One of my BFFs from high school was a guy. Let's call him Guy. We had hung out with the same group of friends in high school, and clicked pretty much right away, purely platonically. We were part of each other's families -- my mom loved him, his mom loved me. We would talk all the time, and go for lunch / dinner / coffee / errands together throughout college, grad school, and beyond. Guy and I saw each other through, vented, and gave advice about our respective boyfriends and girlfriends. We were there for each other through the break-ups. We were there for each other through deaths in the family. And when we'd go to nightclubs or parties, I'd be his wing-lady and he'd be my wing-man. Basically, we were the brother / sister each never had.
So it wasn't surprising that we met our future spouses at about the same time, got engaged within a month of each other, and got married within weeks of each other. It was so cool to have someone to share that experience with, and to get the opposite sex's perspective on the milestones. I LOVED his wife, and he and my husband became fast buddies. Now we'd hang out as couples all the time, and even planned to one day go on vacation all together.
So you can imagine my shock -- and truthfully, anger -- when almost a year into their marriage, I found out randomly, through the grapevine, that Guy's wife was 5 months pregnant. I felt betrayed -- I thought we were soooo close, why would he not share this important news with me? So I called him and confronted him, and got salt poured into the wound: he had invited several friends over to his home a couple months before for an announcement dinner. OUCH. It was disputed whether I had been invited or not to the announcement dinner, but I COULD. NOT. BELIEVE. that he didn't call me the next day and say "Hey, I wish you were there yesterday, we had some pretty big news to tell..." And what made it worse was that all these months, his wife and I were talking / emailing, and wasn't she wondering why I never bothered congratulating her on her pregnancy? She must've been so hurt and insulted!
Graciously, a couple months later, she invited me to her baby shower. I never got an apology from Guy, and so I was still very very hurt. This was one of my best, closest friends of 12 years that didn't think enough of me to tell me he was having his first child! So I politely declined the invitation, and didn't even send a gift. I think that was the nail in the coffin, because we pretty much stopped speaking after that, and I would only hear about his baby's birth, and of baby #2, through our mutual friends.
We run into each other every once in a while, and are polite and friendly with each other when we are in the same room. We've both been married for 4 years now -- they have 2 kids (and probably a 3rd cooking by now), while I have 0 to my credit. I can't help thinking every time we are together that Guy and his wife probably think I was mad and cut off our friendship because I resented that conception and pregnancy came to them so easily, while my husband and I had to try so hard. It wasn't true at the time -- because my husband and I did not start trying till over a year later. But it is true now.
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Mango,
ReplyDeletesorry to read this. It sucks this friendship ended. blame it on the infertility demon (again).
But really, I think you should write Guy a letter and tell him that it did you more harm than good by holding the pregnancy announcement.
I'm sure that's why he didn't tell you. And Guy is a guy, so we have to cut him some plain old 'poor judgment' slack.
:(
I think Shaw's right. If you are still this hurt over the situation you should either write him a letter or go out to coffee and explain things. I'm sure they are probably thinking that you are holding a grudge.. But if it means this much to you (which it obviously does otherwise you wouldn't be telling us about it) then let him know and try to rekindle your friendship.
ReplyDeleteI hate IF.. it dampers so many things and ruins so many aspects of life. I hope you can talk to him and get your friendship back together.
So I'm not even sure this is totally IF related. I think it's a communication thing. (you were mad that he didn't tell you about pregnancy and then maybe they're mad you didn't come to shower?)
ReplyDeleteBut also, we sort of lose friends/decrease the closeness of our friendships in each phase of our life. First we're in the single phase and the marrieds stay away from us. Then you're married and you're more w/the marrieds, less w/the singles but then the married people that have kids stay away from you. Or you stay away from them or both. We seem to try to stick to people that are in the same phase. Which is crap really. What if I never have kids. How will I ever fit in with those that do, really. I can go out whenever I want. They can't. They have things in commmon and things to talk about w/people that have kids, not w/me so much anymore. I hate sometimes being w/a group of moms. Hearing them talk about their nannies and crap. Sure, some of that is IF related, but some is just I don't care about that yet.
Anyway, I think if you miss him and maybe even her, I would reach out. Send a letter, call and ask to have a drink or dinner or whatever to catch up and mention that you're saddened by the fall out. See how it goes. You may be pleasantly surprised and happy w/the result.
I agree with what everyone else is saying. If it means so much to you and obviously you guys were the best of friends, maybe it's worth it to talk with him and let him know how hurt you were over the whole ordeal. Maybe he didn't realize how important it was to you to be there and like you said he's a GUY, we all know they need special instructions!!
ReplyDeleteGood luck Hun!
BBChi had it right -- it was not IF related at the time -- just friendship related, like "hey friend, you did something really effed-up and it really hurt me." Then I did something that really hurt them by not going to the shower. IF wasn't an issue -- we'd only been married like 9 months and didn't start trying till a year later.
ReplyDeleteHowever, my point was that even without that whole announcement fiasco and the non-apology that followed, I can't honestly say that our friendship wouldn't be weird right now. They are in a different phase of life, and after all this time, doctors, and best efforts, I still can't be in that phase. And can't bear the questions that would inevitably come up if we sat down for drinks / coffee. Maybe if / when we have kids it would be easier.
What a sad story. I think you need to do whatever it is that you feel most comfortable with, even if that means doing nothing. (You do *not* need more stress in your life right now.) Why should you be the one to initiate the repairing of your friendship? Even if he thinks you suck for skipping the baby shower (which you don't), he's the one who messed up first. And even if he wasn't, if the friendship was equally as meaningful to him, why hasn't he made some effort to get it back? I'm not saying he should be punished, but a little reciprocation (or initiation) on his part would indicate that the relationship was worth trying to revive.
ReplyDeleteAdd the IF factor into the mix, and things get really complicated. I certainly have relationships (family and friend) that will never be the same because of it...it can't be helped.
That's so true BB- When you go through IF, it can really affect relationships around you. I also feel that we sometimes use these excuses to make ourselves feel better for shuting these people out, only because the pain is just to unbearable to have them around. Like I told my hubby, I'm fine if it's just him and I in the end. Atleast we won't have to explain this crap to anyone else!!
ReplyDelete*KB*
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