Where do I go from here?

My first blog post ever and not the topic I wish it was about.

Jes and KB, your posts were so timely for me.

At almost 44, with 6 failed IVF cycles, is it time to stop? Can I put myself through another cycle? Don’t they say that the definition of stupidity is doing the same things over and over and expecting different results. How many times will it take to get through to me? I keep thinking that I just need that one good month. With IVF odds below 10% for my age, it is a huge gamble…..but people do get pregnant and have IVF success at my age….just very few of them…and not me. And what if November was my “good month”? I transferred one normal (or ½ normal as we tested ½ the chromosomes) and it still didn’t work. What if that was it? Was that my golden ticket? If I don’t stop at 6, when would be the right point…8…10…12? Is my head really that hard? Could my heart take it? Am I truly fucking up my body and is the effect of all these hormones going to mess up the rest of my life?

How do I give up on my eggs? How do I become okay with the thought that my family’s wonderful qualities won’t get passed on genetically to my child? Can I get over my concerns with using a donor egg? Can I get past the idea that I’m paying someone to go through all the shit of injections just so I can have a baby? Can I come to grips with the idea that I’m “designing” a baby by using both donor sperm and donor eggs? Am I really that desperate? I’m beginning to think yes. And what if that fails also? Wouldn’t that just be my luck?

My brother told me that he would be totally supportive of me using donor eggs. He and his wife have been my sounding boards through this as they went through 6 rounds of IVF. After 3, they became pregnant, but their daughter was born prematurely and only lived 10 days. After 3 more, they had my gorgeous niece who is now 2 ½ and I dote on. But it is so much easier to tell someone else to move to donor eggs than to do it yourself.

Jes, I too am a planner. I don’t know what I’m going to do if I don’t get to be a mom. Nothing, no quest, looks as good to me for the next 20 years of my life. I don’t want to be stuck in my same life. I have a great condo, great job, and wonderful and supportive family and friends…but I am alone and I want so much more than going through my life only as me. I want to be able to give all the love inside me to a child and a husband….but both have eluded me.

When I saw the cover of People magazine in the airport this week with Celine Dion’s IVF heartbreak on the cover, my first thought was “only 4 failures?” Not that I want any of us to go through this gut wrenching experience with that many negatives, but with 6 negatives I don’t see anybody writing up my heartbreak in a magazine. And she had her son on her very first IVF…so it is hard for me to feel too sad for her. Who knew this infertility stuff would turn me into a bitter unsympathetic person?

KB, Yeah, my face look like shit this whole past 2WW. Breakouts everywhere.

I won’t make any decisions when I’m in this emotional hormonal place. I’m taking at least a month off to let my body recover. But then again, I won’t be able to stop thinking about it. It is going to take a while to dig myself out of this giant pit of despair that I’m currently stuck in.