I told my mom yesterday that IF had changed me. I told her that no matter what success we have with IVF, I will never be the person I was before. I told her that I still haven't had an emotional reaction to the +POAS, the +Beta, or the HBs on the U/S. I don't know when I'll be able to let myself be happy about this and believe it's going to turn out okay. I worry that time will never come.
I've heard that some people who have lost a considerable amount of weight...no matter what they see in the mirror or on the scale, they still feel like the same overweight person on the inside. I feel like regardless of what happens (no matter how good)...inside, I will still be the Infertile Girl.
Thoughts, feelings, experiences?
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
Posts
I know exactly how you feel. I am 28 weeks pregnant now, but the whole first trimester I was pretty ambivalent. I didn't get really emotional about it until I had a bleed at 9 weeks and was convinced I was about to miscarry. At that point I bawled and bawled. When I found out that everything was ok, I went right back to feeling kind of numb. I remember all the way up to 20 weeks DH would repeatedly tell me that at some point I need to face facts and be happy. Most days I still have to remind myself that I am going to have a baby soon. I think its just our way of protecting ourselves...
ReplyDeleteAnonymous, yes your story sounds all-too-familiar as well.
ReplyDeleteMy mom was telling me yesterday that I "need to try to let her be a mother." I knew what she meant. I can't handle her cooing and fawning and using language (like pgcy and the "b" word) before I'm ready. I said, "No I don't. This isn't about you. You have to do this my way, and I won't apologize for it." I told her that the way this was going to be if it had happened 7 years ago was gone, it's never going to be that way. We're a very open family, we pretty much say what's on our minds, but even I couldn't believe the candor with which I was speaking.
She says she gets it...but we'll see. She was throwing around the "B" and "P" words with wild abandon yesterday, even though she hasn't heard me use them even once. Time will tell.
Furthermore...I told her to stop saying things like, "I'm sure you know this, but...being tired is very common in the first trimester." Uhhhhhh, yeah...*drool*...thanks, Mom. This didn't happen for me on the first try like it did for you. I'm 35...I've been through two cycles of IVF, I have an OB/GYN (who's been through IVF), have seen 3 different REs, and spent seven years trying to get pg the old-fashioned way. I pretty much know it all, so keep your Pgcy For Dummies pearls of wisdom to yourself. I don't need to be constantly reminded that this whole pgcy thing is new to me.
ReplyDeleteI told her if she has to start a sentence with, "I'm sure you know this, but...," she shouldn't be saying it at all.
I don't know KB, but I think that once you start feeling the baby move (18 weeks) things will feel more real.
ReplyDeleteTotally understand your hesitation though, it is warranted and normal.
And don't feel guilty about how you feel, it's certainly not a reflection on the type of mother that you'll be. It may take having the baby in your arms for this all to set in and feel "safe". and that's fine too.
My husband has this issue. He doesn't like to talk about it because he's afraid of "jinxing" it. I feel like I have multiple personalities about the whole thing. One minute I'm envisioning baby names and who we'll invite to the christening and who will babysit when we go on vacation and how the heck we'll get ready in the morning. The next minute I'm having doom and gloom like in my previous post and envisioning bad ultrasounds. Every time my sister calls, both my DH and I are afraid she's bleeding or something. That's why I posted about my fertile friend. I can't imagine ever feeling as relaxed as they do about things. I sort of laugh at my patients who worry about how their labor's going to go, how they do or don't want an epidural. That's such a tiny part of everything. The harder part is making it that far and then figuring out how to be a good parent afterward.
ReplyDeleteomg, bbchi! me and your husband are on the same wavelength. After telling my dads side of the family last weekend, my aunt kept asking "did you tell your cousin yet?"(who is 18 and wasnt there for the announcement). I just kept ignoring her comments, until finally i yelled "i dont even like saying it out loud, i feel like im jinxing myself"! Then she backed off a little. I, like KB, havent really reacted yet. I havent cried tears of happiness, or gotten giddy with excitement. I am content, but fearful. I dont wanna say it out loud, because im scared karma will come back and kick me in the ass for it. I think brad is about to kill me. I can talk about it with him, but he isnt allowed to discuss with anyone but me. Im a freakshow...at least i can admit it!
ReplyDeletewell said, kb.
ReplyDeleteI agree with all of these comments. My 2nd cycle I told my parents, my brother and a few friends right away. Then it turned out to be a miscarriage. Right now I'm pregnant, but it's so early, I am afraid to tell anyone. I didn't even mention it on this blog until now because I am afraid it will go away at any moment. I did have a 3rd beta last Friday that is looking good for where I'm at, but until I see a hb, I can't believe it's real.
ReplyDeleteCongrats SillyDotty!
ReplyDelete8 weeks-in the bathroom checking my underpants about every half hour or so to make sure nothings "happening".
ReplyDeleteMy dad called me out on it. How embarassing.
Golde-I am also a freakshow!
Don't want to tell anyone, don't want to talk of it-might jinx myself. WTF?