never forget the pain and struggle that I went through to get here. It will take time to return to the person I used to be. And there are many more, like me, who battle everyday. Some who fight many years more than I have....and some that will never win the battle. But they fought the good fight......and I promise it's not something anyone would wish on their worst enemy!
Today was a snow day, much to my surprise. I woke up at 8 to about 4 text messages from friends saying "snow day, snow day!!". I wiped the sleep from my eyes and looked outside, and BEHOLD!!! 3 inches of snow!! Wasnt even in the forecast last night at 10 when i checked weather.com. So, I have had a pretty uneventful day. It is currently 7 pm and im still in my pajamas. I basically slept and ate and thats all...but isnt it nice to have a day like that? The only 2 things I accomplished were:
1. changing my account info with dish network
2. getting information about benefits on my AFLAC policies
The dish stuff was no sweat. Other than the fact that my signal has been lost since about 10:30 this morning because of the snow, it was easy-peezy.
The AFLAC was a different story. I signed up for these policies on 04 because of the promise of the agents about how well they pay when you have a child. Several of my friends have received about $6000 at the time of delivery because of their policies. Now I have 2 of them, on top of accident and cancer policies. I have been meaning to call and find out if my hospital/surgical policy would cover my egg retrieval, since it is done under sedation. Of course, the customer service rep has NO clue what an "oocyte retrieval" is...let alone an egg retrieval. I explain it to her several times...her question "Is it elective?".... Well, HELL NO, its not elective!!! Is chemo elective to a cancer patient? Are nsaids elective to an arthritis patient? Are antibiotics elective to someone with an ear infection? NO. NO. NO. I did not choose infertility. It is a disease just like everything else. I didnt ask a doctor to cut me open to enlarge my breasts, or to remove fat. I am a victim to this cruel, debilitating disease. Although it is not life threatening, it is killing me! Or it was killing me.....I guess now I have conquered it. But the scars are still there...and will never go away. I will never forget to be thankful for the gift I have been given. I will never forget the pain and struggle that I went through to get here. It will take time to return to the person I used to be. And there are many more, like me, who battle everyday. Some who fight many years more than I have....and some that will never win the battle. But they fought the good fight......and I promise it's not something anyone would wish on their worst enemy!
HRD Newsflash: First UltraSound Today
I got to see the little, tiny sac on the ultrasound screen today. At only 5w, 3days along...there's not a lot to see, but it was still amazing to see anything other than my enlarged follicles on the screen. Looks like one little baby onboard for us!
We go back on the 20th for our next ultrasound. At that time, we should (are are praying to) see a little, strong heartbeat.
We go back on the 20th for our next ultrasound. At that time, we should (are are praying to) see a little, strong heartbeat.
One Poke or Two?
The doctor said I'd get a second beta if the first one was below 200 (it was above 200.) Anything above that, they'd just see me in 2 weeks for the first ultrasound. Am I the only person getting just one beta? Is this strange...or within the normal range for standard of practice?
Bbchi Newsflash: Here we go again....
1st # 737! Could be 2? Hope not 3! 2nd beta Wednesday then I think we're holding off w/ultrasound till 2/24 because we'll be 6 wks and a few days then and should be able to see heartbeats. I hate that 5+ wk ultrasound where you're not sure if it's really a go or not. Too painful. Although, I may die of the suspense until then. Well, I probably won't actually die. Bit dramatic, I suppose.
I Confess: Dogs & Sneezes
I confess...I'm currently worrying about two silly things: dogs & sneezes.
Last night, my mom's small but heavy-for-his-size dog pounced on my lap and one of his paws landed squarely on what I think was my uterus. It hurt for a few seconds. Did it dislodge the sesame seed?
I've been having crazy-bad allergies for the last 24 hours. I'm sneezing a lot...and quite vigorously, which means lots of intense abdominal muscle contractions. Is the sesame seed now sesame paste?
Last night, my mom's small but heavy-for-his-size dog pounced on my lap and one of his paws landed squarely on what I think was my uterus. It hurt for a few seconds. Did it dislodge the sesame seed?
I've been having crazy-bad allergies for the last 24 hours. I'm sneezing a lot...and quite vigorously, which means lots of intense abdominal muscle contractions. Is the sesame seed now sesame paste?
As If You Care
The little voting boxes have been removed from beneath the posts. They were pretty useless...and they caused problems for one of our girls with an old more "mature" computer. (^_-)
Sunday, February 7, 2010
5dt now moved to a 6dt..
One of the nurses from the clinic called this morning (I was expecting her to tell me what time to come in for my ET) and she said they're moving my ET to tomorrow (6dt). She said the embryos are growing a bit slow, but wouldn't elaborate. Of course, now I'm worried. Do you think my embies could die overnight waiting until tomorrow. Ahhhhh..please tell me why this is happening, everything was going fine! I guess those are the joys of IF, you never know what each day will dump on you.
Status
How do we update the status on the left column?
All my embryos were chromosomally fucked up, nothing to transfer today.
super.shitty.day.
All my embryos were chromosomally fucked up, nothing to transfer today.
super.shitty.day.
Please take a look at my blog
Take a look into my pee stick and tell me what you see!! Please tell me I'm not imagining things. Click on the photos for a better look. I'm 8dp3dt
Fearlessly Infertile
Fearlessly Infertile
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