I posted this over on the Stork site and wanted to share here. It was a response to another post where we were talking about how we feel sharing our IVF journey.
(all sorts of things mentioned - just a warning)
This is so hard to explain isn't it? How we feel about discussing and not discussing? The other night I was with a bunch of girlfriends - my friend who has done everything ART under the sun that we have done and haven't done, plus waiting for adoption (she knows my whole story) as well as my friend who is 6 months pregnant with her 3rd, a single gal friend who at 44 feels she won't ever have the chance to try for a baby, and a married friend who does not want children. They were asking me about where I was with my IF procedures and what was next, etc. I wanted to be offended at first like "how dare you ask me about that", but I thought, they genuinely want to know and genuinely want me to have success. I gave them the latest and didn't feel that pity feeling you sometimes get from people. I just felt support like I do here. I think that is what I hate the most - that "awww, you poor infertile little thing" feeling. I feel I can't look the fertilies in the eye sometimes. Especially those with child or a newer baby. I am afraid I will cry, give them a dirtly look or I don't know what.
Even though I absolutely know this is not my fault, I can't help but feel like my body is broken in a way that says I am somehow less than a woman. There I said it out loud. That is how I feel. Factor in being 41 and I've added that I'm also old to the mix. I'm old and broken and less than a woman. When there is a woman around who can remind me of that by showing me how unbroken and whole she is with her baby/pg I resent her at least a little. Even if she is my friend and I care about her. Does that make me a bad person? I feel that sometimes that it does. Sometimes I wish I was one of those happy all the time, glass half full, silver lining people, but I am not. I can't always just feel happy for other people. I get a bit bitter - hell sometimes a lot bitter. All I can do is deal with me and how I feel and figure out how I will keep moving forward towards success or more failure in my quest to become a mother. One day at a time.
I started a fertility yoga class last night. Small class - only 2 other girls there - both skinny and 10 years younger and I instantly had a 'tude like oh yeah, like you bitches have anything on me. I should know better than that after being on these sites. IF does not just discriminate against age or weight. We were making introductions and I told my boohoo story first and thought "top that mo-fo's". One girl said she had one child, but had some cysts and couldn't get pg with #2. I really thought oh poor you, you already have one. What a bitch I am! And then, the other girl proceeded to tell us that she had a m/c in 2009, got pg again, carried to term and 6 WEEKS AGO her son died during childbirth. WTF?!!!!! 6 WEEKS AGO! Yet there she was ready to try again and sitting in this yoga class. I shut my mouth up pretty fast and had to keep myself from crying thinking about how the hell she got her butt to this class with a smile on her face after only 6 weeks of mourning. I would be in a mental institute.
One of our cohorts mention that we should all be proud of ourselves for going through all this. I totally agree. For trusting some strange doctor with our bodies and putting ourselves through hell physically, mentally and emotionally to achieve our goals; not everyone has the cojones to do that.
Also mentioned were the snarky comments after IF stories in the news (i.e. Kelly Preston & Celine) That somehow we are IF and don't get pg because it is nature's choice. Oh, but the crackhead whore who leaves her baby in a car while she strips - nature's cool with that one? I don't believe that. That's when I question if everything really happens for a reason - wtf reason would that be?
Anyway, wanted to share as this is the area that I am growing the most lately. I'm starting to lose some of the bitterness the more I go through. I started high and optimistic, fell to devastated and bitter and now I'm hopefully rising to contentment one way or another. That will be the longest journey no matter what the outcome.
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Why we haven't told anyone:
ReplyDelete1) Like it or not, there IS a stigma: that you are not "normal," that you are less of a woman / less of a man if you cannot procreate without medical assistance. Because hell, even that 48-year-old crackwhore was able to get knocked up by her STD-ridden pimp who lost his testicles 2 years ago in a turf war.
2) The inevitable assumption by relatives and acquaintances that I am old and my eggs are old, so it's somehow my fault. The assumption that I should've gotten married younger / started TTC sooner. Well, the truth is we started TTC when I was 31. That's still plenty young. Nearly half of all IF cases are due to male factors. Our dx is unexplained. But do I really want to explain this to anyone? It's none of their damn business why we are having trouble. But without the explanation, they're left to their own misguided, judgmental assumptions.
3) Awkward conversations and looks of pity when someone else announces and you are there, or being the one at the baby shower whom everyone knows has been trying to and can't get pregnant.
4) Inability to trust anyone to keep it private. REALLY keep it private. That means they can't tell someone else and then tell THAT person "just don't tell anyone." I've heard too many horror stories.
5) We told a few people we were planning to have a baby back when we were TTC naturally. Time passed, said baby never materialized. We felt like idiots. So when we started ART, we told everyone who asked that we didn't want kids now or in the near future. That lie has continued so long -- how can we "out" ourselves now, even without the above-mentioned factors?
6) I might assault, maim, or murder the imbecile who makes an idiotic "just" comment: adopt, take my kids, fuck my husband, etc., or the cruel asshole who actually makes a mean-spirited comment such as "it's not meant to be for you" or "it's your own fault" or "you should become religious like me" etc. etc. And they don't do IVF treatments for women in prison, to my knowledge. Otherwise it might be worth it.
mango-we told people for so long that we "werent in any hurry". And maybe I wasnt at that point. Then, stupidly when we decided to really go for it, i just assumed it would happen quickly, and when it didnt I too, felt just like an idiot!!! That was another reason I couldnt bring myself to tell anyone after my first failed ivf. I felt like i was "letting people down". Like i was a failure. Its all such bullshit.
ReplyDeleteKeep fighting the good fight ladies...and know you are all soldiers and should be proud to wear that badge of honor!!!
Thank you for sharing, Rie/Mango/Golde. I always appreciate what you have to say.
ReplyDeleteWell said, Mango.
ReplyDelete(and Rie)
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