So, I've been having this conversation in my head for a couple of weeks now, and I need to get it out there.
When do I say 'Enough'?
How do I decide if this quest for a child is over?
What is down the other fork in the road...the one w/out kids?
I am a big planner - college, good job, husband, family, grandkids, etc...all planned out. Well, you girls all know how that goes. I'm feeling lost without a plan right now.
So, I had a major breakdown on Sunday night - partially alcohol induced from the Super Bowl party, but that's beside the point - I WAS do for a breakdown.
I just don't know if I can continue on. I don't know if I have it in me to try again, and if I don't, then what??? What's my new plan? Quit the stable job I only took because of benefits and track down my 'dream job', or quit it all and travel the world? Do we sell everything and move to a new city? This is what runs through my head all the time!
I guess I feel like if I give up my journey for a child, then I better fill that hole with something...anything. I can't imagine just trudging through my days as is, w/ out SOME quest.
So, I know that we have so many wonderful BFP's in out group right now, and I am so thrilled for you, but regardless, I think that at one time or another, most of you have had a similar conversation with yourselves.
How do you deal with it? Did you give yourself a 'deadline'? When is the quest over for you?
Sorry to be the 'downer' post, but I value you all so much, and there is no one else that can understand this.
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Jes, I have thought about this A LOT. It's so hard to know when enough is enough. It's such a personal thing. It's almost asking yourself how much torture you can bare. I made the decision that if this last cycle did not work, I would take a break. I did not make any decisions beyond that, I couldn't. I just needed to think about the immediate next step. I knew I couldn't handle going right into yet another cycle. If it was up to my husband, we would have tried a million times. But at the same time, he knew that I was doing the "heavy lifting." Something in my gut tells that that I would have known when I hit my limit. It's so much easier said that done, but try to listen to your heart and trust your instincts. We typically get ourselves in trouble when we divert from our instincts. My heart goes out to you. This is such a painful process.
ReplyDeleteJes, I know how you feel, I often think about that too. Wondering if I could keep going treatment after treatment, needle after needle, negative after negative. It sucks but it's unfortunately a part of IF. You really have to be ok with never having a child of your own and know that you will be ok if it never happens to you. If you don't feel like you can continue and that your body has had enough then it's probably time to stop or at least take a break. That's what I'm doing right now, I just feel so sad about everything that a big part of me is afraid to try again and have the same results. I've come to realize that having a child is not the most important thing in my life, even though it tends to take over, it's not going to concur me. One way or the other I will have my happiness in the end. Big hugs to you girl, We both are having a bad day and it SUCKS!!!
ReplyDeleteI agree with listening to your heart. Only you and you alone can truly know when enough is enough. Super super hugs mylove!
ReplyDeleteI hope that soon I can find some clarity. Thanks for listening:)
ReplyDeleteI hope you find the answer you seek. I feel like it a question we have all asked ourselves. I know that if this cycle had not worked, that i wasnt sure I could move forward at this point. This takes so much out of you. I feel like a shell of who i used to be. Even with this good news, im still a shell. So maybe you do need to take some time off and recharge. Start a new "quest" before you come back to conquer this one. I hope and pray you get where youre going!
ReplyDeleteJes - i couldn't have said it better myself. i actually felt quite happy and content with my life before i started doing all this. i wanted kids, but at the time, i also felt i'd be okay without them. now, after 2 fresh transfers and 2 frozen - all failures - i feel like i can't go back to the way i was before anymore, like i'm forever changed and not for the better. The shitty part is i don't want to keep doing these cycles either, but i am stuck in a hellish purgatory where the path of quitting will always make me wonder "what if the next one would have worked"? my husband is very unhappy as well and i worry about what will be left if this never works. anyway, i pray that we all find peace someday. whatever that ends up being...
ReplyDeleteYes we have all thought about this question.
ReplyDeleteFor me its a fight that I just can't back down from, or walk away from.
I know recently (and bearing in mind I have always had itchy travelling feet) I have continuously been saying to DH that I want to go work overseas again. Or do Doctors w/o borders. I know a lot of the reason is I want to run away from it all. But by saying its for work/volunteer then I have a great cover story. Its totally impractical as we have a mortgage, 2 dogs we miss like crazy if we don't see them for a day, and DH job he has put a lot of effort in too. Also think the other reason is I can start afresh with noone knowing we have IF issues.
We will probably do a few more IVFs. Then I think we would be approaching my sister for surrogacy. Failing that probably adoption overseas seen as the wait is about 3 years in Aus, not sure of cost in Aus though.
I just can't/won't see a future w/o kids.
Like I said a battle I can't back down from.
Thanks, Jes, for your heartfelt post. Wow. Yep, we've all thought about it - how long can I do this? Will I forgive myself if I stop? What's next if I do stop?
ReplyDeleteLike summer, I cannot imagine my life without kids. I joked the other day that I was going to put up a flier at local high schools to adopt their babies. Is this legal? Probably not.
I do know a wonderful couple (prob more than one), but one specifically who has lived a wonderful, full life without children. I admire them so much. They give to others and are very close to nieces and nephews. For me, I just don't like other people's kids that much to fill that void. :)
My personal deadline is my IVF, then all the FETs to use all my snowbabies. Well, I only got 2 snowbabies from the IVF, so I'm guessing my FET later this year will be it. That makes me sad, but my body has been through a lot in my almost 32 years (tomorrow!) so I don't want to push it beyond what it can do. I have fears about adoption, too, but I guess we'll cross that bridge if we come to it.
My MIL told me today she's praying we have twins with our FET. I'm just not feeling very hopeful at this point, but I appreciated her saying that.
Jes, good luck on your journey to answers. Take care of yourself. We're so glad you're here!