Saturday, February 27, 2010

Finding my tribe... way out in the blog~o~sphere!

I am newly added to this blog, but not newly infertile. I have been at this now for just about 4 years... my IF resume reads:
2 IUIs
2 Fresh IVFs
2 Frozen IVFs
2 losses
3 Fertility offices
and 4 IVF Doctors

I am a veteran and I'm not so proud of it, but I am proud of the strength I have found that gets me up and out of bed everyday and the smile I always seem to crack when I see my husband or my ability to still laugh at things that are funny. Besides that, I feel like a shell of a person, and yes, isolated from the rest of the world.

All this will hopefully be coming to an end and a new page will be turned in this saga. Hopefully a new character (or two) will emerge and the heroine and hero will have their day in the sun.

I am getting ready to do some more immunological testing - more specifically I am being tested for implantation issues. Finally I found a Dr at SIRM / Sher Institute that will not only listen to me, but also do tests that my other idiot Drs felt were "out there." Do I dare say I am hopeful....?

We have 3 frosties and once my tests come back and we see what's-what, I will begin another FET this Spring... gulp!

I am grateful to be a part of this amazing blog! Writing has kept me somewhat sane over the last few years and am so happy to have found a safe and supportive place to share my emotional guts - without being "kicked out!"

I look forward to reading all of the posts and more importantly I look forward to knowing all of you forever and ever.

Oh and if any of you live in or near NYC.... let's go get some lunch!!

Thursday, February 25, 2010

Can't wait to meet you people in real life....

Had my "cyberdate" as DH calls it with "Shortee" from FT. We both have lining issues and she lives in the Chicago area. We went out to dinner and had some wine. Was great. So nice to be out with someone that "gets it". Someday...I am not kidding....we really all need to pick a central-ish locale and meet. Or Mexico. I know it sounds "gay" but I dont' know how I'd make it thru this crap without you guys. (awww....rainbows....leprechauns (st. patrick's day is coming...)...touchy feely warm feelings....sorry!) Ravenswood...our cyberdate will have to be soon!!

Infertility & Drinking

ShawLove's post inspired some new thoughts. It really sucks that not only do we have to deal with the emotional sandbags of infertility every day but we also find extreme comfort in a few adult beverages after experiencing said sandbags!

So this got me thinking. When I was in my 20's and not a care in the world I went out on the weekends and would have adult beverages with my friends. Only the weekends. In my low 30's after having met DH, I drank on the weekends with dinner or at an occasional happy hour. But, nothing dramatic. In my low 30's I was also in to marathon running and completed three successfully along with a handful of half-marathons. Now in my late 30's, infertile and post miscarriage I find myself wanting a drink EVERY night. This cannot be good for you. I tell myself it's part of my grieving process. But, is it really healthy to be drinking every night. NO! So how do you get past this hurdle? This has never been an issue for me.

So, this last week I joined a gym in hopes the exercise and weight loss will increase endorphins and help divert my desire for the drinky drink. I also went to the dentist this week and got some whitening trays that I will start tonight. One cannot drink red wine and have white teeth, right? And for fun I got my hair highlighted and cut by this amazing stylist in midtown. What else can one do?

I assure you I will have a drink or two tonight. I am going to a Tastefully Simple party. Gotta be social, right? My goal this next week is no more than 5 drinks (RE says that's her max number). Then maybe it will naturally decrease from there. It's also another week gone by, helping to separate me from the MC date. :-)

IM's with my mom. (I'm drinking a lot tonight).

3:00pmAlicia (mom)

Audrey & Elvin are having a boy!!!!


i dont care about peoples new babies

3:03pmAlicia (mom)

That is a little selfish of an attitude .. Don't you htink?


i think i'm entitled to be selfish, ivf sucks.


you have no clue.

3:05pmAlicia (mom)

I can understand how you feel. ivf does suck. But still rejoyce in the blessing that others have and share in their joy.


i hardly know those people and don't care about their new baby. you should be a little more considerate about announcing pregnancies to someone who is struggling with infertility

3:08pmAlicia (mom)

So sorry if this subject is a difficult one for you.

So if any of your siblings is going to have a baby or Irene or any one you do not want to know and be happy for them ...?


i'll be happy for my realtives, not random people i don't know.

3:09pmAlicia (mom)

So sorry if this subject is a difficult one for you.


i have to go

3:09pmAlicia (mom)

OK will keep it in mind and do not go there with you any more.

3:12pmAlicia (mom)

I will pray for peace and God's will to be done in your life. Love you.

The Dreams of This IF Girl

For years, I've dreamed that I have a baby...and have experienced life without the weight of infertility.  Of course, that feeling is quickly snatched away within seconds of waking up to reality.  Those dreams are both cruel and magnificent.

Last night I had my first miscarriage dream.  It was relatively short and followed a very prolonged sexual dream.  (I wonder if the "no sex" directive makes me paranoid even in my dreams.)

In my dream, I held the expelled blob in my hand and it looked like the artists' renderings of an embryo (not like the indistinct blob you see on an ultrasound.)  I remember standing there in my dream, staring at this thing in my hand, looking to see if there was still a heartbeat (thinking maybe they could just put it back in.)

What a strange, strange dream.  It actually took me a bit to snap back to reality after I woke up and realize that, as far as we know, there are still 2 blobs and 2 hbs.

I wonder how many Fertiles experience this kind of fear and paranoia in their sleep?  My guess is that most of them dream of babies dressed in Easter finery, laying on blankets in meadows of flowers and bunnies...surrounded  by perfect, happy, well-adjusted friends and family.  That must be nice....

response to Krissy - natural FET

Krissy, my RE thinks that, I ovulate on my own (though irregular cycles). So they monitor the time of ovulation by doing US & measuring follicle size. When the follicle reaches 18-20 mm size, give HCG injection & then transfer blasts after few days (I think 5 days). Then take progesterone.
There is no BCP or Lupron, etc. Also if something does not look right, like the lining is not thick enough, etc they will cancel the cycle, embies remain frozen.
Also they have asked me to do LH tests at home, just in case there is a surge between US.
RE says if they have to cancel this one, they will do medicated cycle next time.

Wednesday, February 24, 2010

Cycle 2 jinxed.

Really? seriously? Below is the reply from a "friend" after hearing that our first IVF cycle failed.

"=( I am sorry to hear that! I'm sure it can't be easy sitting and waiting with anticipation! So have you thought what route to go if time #2 doesn't go well? Will you use an egg or sperm donor? I will keep you in my prayers!"

Gosh, I'm just trying to make it through the day, still healing from cycle 1 disappointment, trying to "look forward" to cycle 2....and she has the nerve to ask what will we do if that fails too!!!!

PS: this friend has a 5 week old baby.

Tuesday, February 23, 2010

Warped IF thinking

hi: just needed to vent. IF is really making my thinking warped. my DH's little sister just got engaged and all i could think was "great, i bet they'll have a baby before we do." i'm happy for her, but i mostly feel stressed by the thought that i'm going to be lapped by her in terms of pregnancy. i hate that my brain/thoughts even go there, but it always does, and without my control. we then were talking to DH's dad who said "oh yeah, and they're going to take an adventurous honeymoon because she'll probably be pregnant before long and not be able to travel." it was an innocent comment, but it totally pissed me off since he KNOWS the hell we've been going through. i know he didn't mean it, but i'm inferring fucked up meaning to everything these days. i wonder if i will like anyone anymore after all this is over and will anyone still like me? i need to get it under control.

sorry for the depressing post...

Finally starting the FET

After the ectopic and MTX last year ... I finally start the FET, going for first US tomm.

deemold - I normally have irrehular periods, but have never crossed 40 days, so I was worried what is happening, took 2 HPTs (obviously -ve)... I was thinking all sorts of things, coz I've had 2 ectopics so far and I donno what MTX did to my body ... AF finally showed up on 42nd day.
I would say just wait sometime, before talking to your RE.

Monday, February 22, 2010

So now I wait again....

Hello! I finally figured out the whole blog site, and even managed to get a profile pic added! Yeah me! Anyway-
So- I had my m/c about three weeks ago and now I need to wait to see if I get a period. Well, prior to November 2009- I had not had a period for 10 years without taking IF injectibles. So the only periods I had were from failed IUI's. So- fast forward to 2009 when I switched a medication I am on for a seizure disorder, and 6 months later I get a period (thought the estogen in my system was noticable after 1 month of the drug switch)...and then I got pg in Dec and had blighted ovum. So- now I am waiting to see what happens with my cycle. I know it can take up to 6 weeks to get a period- but for someone who has no history of seeing that- I am a little freaked out that it simply won't ever come back. Like that m/c I just had was my miracle "one chance" to have a cycle occur without all the drugs. I can't say I am having massive anxiety- but I am so confused about how this is going to proceed since it is really unchartered ground. huh.

One step closer

Beta #2 was today. My hCG levels more than doubled from 104 to 330! Yippee!! I was anxious all day for that call but nervous at the same time. I was able to breath again after the good news. :o) My estrogen also more than doubled so they are happy with where it is at now too.

Beta #3 is Monday 03/01 and the first u/s is Wednesday 03/10. I'm glad I have a 3rd beta because March 10 seems so far off right now!

Grow Baby, grow!!

IF Girl Once...IF Girl Always?

I told my mom yesterday that IF had changed me.  I told her that no matter what success we have with IVF, I will never be the person I was before.  I told her that I still haven't had an emotional reaction to the +POAS, the +Beta, or the HBs on the U/S.  I don't know when I'll be able to let myself be happy about this and believe it's going to turn out okay.  I worry that time will never come.

I've heard that some people who have lost a considerable amount of matter what they see in the mirror or on the scale, they still feel like the same overweight person on the inside.  I feel like regardless of what happens (no matter how good)...inside, I will still be the Infertile Girl.

Thoughts, feelings, experiences?

It never ends, or does it?

Hey ladies, I had a terrible terrible Friday. Not only were my "symptoms" from the D&C horrendous the doc wanted me to come in to check me out to be sure things were good. As I got that call from my doc while bleeding terribly with HUGE clots, a guy in my office walks by with his wife and their new baby. I had successfully avoided them but since I had to take docs call in the conference room I ran into them. He asked me to come over and see the baby. I said, "I really don't think this is a good time for me to be around babies. Please take no offense." Then I ran off before I cried in the office and went to the doc. His face was pure shock. Our receptionist told him for me. I am thankful for that. Doc said I was going to be fine but that things may be bad for a day or two more. Ugh. Haven't I already been through enough. Then on my way to the airport Friday night to pick up DH I get a call from a friend in Minneapolis. She's 13 weeks. Are you kidding me? Seriously, when is it going to be my turn. It's her second.

Luckily Midol came to the rescue Friday night (thanks to my doc for the advice) and our weekend was saved. DH and I went to an art show Saturday, bought three pieces for our home, then went to a great dinner with friends at an amazing place here in Atlanta. I walked two miles Saturday and 5 miles Sunday. I can now fit into my work pants which I could not wear last week. Yay. Dh says we're nesting again. He might be right. I started touching up paint in our house and am getting ready to paint the middle bedroom (supposed to be a baby's room). Just cannot let it sit there undone anymore since, clearly, a baby is not in our near future.

Sunday, February 21, 2010

Fertiles are so weird!

Went out to dinner/drinks with some friends last night. One of them has a baby who's not quite a year old. She ordered a Coke. So I ripped the bandaid off myself and said, "You're knocked up again, aren't you?" She said yes. She's 8w6d and no betas, no ultrasound (she is a doctor too so has access to such things). Can you imagine just getting pregnant from having sex and then just assuming all is well? Waiting till 11 or 12 weeks for your first ultrasound? SO WEIRD!