Saturday, February 27, 2010
2 Fresh IVFs
2 Frozen IVFs
3 Fertility offices
and 4 IVF Doctors
I am a veteran and I'm not so proud of it, but I am proud of the strength I have found that gets me up and out of bed everyday and the smile I always seem to crack when I see my husband or my ability to still laugh at things that are funny. Besides that, I feel like a shell of a person, and yes, isolated from the rest of the world.
All this will hopefully be coming to an end and a new page will be turned in this saga. Hopefully a new character (or two) will emerge and the heroine and hero will have their day in the sun.
I am getting ready to do some more immunological testing - more specifically I am being tested for implantation issues. Finally I found a Dr at SIRM / Sher Institute that will not only listen to me, but also do tests that my other idiot Drs felt were "out there." Do I dare say I am hopeful....?
We have 3 frosties and once my tests come back and we see what's-what, I will begin another FET this Spring... gulp!
I am grateful to be a part of this amazing blog! Writing has kept me somewhat sane over the last few years and am so happy to have found a safe and supportive place to share my emotional guts - without being "kicked out!"
I look forward to reading all of the posts and more importantly I look forward to knowing all of you forever and ever.
Oh and if any of you live in or near NYC.... let's go get some lunch!!
Thursday, February 25, 2010
So this got me thinking. When I was in my 20's and not a care in the world I went out on the weekends and would have adult beverages with my friends. Only the weekends. In my low 30's after having met DH, I drank on the weekends with dinner or at an occasional happy hour. But, nothing dramatic. In my low 30's I was also in to marathon running and completed three successfully along with a handful of half-marathons. Now in my late 30's, infertile and post miscarriage I find myself wanting a drink EVERY night. This cannot be good for you. I tell myself it's part of my grieving process. But, is it really healthy to be drinking every night. NO! So how do you get past this hurdle? This has never been an issue for me.
So, this last week I joined a gym in hopes the exercise and weight loss will increase endorphins and help divert my desire for the drinky drink. I also went to the dentist this week and got some whitening trays that I will start tonight. One cannot drink red wine and have white teeth, right? And for fun I got my hair highlighted and cut by this amazing stylist in midtown. What else can one do?
I assure you I will have a drink or two tonight. I am going to a Tastefully Simple party. Gotta be social, right? My goal this next week is no more than 5 drinks (RE says that's her max number). Then maybe it will naturally decrease from there. It's also another week gone by, helping to separate me from the MC date. :-)
Audrey & Elvin are having a boy!!!!
i dont care about peoples new babies
That is a little selfish of an attitude .. Don't you htink?
i think i'm entitled to be selfish, ivf sucks.
you have no clue.
I can understand how you feel. ivf does suck. But still rejoyce in the blessing that others have and share in their joy.
i hardly know those people and don't care about their new baby. you should be a little more considerate about announcing pregnancies to someone who is struggling with infertility
So sorry if this subject is a difficult one for you.
So if any of your siblings is going to have a baby or Irene or any one you do not want to know and be happy for them ...?
i'll be happy for my realtives, not random people i don't know.
So sorry if this subject is a difficult one for you.
i have to go
OK will keep it in mind and do not go there with you any more.
I will pray for peace and God's will to be done in your life. Love you.
Last night I had my first miscarriage dream. It was relatively short and followed a very prolonged sexual dream. (I wonder if the "no sex" directive makes me paranoid even in my dreams.)
In my dream, I held the expelled blob in my hand and it looked like the artists' renderings of an embryo (not like the indistinct blob you see on an ultrasound.) I remember standing there in my dream, staring at this thing in my hand, looking to see if there was still a heartbeat (thinking maybe they could just put it back in.)
What a strange, strange dream. It actually took me a bit to snap back to reality after I woke up and realize that, as far as we know, there are still 2 blobs and 2 hbs.
I wonder how many Fertiles experience this kind of fear and paranoia in their sleep? My guess is that most of them dream of babies dressed in Easter finery, laying on blankets in meadows of flowers and bunnies...surrounded by perfect, happy, well-adjusted friends and family. That must be nice....
There is no BCP or Lupron, etc. Also if something does not look right, like the lining is not thick enough, etc they will cancel the cycle, embies remain frozen.
Also they have asked me to do LH tests at home, just in case there is a surge between US.
RE says if they have to cancel this one, they will do medicated cycle next time.
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
"=( I am sorry to hear that! I'm sure it can't be easy sitting and waiting with anticipation! So have you thought what route to go if time #2 doesn't go well? Will you use an egg or sperm donor? I will keep you in my prayers!"
Gosh, I'm just trying to make it through the day, still healing from cycle 1 disappointment, trying to "look forward" to cycle 2....and she has the nerve to ask what will we do if that fails too!!!!
PS: this friend has a 5 week old baby.
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
sorry for the depressing post...
deemold - I normally have irrehular periods, but have never crossed 40 days, so I was worried what is happening, took 2 HPTs (obviously -ve)... I was thinking all sorts of things, coz I've had 2 ectopics so far and I donno what MTX did to my body ... AF finally showed up on 42nd day.
I would say just wait sometime, before talking to your RE.
Monday, February 22, 2010
So- I had my m/c about three weeks ago and now I need to wait to see if I get a period. Well, prior to November 2009- I had not had a period for 10 years without taking IF injectibles. So the only periods I had were from failed IUI's. So- fast forward to 2009 when I switched a medication I am on for a seizure disorder, and 6 months later I get a period (thought the estogen in my system was noticable after 1 month of the drug switch)...and then I got pg in Dec and had blighted ovum. So- now I am waiting to see what happens with my cycle. I know it can take up to 6 weeks to get a period- but for someone who has no history of seeing that- I am a little freaked out that it simply won't ever come back. Like that m/c I just had was my miracle "one chance" to have a cycle occur without all the drugs. I can't say I am having massive anxiety- but I am so confused about how this is going to proceed since it is really unchartered ground. huh.
Beta #3 is Monday 03/01 and the first u/s is Wednesday 03/10. I'm glad I have a 3rd beta because March 10 seems so far off right now!
Grow Baby, grow!!
I've heard that some people who have lost a considerable amount of weight...no matter what they see in the mirror or on the scale, they still feel like the same overweight person on the inside. I feel like regardless of what happens (no matter how good)...inside, I will still be the Infertile Girl.
Thoughts, feelings, experiences?
Luckily Midol came to the rescue Friday night (thanks to my doc for the advice) and our weekend was saved. DH and I went to an art show Saturday, bought three pieces for our home, then went to a great dinner with friends at an amazing place here in Atlanta. I walked two miles Saturday and 5 miles Sunday. I can now fit into my work pants which I could not wear last week. Yay. Dh says we're nesting again. He might be right. I started touching up paint in our house and am getting ready to paint the middle bedroom (supposed to be a baby's room). Just cannot let it sit there undone anymore since, clearly, a baby is not in our near future.