hi: just needed to vent. IF is really making my thinking warped. my DH's little sister just got engaged and all i could think was "great, i bet they'll have a baby before we do." i'm happy for her, but i mostly feel stressed by the thought that i'm going to be lapped by her in terms of pregnancy. i hate that my brain/thoughts even go there, but it always does, and without my control. we then were talking to DH's dad who said "oh yeah, and they're going to take an adventurous honeymoon because she'll probably be pregnant before long and not be able to travel." it was an innocent comment, but it totally pissed me off since he KNOWS the hell we've been going through. i know he didn't mean it, but i'm inferring fucked up meaning to everything these days. i wonder if i will like anyone anymore after all this is over and will anyone still like me? i need to get it under control.
sorry for the depressing post...
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Pemmie: I totally get where yo're coming from. I started to have these kinds of thoughts before I had gotten the natural BFP. But since the miscarriage I REALLY have them. I am totally a negative nancy. People with kids or the potential to have them easily just piss me off. I think it's OK to think like this for a bit until we get our dream kids. But it cannot last forever. I think venting about it is the first step and recognizing that we do it. Now we just have to work on us and with that I think the positiveness will come back. But, with everything we're going through now - this is completely normal!
ReplyDeleteI had a friend who got married in October. She's a year older than me so I thought she'd start trying right away and get knocked up right away and I would die. You are not alone in these horrible negative thoughts. I don't know that we can ever turn to positive until we conquer IF. Maybe numb, but not positive.
ReplyDeleteYep, I've had all these same thoughts (and worse.) It becomes automatic. I even have a friend who just started dating a guy with whom she's completely smitten. I already started worrying that they'd have the time to get married and get pg before us...and they just started dating! It's crazy-making...but at least we're not alone in our thoughts. I'm so glad I've had all you girls to make me feel like I'm not the most horrible person on the planet.
ReplyDeletePem - you are in good company, we all have those negative thoughts about others.
ReplyDeleteThe other day, an old friend of DH stopped by with the 'guess what' news - ugh. She goes on to tell us that after she had her daughter (now 15), she got her 'tubes tied', but then she met this great guy...yada, yada, yada, and goes on to tell us that she went through IVF, and it was SO HARD, but 'yay, it worked the first time'. I just stood there dumbfounded...she doesn't know what hard is.
So, as others have stated before, we are all forever changed by IF, and I think it's ok that we have these negative thoughts toward the fertiles of the world.
One thing I can say for sure is that you are not alone. I have a relative and a friend, both 2 years younger than me & I know both have started ttc ... I worry all the time they will tell 'the news' before me.
ReplyDeleteIt is such thing that every expects from you after a certain age and once u r married... its a pressure.
I have put my carrier on hold for this... but there are others who get preg, go to work till 9th mnth and come back after maternity leave, not even a dent in their life and carrier!! so unfair!
Like JPS said first step is to recognize it and hopefully once we have kids, these feeling will go away.
I hate it when someone says they will tsart trying right away....because it means only 2 things:
ReplyDelete1. they will get pregnant before me or
2. They won't get pg right away and will think that 3 months of trying means infertility and they will then think they are in the same boat as me.
Hey- I'm even mad at ultrafertile pregnant women when I'm sleeping. A few nights ago I had a dream with preggos and cute toddlers everywhere and that's when I knew I was really turning into an infertile bitch! It's a new kind of nightmare.
ReplyDeletebarren - LMAO.
ReplyDeleteWhen my twin sister told me she was going to try for her third (clomid assisted), I knew she'd fall in the first month. And she did. And I thought I'd be really mad. But I wasn't actually, because she was very real about the whole thing, not dancing around it like some would, or saying insensitive things like others do. But I DO get down when I see others that are pregnant, or with toddlers and I wonder if it will ever happen to me. I even joked with my step daughter today as we bought tampax that we needed to load up the cart and she finished - so that you'll get pregnant? We did laugh. I just hope SHE doesn't get pg before me (she's 14!)
The "race to get pregnant" sucks!! You're not alone.
ReplyDeleteIF is definitely a personality changer. I was never bitter and twisted and now I am. At the start of all this I was still happy for people regarding their "news". I would distance myself within a few months though. Now I avoid anyone who potentially can give me their "news". Its almost like I want a medical report to tell me they have had tubes tied, gone through menopause etc etc until I will allow them to be my friend. I even asked DH the other night if it's possible for me not to be happy until we are pregnant? I feel like I am hanging in limbo, waiting to be happy and getting my life back.
ReplyDeleteI recently started in a field of nursing that I have been waiting and trying to get in for years. Even that has not managed to snap me out of my nasty daze.
I also look at the box of tampons in my bathroom and think this is the last month for you. Don't you dare be needed for another 9 months! There goes that crazy... talking to tampons!
I have another issue: people who assume that I'm not interested in having kids and/or will never have kids because of my age. DH's stepmom has said things to that effect. We don't correct her (or others) because we're not really telling that side of the family that we're trying, but why should they assume it's by choice, and comment on it? Or my SIL will parade the fact that she has the "only grandchild" for that part of the family. I'm sure it hurts my two other SILs, who aren't married and don't have children, too.
ReplyDeleteit's comforting to hear that i'm not the only one. over at FT, no one seems to feel this way... or at least will admit to it.
ReplyDeleteOhhh you are sooo not alone. My SIL and brother have been trying really hard for a long time to have their second child and every month I hold my breath in hopes that it doesn't happen. Luckily for me it hasn't happened yet (how awful of me, right??) I just don't know what I will do If someone else in my family makes the big announcement before I do. It's something that I'm afraid of everyday of my life, I often find myself wondering if I can ever be happy in life without a child, most days I don't think I can. I also don't put myself in situations where I may get the "guess what" news.. Since going through this IF I have distanced myself from alot of my friends/family who are trying or will be in the near future, I just can't bring myself to be happy for anyone until I'm happy myself. It's nice to have you ladies for support but it's hard to go through life everyday wondering if I will EVER be happy!!!
ReplyDeleteI mean 3rd child....
ReplyDeleteThis was actually the subject of my very first "confession" on the original FT confessions thread. That I hope my SIL gets pg after me even though she is older than me and *may* have less time. She just got married and they are trying. I am scared of attending any and all family functions for fear of an announcement. Besides the jealousy that will for sure ensue, I dread the spotlight being put on me and DH ("They JUST got married and they're already PG!! WHAT'S TAKING YOU SO LONG?!?!?").
ReplyDeleteI hold my breath every day, wishing infertility on every friend and coworker who is within birthing age. My warped thinking has made me into the biggest bitch, even to the point where I hope people have miscarriages. I work with kids every day and it is a haunting reminder of what I don't have. This blows.
ReplyDeleteIf you're a bitch, Warrior, then I am satan personified. FML...
ReplyDelete