I gave myself a lot of deadlines, *sigh*...
I don't know the answer. I don't know if there is an answer. Part of me can't believe that I'm 35 and childless...no, all of me can't believe it. This wasn't supposed to be my life. And even though my HPT and Beta were positive...I still can't really believe this is going to happen for me. Maybe if I'd only tried for a few years...but after more than 7 (even though it was just the natural way) it seems completely, totally, entirely out of my reach.
I had it all planned out, too. The age at which I'd be married, the age at which we'd start having children (and the age at which we'd be done.) I can't believe I'm so far off track...35 years of my life are behind me and the thing I thought would be my life's work (raising a family) hasn't even started yet.
And now...I worry that I've lost the ability to be happy. I've done such a good job at shutting down, at not letting things get to me...even the +HPT couldn't elicit an emotional response. Everyone at the doctor's office was so excited for me, why couldn't I be excited for myself? Because, it's early! Because I know all the things that can/may still go wrong that will cause this to be even worse than just a regular unsuccessful cycle. I still feel like a failure...I'm still angry that this may never happen for me (and if it does, I had to go through a huge load of shit to get it.)
So yeah...I have no answers for you, Jes. My guess is that you're not done...you're just feeling extremely emotional right now and that once you get it out of your system (like that ever happens) you'll be ready to go again.
But there does have to be a stopping point, doesn't there? When you're broke? When you're broken? When did that ever stop any of us?
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Well said KB!!
ReplyDeleteWe can all say that enough is enough but there's always that "what if" that pushes us to try try & try again. Like I said the worries never stop even when you get the BFP, in the back of our minds we are always thinking about the negative things that can go wrong which outweighs the good which allow us to be excited!!
KB- 'broke and broken', a battle cry for IF.
ReplyDeleteI think one of the hardest parts about this is the loss of our old self, and the feeling that the ability to be truly happy is out of our reach. Like you said, even with great news, you have to keep your shield up. We will never allow ourselves the pure bliss that some pg women let themselves feel, if we did, the pain of loss might be greater than even WE can imagine.
Well, I don't have the answer either...but I do have you girls.
Well said KB and Jes. So, SO true. Every word.
ReplyDeleteI totally feel the fear of losing the ability to be happy. I am happy, but not how i thought i would be. I dont want to shout it from the hills. Im too scared. And since im sending out song requests today-please try this one. Hello world by Lady Antebellum.
ReplyDeleteSame here girls...docs were happy, family was happy, the few friends that know were happy...me...no emotions at BFP and even now...at 10 weeks pregnant...there is still nothing but fear. Saw a doctor today for some issues a perinatologist and once again there is a risk here...there is a risk there. When is all this going to end, I am 34 and I feel like I have burrid my life under all this stress and pain.
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