I have a confression... *gulp*

I have been reluctant to post this for about 2 months now, but since there is a air-date involved, I thought I'd share some exciting news.
As some of you know, I have been through hell and back with TTC. I have been TTC for 4 years, have been through 2 fresh and 2 frozen cycles, 2 IUIs and have had 2 losses. I have been moved beyond words by not only my experience, but by those I have met that have been through so much to try to have a baby.

Last year, while working with a documentary production company, I brought them the idea of doing an Infertility documentary. We started filming me as I was cycling and decided to put the film on pause as it was way too difficult for me to be on both sides of the camera and it was that much more emotionally challenging to be filmed while I was going through all the madness.

I know deep within my soul and heart that being an advocate for infertility awareness and support is what I feel most passionate about and I will do whatevver it takes to make our voices heard.

I will even film a personal segment for The Today Show that will air on Friday, April 2nd!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I am freaking out a little bit as I am worried about saying too much or not enough. I worry that I didn't represent our plight to be heard or that they will edit out the strong points I tried to make. I am also freaking out a bit about being on national TV and exposing myself and my husband.

I do know that I am doing this for my baby Sprout (passed 5/17/08) and for all of us that are living through a very difficult and challenging process to become moms.
Anyways, if you watch the Today Show, you just may see me trying to shine a little light on an otherwise dark and painful reality of our lives.

Yikes!!!!
Oh and I promise I didn't fart any rainbows....

Finding my tribe... way out in the blog~o~sphere!

I am newly added to this blog, but not newly infertile. I have been at this now for just about 4 years... my IF resume reads:
2 IUIs
2 Fresh IVFs
2 Frozen IVFs
2 losses
3 Fertility offices
and 4 IVF Doctors

I am a veteran and I'm not so proud of it, but I am proud of the strength I have found that gets me up and out of bed everyday and the smile I always seem to crack when I see my husband or my ability to still laugh at things that are funny. Besides that, I feel like a shell of a person, and yes, isolated from the rest of the world.

All this will hopefully be coming to an end and a new page will be turned in this saga. Hopefully a new character (or two) will emerge and the heroine and hero will have their day in the sun.

I am getting ready to do some more immunological testing - more specifically I am being tested for implantation issues. Finally I found a Dr at SIRM / Sher Institute that will not only listen to me, but also do tests that my other idiot Drs felt were "out there." Do I dare say I am hopeful....?

We have 3 frosties and once my tests come back and we see what's-what, I will begin another FET this Spring... gulp!

I am grateful to be a part of this amazing blog! Writing has kept me somewhat sane over the last few years and am so happy to have found a safe and supportive place to share my emotional guts - without being "kicked out!"

I look forward to reading all of the posts and more importantly I look forward to knowing all of you forever and ever.

Oh and if any of you live in or near NYC.... let's go get some lunch!!

A Response to "When is it over?" by Jes

I gave myself a lot of deadlines, *sigh*...

I don't know the answer.  I don't know if there is an answer.  Part of me can't believe that I'm 35 and childless...no, all of me can't believe it.  This wasn't supposed to be my life.  And even though my HPT and Beta were positive...I still can't really believe this is going to happen for me.  Maybe if I'd only tried for a few years...but after more than 7 (even though it was just the natural way) it seems completely, totally, entirely out of my reach.

I had it all planned out, too.  The age at which I'd be married, the age at which we'd start having children (and the age at which we'd be done.)  I can't believe I'm so far off track...35 years of my life are behind me and the thing I thought would be my life's work (raising a family) hasn't even started yet.

And now...I worry that I've lost the ability to be happy.  I've done such a good job at shutting down, at not letting things get to me...even the +HPT couldn't elicit an emotional response.  Everyone at the doctor's office was so excited for me, why couldn't I be excited for myself?  Because, it's early!  Because I know all the things that can/may still go wrong that will cause this to be even worse than just a regular unsuccessful cycle.  I still feel like a failure...I'm still angry that this may never happen for me (and if it does, I had to go through a huge load of shit to get it.)

So yeah...I have no answers for you, Jes.  My guess is that you're not done...you're just feeling extremely emotional right now and that once you get it out of your system (like that ever happens) you'll be ready to go again.

But there does have to be a stopping point, doesn't there?  When you're broke?  When you're broken?  When did that ever stop any of us?

When is it over?

So, I've been having this conversation in my head for a couple of weeks now, and I need to get it out there.
When do I say 'Enough'?
How do I decide if this quest for a child is over?
What is down the other fork in the road...the one w/out kids?

I am a big planner - college, good job, husband, family, grandkids, etc...all planned out. Well, you girls all know how that goes. I'm feeling lost without a plan right now.
So, I had a major breakdown on Sunday night - partially alcohol induced from the Super Bowl party, but that's beside the point - I WAS do for a breakdown.
I just don't know if I can continue on. I don't know if I have it in me to try again, and if I don't, then what??? What's my new plan? Quit the stable job I only took because of benefits and track down my 'dream job', or quit it all and travel the world? Do we sell everything and move to a new city? This is what runs through my head all the time!
I guess I feel like if I give up my journey for a child, then I better fill that hole with something...anything. I can't imagine just trudging through my days as is, w/ out SOME quest.

So, I know that we have so many wonderful BFP's in out group right now, and I am so thrilled for you, but regardless, I think that at one time or another, most of you have had a similar conversation with yourselves.
How do you deal with it? Did you give yourself a 'deadline'? When is the quest over for you?
Sorry to be the 'downer' post, but I value you all so much, and there is no one else that can understand this.

I'm so fed up with EVERYONE!!!

I was just talking with my mom (her and my sis in-law are very close) So much so that at times I tend to be a little jealous. Anyways, she tells me to just be happy for her. I told her that nobody knows how it feels to have someone continuously chatting to you about trying to have a baby and the problems they are having and then compare it to you like its the same thing when its NOT. I told her that they will never know how I feel or go through everyday of my life. Her response..Well your not going through it right now...WTF No mom my infertility only exists when I'm going through the many different treatments, my pain only exists when I'm doing IVF or having surgery. Didn't realize it was something that I could just put on the back burner until the next time I start to poke myself...Is this the idiot speech day or something??

Damn Symptoms..

Cramps or no cramps.. I don't know what makes me feel better. I was cramping a bit yesterday and feeling all excited (maybe implantation?!). Then I was laying in bed last night for what seemed like forever because I couldn't shut my mind off, and what I finally figured out is that in a normal cycle I would be getting my period about now, so the cramps are probably my body wanting to start my period, but good ol' IM progesterone isn't allowing it. Damn it. I'm 3dp6dt. Now I don't know HOW I want to feel.

Then, I was so furious yesterday because I got a bill from the hospital for an ultrasound at the beginning of stims when my RE let me do them in my hometown. I usually go to my OB for the first 3, but this one fell on a Saturday and he was going to be gone for the weekend. So I went into the hospital and the on call ultrasound tech came in. First off, she was very rude. She told me she wanted to start abdominally and I told her we always do them vaginally and the time the other ultrasound place in town tried it abdominally she couldn't see anything and I got charged for both, blah, blah, blah.. But what do I know?! She said since she's never scanned me before she was gonna try it abdominally. Well (obviously) we ended up transvaginally. After already being irritated that she wouldn't listen to me, the ultrasound took 40 MINUTES!! And..to top it off.. she wouldn't let me see the screen. So I'm staring at the ceiling, legs wide, wondering when it's gonna be over.. She didn't even talk to me the entire time. So, anyway, the point I'm getting at is I got the bill today and it's $594!!! They DID charge me for both. I'm calling today because I'm so pissed off. My OB charges me like $130. This is bullshit!!!

Anyway, thanks for listening. The things I think of at night when I can't fall asleep..

How long does Pregnyl (booster injection) last in your system?

Hey girls,

Can anyone tell me how long Pregnyl lasts in your system? We call it Pregnyl in Aus but I know you guys use a different name. Its the one that you trigger with and then have booster shots of post ET?

When can you do a HPT reliably after an injection?

ET didn't go quite as planned...

I had my FET yesterday after what seemed like an eternity of waiting around for it! I went into it feeling pretty optimistic. However there was a big turn of events! Why does that always happen when we are least expecting it? And why wasn't I expecting it? It seems like after everything we go through we should expect something to go wrong with everything.. Uugh!

So as I'm getting situated on the bed thingy, the nurse mentions the RE's name...What?! That's not my RE, I was told it would be my RE doing the transfer this time! No such luck! Okay, not too big of a deal, it's the same guy who did my last transfer and he's a friend of mine's RE. I can deal with this...

Then my nurse puts up the picture of our little blastocyst.....just one little blastocyst. DH looks at me and is immediately like, "There better be two! We are supposed to be transfering two!" The RE and embryologist come in and say hello and look at the picture of our little guy and tell us how excellent it is and I start interupting telling them there was supposed to be two, we are transfering two today! RE and embryologist look at their charts and say that it states "one or two." What the ??? I had this specific conversation with one of my nurses a couple of weeks ago, where she asked me how many and I told her TWO!! Is there just a lack of communication here or what?!?! Don't get me wrong, I generally love my clinic and all their staff, but this is a big deal to a hormonal woman, laying their naked from the waist down with an uncomfortably full bladder!

The exchange of looks between the RE and embryologist clearly expressed how much they understood this point. It was the look of fear! They immediately went into a whole speech about how in women my age they prefer to transfer 1 and in my case the chances are great because my blastocyst is excellent and there's no reason I shouldn't get pregnant from just the one. They did say however that I could still transfer 2 (I had two more frozen) but I would have to wait for it to thaw, and to top that off it was frozen with the 3rd one so they would have to thaw both of them and then IF the 3rd one made it through the thaw they could try and refreeze it.

It sounded like such a waste to me, to possisbly kill off that third blast just to transfer two this time. So....we transfered the one "excellent" 5 day blastocyst (everything else went super smooth!) and we'll have two more lower quality ones to transfer next time if this doesn't work out. I'm now officially in the 2ww! Beta is Friday the 19th.

Bloated or "Showing"???...I'm confused.

I'm only 6 weeks along and I'm already wearing my first bella-band. Crazy!! I'm guessing that my bloating from stims got worse after my BFP, but I'm not sure.

This is my first, so I can't imagine that I'm already showing, so it's got to be bloating. Either way....I wish I could live in sweats!

Back from MIA!!!

Okay, so I just typed out a long post, went to publish it and it disappeared! Grrr! So here we go again.

I looooove that KB started this blog for all of us but the only downside for me is that I can not post from work, which is where I used to post on FT. That's why you haven't heard from me lately. It's harder for me to find the time to do it when I'm home. I am going to try and keep up with it better than I have this past week though.

To answer you question, KB, from the first post, I think I was banned from FT for calling d@ve a communist b@stard for deleting the confessions thread. Haha

Anyways, I've had one big thing happen since I've been gone. I ran my first 5k this past Saturday!! It was such a huge accomplishment for me!! I can still remember the days when I couldn't run a quarter of a mile without stopping. But Saturday I ran the complete 3.1 miles in 32.59 minutes without stopping!! Wooohooo!! I'm very proud of myself. However, I'm hoping I'll be told I can't run for quite a while...my FET is today (finally)!! In fact, as soon as I'm done posting this I have to get ready to go! We are transfering two good/great (my clinic doesn't have a grading scale, or didn't tell me) quality 5day embies.

I've joined the lone ranger club!

Went into the clinic this morning and the RE came in and told us that all but one embryo had arrested overnight. He did say that it is a perfect one (I don't think my clinic uses the grading scale). We have a 50/50 chance. So now we just wait. Beta is scheduled for 2-16. I can't remember who all had success with only one embryo? We at least made it to a 6dt.

What is "elective", anyways?

Here goes my first blog....enjoy:

Today was a snow day, much to my surprise. I woke up at 8 to about 4 text messages from friends saying "snow day, snow day!!". I wiped the sleep from my eyes and looked outside, and BEHOLD!!! 3 inches of snow!! Wasnt even in the forecast last night at 10 when i checked weather.com. So, I have had a pretty uneventful day. It is currently 7 pm and im still in my pajamas. I basically slept and ate and thats all...but isnt it nice to have a day like that? The only 2 things I accomplished were:
1. changing my account info with dish network
2. getting information about benefits on my AFLAC policies
The dish stuff was no sweat. Other than the fact that my signal has been lost since about 10:30 this morning because of the snow, it was easy-peezy.
The AFLAC was a different story. I signed up for these policies on 04 because of the promise of the agents about how well they pay when you have a child. Several of my friends have received about $6000 at the time of delivery because of their policies. Now I have 2 of them, on top of accident and cancer policies. I have been meaning to call and find out if my hospital/surgical policy would cover my egg retrieval, since it is done under sedation. Of course, the customer service rep has NO clue what an "oocyte retrieval" is...let alone an egg retrieval. I explain it to her several times...her question "Is it elective?".... Well, HELL NO, its not elective!!! Is chemo elective to a cancer patient? Are nsaids elective to an arthritis patient? Are antibiotics elective to someone with an ear infection? NO. NO. NO. I did not choose infertility. It is a disease just like everything else. I didnt ask a doctor to cut me open to enlarge my breasts, or to remove fat. I am a victim to this cruel, debilitating disease. Although it is not life threatening, it is killing me! Or it was killing me.....I guess now I have conquered it. But the scars are still there...and will never go away. I will never forget to be thankful for the gift I have been given. I will never forget the pain and struggle that I went through to get here. It will take time to return to the person I used to be. And there are many more, like me, who battle everyday. Some who fight many years more than I have....and some that will never win the battle. But they fought the good fight......and I promise it's not something anyone would wish on their worst enemy!

One Poke or Two?

The doctor said I'd get a second beta if the first one was below 200 (it was above 200.)  Anything above that, they'd just see me in 2 weeks for the first ultrasound.  Am I the only person getting just one beta?  Is this strange...or within the normal range for standard of practice?

I Confess: Dogs & Sneezes

I confess...I'm currently worrying about two silly things: dogs & sneezes.

Last night, my mom's small but heavy-for-his-size dog pounced on my lap and one of his paws landed squarely on what I think was my uterus.  It hurt for a few seconds.  Did it dislodge the sesame seed?

I've been having crazy-bad allergies for the last 24 hours.  I'm sneezing a lot...and quite vigorously, which means lots of intense abdominal muscle contractions.  Is the sesame seed now sesame paste?

Original Confessions

Once upon a time, on another website, there was an epic thread called "Confessions." This thread was a haven for practical, realistic, sharp-witted girls who got sick of the unicorn-riding, rainbow-kissing, "babydust"-spewing nitwits on nearly every other IVF forum/thread in existence. It is rumored that these women were the descendants of an ancient tribe of infertility warriors called "IVF Veterans." Both groups of women were attacked by a vicious monster, wielding the powerful Club of Censorship. For a time, the women dispersed...many presumed them dead. Their collective strength could not be denied and they soon reconvened...with a wit more biting, a resolve more steadfast, and a powerful weapon of their own: Freedom of Speech!

Calling all JJJAs, Confessions Girls, and FT Rejects!:

MangoPuppy - Found
GoldeLox07 - Found
HolmesHX2 - Found
Ravenswood419 - Found
MrsEshaw - Found
LAP (aka Baroness von Utero) - Found
rie1051 - Found
bbchi - Found
oli - Found
Kiellara - Found
Beka05 - Found
Pemmie - Found
Kelsey00 - Found
barren-bipolar - Found
HRD - Found
summerdays - Found
demold - Found
BabytoB - Found
Momsie - Found
JPS23 - Found
Jes - Found
cvpis4me - Found
Kindhiker - Found
deanandkrissy- Found
bobbiesuehicks- Found
smittygirl- Found
curiousme - Found
hope2bpregnant - Found 
BabyWarrior - Found
...and anyone else I've forgotten

We welcome any new girls who think they might fit in with our rebellious and "scarcastic" ways!