I Confess: Progesterone-Fueled Breakouts

Alright...I've been keeping my mouth shut on this subject, but this is getting ridiculous!  I've got zits in places I've never had them before.  Nothing seems to help.  It disgusts me.  My forehead, neck, chest, back.  Grrrooosssss.  Any magic potions you can recommend?  I wish I could get in the tub and soak in some hot water while my face steams...but nooooooo.  My frustration is building....

I'm so fed up with EVERYONE!!!

I was just talking with my mom (her and my sis in-law are very close) So much so that at times I tend to be a little jealous. Anyways, she tells me to just be happy for her. I told her that nobody knows how it feels to have someone continuously chatting to you about trying to have a baby and the problems they are having and then compare it to you like its the same thing when its NOT. I told her that they will never know how I feel or go through everyday of my life. Her response..Well your not going through it right now...WTF No mom my infertility only exists when I'm going through the many different treatments, my pain only exists when I'm doing IVF or having surgery. Didn't realize it was something that I could just put on the back burner until the next time I start to poke myself...Is this the idiot speech day or something??

My sis in-law is an IDIOT!!!

ok so I know I've said this before but she really gets on my last nerve. I think I've told you all but shes trying really hard to have her 3rd child but having some problems. First the doctor thought it could be endometriosis so they tested her for it. Anyways, first thing this morning she calls me saying her tests were ok but that her uterus lining is at 18mm. She's like "OMG the doctor thought there could be a baby in there, I really hope so because we want a big family" Then she's giggling and saying how she knows what I'm going through and she already has her 2 kids and that she's been feeling her nipples to see if they are getting bigger. ARE YOU F******* kidding me, she has NO idea what I'm going through. Like she said she has 2, I have NONE and have been dealing with this alot longer than she has. Try poking yourself day and night for 2 months, taking all different kinds of meds that make you go nuts, sticking a suppository up your vava and having to deal with the mess it causes, try spreading your legs wide open to everyone and thier mother while their sticking weird things up pushing and pulling, try being sent for numerous surgeries only to have them tell you something else is wrong, try going to see nurses and doctors almost everyday for over a year just to tell you your a failure. After that then you can tell me you know how I feel ARGHHHH I'm getting sick of hearing about other people problems when I have my own. Don't friggin tell me anything about you trying to get pregnant, nothing about what they THINK you may or may not have, just keep that CRAP to yourself. Once your pregnant them tell me and I will deal with it. I'm sick of being a support group for IDIOTS!!!

Damn Symptoms..

Cramps or no cramps.. I don't know what makes me feel better. I was cramping a bit yesterday and feeling all excited (maybe implantation?!). Then I was laying in bed last night for what seemed like forever because I couldn't shut my mind off, and what I finally figured out is that in a normal cycle I would be getting my period about now, so the cramps are probably my body wanting to start my period, but good ol' IM progesterone isn't allowing it. Damn it. I'm 3dp6dt. Now I don't know HOW I want to feel.

Then, I was so furious yesterday because I got a bill from the hospital for an ultrasound at the beginning of stims when my RE let me do them in my hometown. I usually go to my OB for the first 3, but this one fell on a Saturday and he was going to be gone for the weekend. So I went into the hospital and the on call ultrasound tech came in. First off, she was very rude. She told me she wanted to start abdominally and I told her we always do them vaginally and the time the other ultrasound place in town tried it abdominally she couldn't see anything and I got charged for both, blah, blah, blah.. But what do I know?! She said since she's never scanned me before she was gonna try it abdominally. Well (obviously) we ended up transvaginally. After already being irritated that she wouldn't listen to me, the ultrasound took 40 MINUTES!! And..to top it off.. she wouldn't let me see the screen. So I'm staring at the ceiling, legs wide, wondering when it's gonna be over.. She didn't even talk to me the entire time. So, anyway, the point I'm getting at is I got the bill today and it's $594!!! They DID charge me for both. I'm calling today because I'm so pissed off. My OB charges me like $130. This is bullshit!!!

Anyway, thanks for listening. The things I think of at night when I can't fall asleep..

ET didn't go quite as planned...

I had my FET yesterday after what seemed like an eternity of waiting around for it! I went into it feeling pretty optimistic. However there was a big turn of events! Why does that always happen when we are least expecting it? And why wasn't I expecting it? It seems like after everything we go through we should expect something to go wrong with everything.. Uugh!

So as I'm getting situated on the bed thingy, the nurse mentions the RE's name...What?! That's not my RE, I was told it would be my RE doing the transfer this time! No such luck! Okay, not too big of a deal, it's the same guy who did my last transfer and he's a friend of mine's RE. I can deal with this...

Then my nurse puts up the picture of our little blastocyst.....just one little blastocyst. DH looks at me and is immediately like, "There better be two! We are supposed to be transfering two!" The RE and embryologist come in and say hello and look at the picture of our little guy and tell us how excellent it is and I start interupting telling them there was supposed to be two, we are transfering two today! RE and embryologist look at their charts and say that it states "one or two." What the ??? I had this specific conversation with one of my nurses a couple of weeks ago, where she asked me how many and I told her TWO!! Is there just a lack of communication here or what?!?! Don't get me wrong, I generally love my clinic and all their staff, but this is a big deal to a hormonal woman, laying their naked from the waist down with an uncomfortably full bladder!

The exchange of looks between the RE and embryologist clearly expressed how much they understood this point. It was the look of fear! They immediately went into a whole speech about how in women my age they prefer to transfer 1 and in my case the chances are great because my blastocyst is excellent and there's no reason I shouldn't get pregnant from just the one. They did say however that I could still transfer 2 (I had two more frozen) but I would have to wait for it to thaw, and to top that off it was frozen with the 3rd one so they would have to thaw both of them and then IF the 3rd one made it through the thaw they could try and refreeze it.

It sounded like such a waste to me, to possisbly kill off that third blast just to transfer two this time. So....we transfered the one "excellent" 5 day blastocyst (everything else went super smooth!) and we'll have two more lower quality ones to transfer next time if this doesn't work out. I'm now officially in the 2ww! Beta is Friday the 19th.

Crabby thoughts I had yesterday....

1. It's really much longer than a 2ww. Once you get +HPT ...then you wait for the beta....then you wait for the 2nd beta....then it's the wait for the ultrasound....then it's the wait for the end of the 1st trimester...then you wait for your ultrasound at 20 wks to make sure there's no birth defects....it's the never ending forever wait. I know some of my patients worry the whole pregnancy, but do they really worry as much as any of us would? As much as someone that's dealt with failure after failure? I'm happy that things look good for me with my sister so far...but so scared and anxious for the future. I wish I could just feel the happy. My husband won't even give in to the happy because he doesn't want to "jinx it."

2. My hospital plays a lullaby as patients are transferred from labor and delivery to their postpartum room. It plays all day long. Yesterday, I heard it play and someone say, "Ohhh, that means a baby was just born...awww...so cute!" With sunshine and rainbows flying out of their butt. I don't know why this irritated me, but it did.

3. I hate my uterus. Why is it abnormal? What did I ever do to it? And why can't someone fix it? I love my sister and love that she's doing this for me. I don't know what I'd do without her and this chance she's given us. But I still feel a bit mad at my dumb uterus.

On a good note, there is a hallway in the hospital on the way to one of my offices where they change up the photo/picture displays from time to time (local artists, whatever) and I swear the past year at least this has been the Hallway of Torture. Black & white photos of people and their babies and kids. Well, THEY FINALLY TOOK IT DOWN! Woo hoo!

Stupid Sphincter!

Here I sit, at nearly three-thirty in the morning.  Being awake at this time of day has become somewhat routine of late, but the not-being-in-bed is new.

My lower esophageal sphincter isn't exactly doing its job.  I've had a couple of throw-up-in-my-mouth moments over the last couple of days (intended burps)...and tonight, as I lay in bed listening to the gurgles coming out of my throat and mouth, and felt each burp turn into a rush of burning pain in my esophagus, I decided to bring myself upright.  Ah, relief...to an extent.

Thanks, Progesterone! :-D

What is "elective", anyways?

Here goes my first blog....enjoy:

Today was a snow day, much to my surprise. I woke up at 8 to about 4 text messages from friends saying "snow day, snow day!!". I wiped the sleep from my eyes and looked outside, and BEHOLD!!! 3 inches of snow!! Wasnt even in the forecast last night at 10 when i checked weather.com. So, I have had a pretty uneventful day. It is currently 7 pm and im still in my pajamas. I basically slept and ate and thats all...but isnt it nice to have a day like that? The only 2 things I accomplished were:
1. changing my account info with dish network
2. getting information about benefits on my AFLAC policies
The dish stuff was no sweat. Other than the fact that my signal has been lost since about 10:30 this morning because of the snow, it was easy-peezy.
The AFLAC was a different story. I signed up for these policies on 04 because of the promise of the agents about how well they pay when you have a child. Several of my friends have received about $6000 at the time of delivery because of their policies. Now I have 2 of them, on top of accident and cancer policies. I have been meaning to call and find out if my hospital/surgical policy would cover my egg retrieval, since it is done under sedation. Of course, the customer service rep has NO clue what an "oocyte retrieval" is...let alone an egg retrieval. I explain it to her several times...her question "Is it elective?".... Well, HELL NO, its not elective!!! Is chemo elective to a cancer patient? Are nsaids elective to an arthritis patient? Are antibiotics elective to someone with an ear infection? NO. NO. NO. I did not choose infertility. It is a disease just like everything else. I didnt ask a doctor to cut me open to enlarge my breasts, or to remove fat. I am a victim to this cruel, debilitating disease. Although it is not life threatening, it is killing me! Or it was killing me.....I guess now I have conquered it. But the scars are still there...and will never go away. I will never forget to be thankful for the gift I have been given. I will never forget the pain and struggle that I went through to get here. It will take time to return to the person I used to be. And there are many more, like me, who battle everyday. Some who fight many years more than I have....and some that will never win the battle. But they fought the good fight......and I promise it's not something anyone would wish on their worst enemy!

Patients I have met (a.k.a. ho-bags you may know)....

These are seriously people I have encountered. I really applaud whoever made these.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LBg1BBKZ5go

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zqmfeAQOCQo