Okay, I remember this happening every cycle, but I want to know if it
is just the Progesterone or if maybe my uterus is being a bitch. And,
yes, I am obsessing. Of course.
During my 2ww I always have shooting pains that last a second that
shoot through my uterus area down through my pubes, inner cramping
that seems to be coming from inside my uterus, and AF cramping the
whole way through the 2ww. (Well, right now I am blaming the cramping
on retrieval, but it is there.)
I can't help but wonder if this cramping (that comes every time
without fail) is either a reaction to the Progesterone or a physical
manifestation of my uterus bitch-slapping those poor embryos.
Thoughts, anyone?
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
Monday, March 15, 2010
This is for "BabyWarrior" and anyone else in their 2WW
I don't know if you have ever seen this list, but I always get a good laugh out of it. I have seen it in a few groups. I saw your post about BDing after your transfer- I don't think there is any harm in it and maybe your "awesome O" helped those embryos impant... it's possible :)
So, without further adoo, here is your list of things to do during your 2WW:
1. Take a walk around your neighborhood and figure out what will be the best route for strolls with the baby. Find areas with nice sidewalks and easy curbs. Go ahead and daydream. But do NOT buy a stroller for the dog.
2. Clean out your closet to make room for the maternity stuff you'll be buying soon. Try on anything you haven't worn for six months. Yes, if you wish, you may put a pillow in your undies to see what will work as maternity wear. But taking a picture of yourself like that is going too far.
3. Start a journal. Write down everything you're feeling. It will be a great opening chapter for your child's baby book. If you can't put your feelings into words draw something, try to create a symbol that expresses the frustration you're feeling. Don't get that symbol tattooed on your ankle.
4. Plant a hope garden. Or a hope rosebush. Or a hope citrus tree. You want to grow something inside of you, well start by growing something outside of you. Nurture it. Feed it. Give it water. Talk to it. But do not send out birth announcements.
5. Get better at photography. Really learn how to work all the buttons and settings on your camera. Experiment! If you have a digital camera, get all the downloading and editing stuff worked out. You will be well-prepared once you have a baby, and will be able to get some great shots and get them emailed to your family before the child's graduation. Do not take photos of your cervical mucous, even if Toni Weschler begs you.
6. Make an appeal to the committee meeting going on inside you. Sperm, egg, uterus, corpus luteum, progesterone…they are in there either making a baby or not. Treat them like any other unruly committee you've ever addressed. Yes that's right, go ahead and talk to them. Put your hands on your stomach and tell them how much you respect them. Make your best argument in favor of a baby, and then let them decide. It's out of your hands. Addressing the committee within earshot of normal people is not recommended.
7. Paint your toenails. Imagine how difficult this will be when you are pregnant. Go shopping for the perfect pink and blue nailpolish in preparation for a celebration polish. Alternating colors on the day you find out you're pregnant, or a single color for the day you find out the baby's sex. Don't be tempted to paint a cycle day countdown on your big toes.
8. Make a cup of herbal tea. It is a nice ritual: boiling the water, adding the tea leaves, pouring into a nice china cup, adding some milk or sugar, sipping peacefully. Ahhhh. There's nothing that a nice cup of tea won't help. Yeah right. Well it does kill a little bit of time.
9. Swim laps. Think about the sperm and how they need to swim to your egg. Imagine that you are a sperm, the end of the pool is the egg, then GO, GO, GO! Don't wear a tail or anything. Just imagine it quietly.
10. Make lists. List who you will tell when you get pregnant and in what order. List all the chores you need to get done instead of obsessing about this. List all the healthy activities you intend to do this week. List all the girl and boy names you like. Lists are helpful for all sorts of things, most of all for passing time rather than actually doing something.
11. Create a fertility dance. Choose whatever music speaks to your soul and make up a dance routine as a prayer to the universe for the growth of an embryo. Move your hips, rotate your belly, let your arms flow… but close the curtains.
12. Prepare a folic acid feast. Cream of broccoli soup appetizer, followed by spinach lasagna, enriched whole grain garlic bread and frozen orange juice sorbet for dessert. Dedicate the meal to your baby-to-be. Just don't set a highchair at the table in his or her honor.
13. Delegate the burden of the two-week wait. Clearly someone has to worry constantly during this time, but does it have to be you? Divide the days up among your best friends and closest family. On their assigned day they are required to think,wonder, and worry all day about whether you are pregnant or not. At the end of the day they have to call or send you email describing how agonizing it was. Also they have to report to you if they had any "symptoms," such as sore breasts, excessive urination, nausea, bleeding, fatigue…You will be surprised how many people, male and female, have early pregnancy symptoms if they just look for them.
14. Write a list of 14 things to do during the Two-Week Wait and post it to the internet. For me, this killed nearly 3 hours. Now what? I’ve still got 9 days to go? Aaaarrgrhhhh.
So, without further adoo, here is your list of things to do during your 2WW:
1. Take a walk around your neighborhood and figure out what will be the best route for strolls with the baby. Find areas with nice sidewalks and easy curbs. Go ahead and daydream. But do NOT buy a stroller for the dog.
2. Clean out your closet to make room for the maternity stuff you'll be buying soon. Try on anything you haven't worn for six months. Yes, if you wish, you may put a pillow in your undies to see what will work as maternity wear. But taking a picture of yourself like that is going too far.
3. Start a journal. Write down everything you're feeling. It will be a great opening chapter for your child's baby book. If you can't put your feelings into words draw something, try to create a symbol that expresses the frustration you're feeling. Don't get that symbol tattooed on your ankle.
4. Plant a hope garden. Or a hope rosebush. Or a hope citrus tree. You want to grow something inside of you, well start by growing something outside of you. Nurture it. Feed it. Give it water. Talk to it. But do not send out birth announcements.
5. Get better at photography. Really learn how to work all the buttons and settings on your camera. Experiment! If you have a digital camera, get all the downloading and editing stuff worked out. You will be well-prepared once you have a baby, and will be able to get some great shots and get them emailed to your family before the child's graduation. Do not take photos of your cervical mucous, even if Toni Weschler begs you.
6. Make an appeal to the committee meeting going on inside you. Sperm, egg, uterus, corpus luteum, progesterone…they are in there either making a baby or not. Treat them like any other unruly committee you've ever addressed. Yes that's right, go ahead and talk to them. Put your hands on your stomach and tell them how much you respect them. Make your best argument in favor of a baby, and then let them decide. It's out of your hands. Addressing the committee within earshot of normal people is not recommended.
7. Paint your toenails. Imagine how difficult this will be when you are pregnant. Go shopping for the perfect pink and blue nailpolish in preparation for a celebration polish. Alternating colors on the day you find out you're pregnant, or a single color for the day you find out the baby's sex. Don't be tempted to paint a cycle day countdown on your big toes.
8. Make a cup of herbal tea. It is a nice ritual: boiling the water, adding the tea leaves, pouring into a nice china cup, adding some milk or sugar, sipping peacefully. Ahhhh. There's nothing that a nice cup of tea won't help. Yeah right. Well it does kill a little bit of time.
9. Swim laps. Think about the sperm and how they need to swim to your egg. Imagine that you are a sperm, the end of the pool is the egg, then GO, GO, GO! Don't wear a tail or anything. Just imagine it quietly.
10. Make lists. List who you will tell when you get pregnant and in what order. List all the chores you need to get done instead of obsessing about this. List all the healthy activities you intend to do this week. List all the girl and boy names you like. Lists are helpful for all sorts of things, most of all for passing time rather than actually doing something.
11. Create a fertility dance. Choose whatever music speaks to your soul and make up a dance routine as a prayer to the universe for the growth of an embryo. Move your hips, rotate your belly, let your arms flow… but close the curtains.
12. Prepare a folic acid feast. Cream of broccoli soup appetizer, followed by spinach lasagna, enriched whole grain garlic bread and frozen orange juice sorbet for dessert. Dedicate the meal to your baby-to-be. Just don't set a highchair at the table in his or her honor.
13. Delegate the burden of the two-week wait. Clearly someone has to worry constantly during this time, but does it have to be you? Divide the days up among your best friends and closest family. On their assigned day they are required to think,wonder, and worry all day about whether you are pregnant or not. At the end of the day they have to call or send you email describing how agonizing it was. Also they have to report to you if they had any "symptoms," such as sore breasts, excessive urination, nausea, bleeding, fatigue…You will be surprised how many people, male and female, have early pregnancy symptoms if they just look for them.
14. Write a list of 14 things to do during the Two-Week Wait and post it to the internet. For me, this killed nearly 3 hours. Now what? I’ve still got 9 days to go? Aaaarrgrhhhh.
Weight Loss Buddies???
Ok... so anyone else trying to loose the "IVF 20"... LOL. I like that term. Jump on in... I'm on day #5 of the South Beach. Ugh. I want something sweet so bad, but I'm being stubborn. I have 62 days until vacation & starting another IVF cycle. Got to loose it. Anyone else want to share what they're doing, their goal & need some encouragement. (No rainbows or unicorns allowed... just realistic encouragement!) LOL!
Can you "bounce" your embryos to death?
Okay, so I had a transfer on Friday. Two beautiful 8-celled, A-grade embryos. (Though that doesn't mean much, b/c they were all perfect the first three times, too.)
I decided I would try not to obsess during this 2ww, and that I would just live life. In the past, even though my RE said it was okay, I avoided sex.
Well, yesterday, 2 days after my transfer, we had sex (with an awesome orgasm.) After Googling the subject (I shouldn't have Googled), I am freaking out.
Is it possible to hurt the embryos with the shock waves from and orgasm? I keep picturing my embryos bouncing on my uterine lining like the balls on the parachute in 3rd grade gym class. Help!
Sunday, March 14, 2010
A bitch session...
Just thought I would let you all know about my delightful night the other night....
We were invited by a friend to dinner with other mates. Bearing in mind that the friend has just found out she is preg at over 3 months!! How do you not know for so long!!!! Anyway we asked who was going and were told who would be there and I knew a lot of them had just had babies etc etc. What we were not told was that every single one of them was bringing their babies and children!!!!! So when the one who just found out she was pg met the others and they were congratulating her she was pulling faces and complaining that she was not sure congrats was the word she would choose!!! They complaining about not being able to end this or that or drink. Then the others were complaining about how hard looking after 2 kids were.....
At the end of the meal I said to DH I wanted to leave and said can we just look for a taxi. Thankfully there was one waiting so we jumped into it without saying goodbye! DH called the husband to say we had left. His response was I guess it was a bit full on with all the kids there. WELL NO SHIT SHERLOCK!!! I mean would you not say that the whole baby population of the town was going to be there!!
I am sick of being the outcast everywhere I go socially!!
We were invited by a friend to dinner with other mates. Bearing in mind that the friend has just found out she is preg at over 3 months!! How do you not know for so long!!!! Anyway we asked who was going and were told who would be there and I knew a lot of them had just had babies etc etc. What we were not told was that every single one of them was bringing their babies and children!!!!! So when the one who just found out she was pg met the others and they were congratulating her she was pulling faces and complaining that she was not sure congrats was the word she would choose!!! They complaining about not being able to end this or that or drink. Then the others were complaining about how hard looking after 2 kids were.....
At the end of the meal I said to DH I wanted to leave and said can we just look for a taxi. Thankfully there was one waiting so we jumped into it without saying goodbye! DH called the husband to say we had left. His response was I guess it was a bit full on with all the kids there. WELL NO SHIT SHERLOCK!!! I mean would you not say that the whole baby population of the town was going to be there!!
I am sick of being the outcast everywhere I go socially!!
My WTF meeting outcome, plus a bitch
Hey girls,
Been MIA for a while. Relatives over from UK so no piece and quiet to correspond. I am at the hospital library atm to get some alone time!!!
So outcome of WTF meeting..... If you guys remember I had a nearly pregnancy last month but had really low progesterone which was not picked up until really late so not sure if that contributed to the crap outcome. Anyway RE said it may have been prog but also may not. I told him I was on prog pessaries (my own doing) whilst ttc naturally whilst waiting for next ivf round. His response, thats a good idea!! Hmm and he is being paid???
We went through all the possibilites of our "unexplained infertility" diagnosis. SA all ok (improved since DH on Menevit vitamin), prolactin levels all normal, HSG normal, chromosome tests all normal, fertilization rates of embryos all within expected range ie about 50%......
HOWEVER...... whereby originally RE was not concerned with endo as I did not have obvious signs (according to him) he now thinks it is a possibility... after ivf and fet failing after numerous iuis etc etc!!! Bearing in mind 18 months ago I told him I had a family history of severe endo and I had painful heavy periods with loose bowel motions all the time. RE stated b/c the HSG was clear and I had no pain on pelvic exam and no pain on intercourse he didn't believe I had it. My response this time was I WANT A LAPROSCOPY to rule it out. RE tried to make out that it was his idea to now do a lap to make sure what is going on in my uterus. I am furious seen as why the hell was it not done 18 months ago? And why did he say I didn't have it when I potentially could?
So the lap is potentially booked for next month however it may be cancelled seen as RE has put me on a private theatre list when I am a public pt so I may get cancelled if hospital admin find out. If that is the case it will be Aug until I can have op!
I am worried, angry, frustrated and feeling like a failure all rolled into one. Mainly really scared seen as I have always thought I could have endo so really worried about what they will find.
Been MIA for a while. Relatives over from UK so no piece and quiet to correspond. I am at the hospital library atm to get some alone time!!!
So outcome of WTF meeting..... If you guys remember I had a nearly pregnancy last month but had really low progesterone which was not picked up until really late so not sure if that contributed to the crap outcome. Anyway RE said it may have been prog but also may not. I told him I was on prog pessaries (my own doing) whilst ttc naturally whilst waiting for next ivf round. His response, thats a good idea!! Hmm and he is being paid???
We went through all the possibilites of our "unexplained infertility" diagnosis. SA all ok (improved since DH on Menevit vitamin), prolactin levels all normal, HSG normal, chromosome tests all normal, fertilization rates of embryos all within expected range ie about 50%......
HOWEVER...... whereby originally RE was not concerned with endo as I did not have obvious signs (according to him) he now thinks it is a possibility... after ivf and fet failing after numerous iuis etc etc!!! Bearing in mind 18 months ago I told him I had a family history of severe endo and I had painful heavy periods with loose bowel motions all the time. RE stated b/c the HSG was clear and I had no pain on pelvic exam and no pain on intercourse he didn't believe I had it. My response this time was I WANT A LAPROSCOPY to rule it out. RE tried to make out that it was his idea to now do a lap to make sure what is going on in my uterus. I am furious seen as why the hell was it not done 18 months ago? And why did he say I didn't have it when I potentially could?
So the lap is potentially booked for next month however it may be cancelled seen as RE has put me on a private theatre list when I am a public pt so I may get cancelled if hospital admin find out. If that is the case it will be Aug until I can have op!
I am worried, angry, frustrated and feeling like a failure all rolled into one. Mainly really scared seen as I have always thought I could have endo so really worried about what they will find.
Slap in the face
Ok, so i tried to post this in the google group, but after 3 unsuccessful attempts I am moving over here.
I need to know if im being overly sensitive, or if this is blatantly rude?
Yesterday, my friend and i were hanging out and she begins to tell me a story about her friend from high school that was extremely overweight, and that she posted a bunch of new pics on facebook and had lost a lot of weight. Friend says she was jealous of the girl and trashed her for bragging about losing the weight with lots of hard work and low fat/cal diets.
Little background on friend: she weighs 250+ lbs. A few years back she lost 60ish lbs and has gained alot of it back. So even with me being pregnant, she has 60+ lbs on me.
So from there, the conversation goes like this:
her: So, can you tell your pants are tighter yet?
me: No, but i cant suck in AT ALL
her: yeah, i totally noticed today that you cant suck your stomach in-----dramatic pause------BUT, its awesome because youre pregnant and it doesnt matter if youre stomach sticks out.
I wanted to tell her that now I just knew what she must feel like. But I didnt. I laughed and blew it off. But REALLY? how rude! She knows I am not even 3 months along and any pooches are not from a baby, but from food! Am i crazy?
I need to know if im being overly sensitive, or if this is blatantly rude?
Yesterday, my friend and i were hanging out and she begins to tell me a story about her friend from high school that was extremely overweight, and that she posted a bunch of new pics on facebook and had lost a lot of weight. Friend says she was jealous of the girl and trashed her for bragging about losing the weight with lots of hard work and low fat/cal diets.
Little background on friend: she weighs 250+ lbs. A few years back she lost 60ish lbs and has gained alot of it back. So even with me being pregnant, she has 60+ lbs on me.
So from there, the conversation goes like this:
her: So, can you tell your pants are tighter yet?
me: No, but i cant suck in AT ALL
her: yeah, i totally noticed today that you cant suck your stomach in-----dramatic pause------BUT, its awesome because youre pregnant and it doesnt matter if youre stomach sticks out.
I wanted to tell her that now I just knew what she must feel like. But I didnt. I laughed and blew it off. But REALLY? how rude! She knows I am not even 3 months along and any pooches are not from a baby, but from food! Am i crazy?
Thursday, March 11, 2010
Don't Wanna Miss Anything? How to Subscribe to Blog Posts (Thank you, KB)
Am reposting KB's comment for everyone's benefit:
"You can also subscribe to threads on the blog and have new messages sent to you via email. Click on the comments, and just below the comment box on the right side is a blue link "Subscribe by email". (You must be signed in to do this.) You'll have to subscribe individually to the blog posts you want to follow, but it makes keeping up with everything SO much easier!
"You can also subscribe to threads on the blog and have new messages sent to you via email. Click on the comments, and just below the comment box on the right side is a blue link "Subscribe by email". (You must be signed in to do this.) You'll have to subscribe individually to the blog posts you want to follow, but it makes keeping up with everything SO much easier!
Am I retarded?
I can't figure out how to post on the Google group. There aren't any "reply" or "edit" buttons. I feel about as technologically adept as my mother.
HELP!
CONFUSED IN CANADA........
So, I have a confession to make....
I know I keep saying I'm holding off on the FET until I lose weight and become more healthier-blah blah blah..Actually, that's only a small reason why I have kept putting it off. The real reason is because I'm scarred, totally freaked out and going out of my mind on what to do. I know a lot of you ladies have done this numerous times only to be heartbroken over and over again and I look up to you ladies and admire your strength to keep going, I just don't think I'm that strong mentally. I'd like to think I am but this whole IF thing has made me feel weak, defeated, drained, helpless, vulnerable, cowardly & intimidated (just to name a few lol) I am afraid of getting disappointed again and having my heart broken. It took me so long to get over my first BFN and I don't know how I will be able to handle another one. Sure my weight has played a part of me getting started but I have been reading up a lot on this and I know that there are some risks but not as bad as many make it out to be. Soooo, I'm even more confused then ever on what to do.
DH and I sat down and had a very long talk this past week-end and he's really pushing me to go forward and do FET now, it's me that's holding us back. So, to keep the peace I decided I will go for FET in May, I'm just worried that I may back out of it with more excuses. I just don't know if I can find the strength to go on if I have another BFN at the end. I'm in a hole and don't know how to get myself out of it. I'm soo stressed, I feel that I am alone and nobody really knows how hard it is but you ladies. It's sad because I'm already setting myself up for disappointment :(
I know I keep saying I'm holding off on the FET until I lose weight and become more healthier-blah blah blah..Actually, that's only a small reason why I have kept putting it off. The real reason is because I'm scarred, totally freaked out and going out of my mind on what to do. I know a lot of you ladies have done this numerous times only to be heartbroken over and over again and I look up to you ladies and admire your strength to keep going, I just don't think I'm that strong mentally. I'd like to think I am but this whole IF thing has made me feel weak, defeated, drained, helpless, vulnerable, cowardly & intimidated (just to name a few lol) I am afraid of getting disappointed again and having my heart broken. It took me so long to get over my first BFN and I don't know how I will be able to handle another one. Sure my weight has played a part of me getting started but I have been reading up a lot on this and I know that there are some risks but not as bad as many make it out to be. Soooo, I'm even more confused then ever on what to do.
DH and I sat down and had a very long talk this past week-end and he's really pushing me to go forward and do FET now, it's me that's holding us back. So, to keep the peace I decided I will go for FET in May, I'm just worried that I may back out of it with more excuses. I just don't know if I can find the strength to go on if I have another BFN at the end. I'm in a hole and don't know how to get myself out of it. I'm soo stressed, I feel that I am alone and nobody really knows how hard it is but you ladies. It's sad because I'm already setting myself up for disappointment :(
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
Tax Deduction for Us Unfortunate Infertiles
KB just reminded me of this so I am reminding you all -- make sure to claim everything you've spent on IF treatment this year, including meds, trips back and forth to the RE (you get 24 cents per mile), even all the money you spent on the stupid pregnancy tests -- it's all deductible if it exceeds 7.5% of your adjusted gross income (we spent over $30K this year, so fuck yeah, we qualify. It would be more than that, even, if I could find the rest of our receipts.).
Here's the link to the IRS publication: http://www.irs.gov/pub/irs-pdf/p502.pdf
Here's the link to the IRS publication: http://www.irs.gov/pub/irs-pdf/p502.pdf
YOU'VE GOT TO BE FUCKING KIDDING.
Okay, so I just called for my fertilization results and I can't believe out of 20 eggs ONLY 5 FERTILIZED!!!
I am so over this. I am going home to cry and eat. This is bullshit.
Hi, girls! I wondered where everyone went...
I don't know the whole story, but I hear it had something to do with the lack of free speech. I know I said some things that would probably get me banned, so I wonder why I can still sign on. Hmmmmm....
So glad you all reconvened here on a site where we can be free to say what we feel.
I have pretty much been staying away from all things fertility-related, b/c I finished 3 IVFs with nothing to account for them, so I was pretty bitter.
I just had my retrieval yesterday for my next cycle. Transfer will be Friday, and I am already feeling the rage from Progesterone. I want to smack something, anything. Preferably a pregnant woman. I am feeling guilty because, after the third time my mom told me to " talk nicely to my grandbaby eggs" I told her I will no longer be discussing my infertility openly with anyone, and I will let her know when I get pregnant. I am tired of her chirping like this is something as easy as going to the store to pick up milk.
Oh, and I could have killed my husband yesterday when he actually complained about all the times he has to whack off in a cup. Are you serious?
I haven't had a chance to read all of the posts yet, but I am sure they will be great!
Nice to be back with you all!
Babywarrior /Becky
Hiding behind the veil of infertility...
I work in retail - a high-end fitness apparel store. I live and work in an area of NYC that is FULLLLL of babies, nannies, Bugaboos and baby bumps (yeah for me). These lovely pregnant women and mothers of infants, as well as Dominican nannies, frequent my store on a daily basis and it wasn't until yesterday that I realized that I am purposefully acting disinterested in their JOY.
I know these pregnant women want me to congratulate them on their baby bumps and comment on how well the groove pants still make them look slender even with their 5 1/2 month teeny tiny bulge. I hear them, while in the fitting rooms, talking about how big their boobs have gotten and how they are so upset that they can't spin 4 times a week anymore. They sport their baby bumps, their 7 carat diamond rings and their perfectly coiffed, side-swept bangs and I can't get them out of my store fast enough.
Then I have to contend with the Stroller-Moms, who have JUST given birth, talk not only about their lactating HUGE boobs, but how they use to be a 2 and now they are a 6 and they so can't wait to loose the baby weight. Their babies are cute, small and foreign to me. The come in sporting the Baby Bjorn, the Camelean Bugaboo, equiped with a Gucci diaper bag and of course beaming from their accomplishment.
I hear these ladies talk about how it's their 2nd or 3rd baby and it was so easy to get pregnant and deliver - one women who just had her third talked about how she has twins that are less than 2 at home and she works full-time. It's a safe assumption that working moms in NYC with 3 babies under 2yo have 1-2 nannies helping them attain their greatness in society - oh, poor them. It's another safe assumption that a women looking like she is in her late 30s/early 40s with 3 babies under 2 did have IVF... but I don't dare make that assumption out loud.
I just blankly stare at them and sometimes I am able to squeeze out a strained smile, but mostly, I find myself wishing that I could do a disappearing act and wake up on a sandy beach with a pina colada in my hand.
What the hell can I say to these women? I don't feel guilty for not joining in the female circle-jerk that occurs in my store, but I feel awkward.... I feel out of place and odd.
Just needed to vent a little because obviously none of these women in my store could stomach my story of my missing baby bump.
I know these pregnant women want me to congratulate them on their baby bumps and comment on how well the groove pants still make them look slender even with their 5 1/2 month teeny tiny bulge. I hear them, while in the fitting rooms, talking about how big their boobs have gotten and how they are so upset that they can't spin 4 times a week anymore. They sport their baby bumps, their 7 carat diamond rings and their perfectly coiffed, side-swept bangs and I can't get them out of my store fast enough.
Then I have to contend with the Stroller-Moms, who have JUST given birth, talk not only about their lactating HUGE boobs, but how they use to be a 2 and now they are a 6 and they so can't wait to loose the baby weight. Their babies are cute, small and foreign to me. The come in sporting the Baby Bjorn, the Camelean Bugaboo, equiped with a Gucci diaper bag and of course beaming from their accomplishment.
I hear these ladies talk about how it's their 2nd or 3rd baby and it was so easy to get pregnant and deliver - one women who just had her third talked about how she has twins that are less than 2 at home and she works full-time. It's a safe assumption that working moms in NYC with 3 babies under 2yo have 1-2 nannies helping them attain their greatness in society - oh, poor them. It's another safe assumption that a women looking like she is in her late 30s/early 40s with 3 babies under 2 did have IVF... but I don't dare make that assumption out loud.
I just blankly stare at them and sometimes I am able to squeeze out a strained smile, but mostly, I find myself wishing that I could do a disappearing act and wake up on a sandy beach with a pina colada in my hand.
What the hell can I say to these women? I don't feel guilty for not joining in the female circle-jerk that occurs in my store, but I feel awkward.... I feel out of place and odd.
Just needed to vent a little because obviously none of these women in my store could stomach my story of my missing baby bump.
Monday, March 8, 2010
Checking in... been away a bit
Sorry I've been away. I've been on an IVF hiatus. No thinking about, reading about or talking about IVF. It's kinda been nice. Looks like I've missed a BUNCH. Sounds like we have some BFP's in our midst. Don't worry gals. I love ya anyways!
So, I got my AF yesterday. First one since D&C 5 1/2 weeks ago. I know it's completely insane, but we had lots of BMS... and I was just hoping...
Also got the results of the genetic testing back from embie. Turns out it was a chromosomal anomoly... and was never a viable pregnancy. They said it was Trisomy 15. I don't know if that makes me feel better or not. Finally get one to stick & it's not good anyways. She told us it was a little girl. That was just really upsetting to me. I wish she wouldn't have told us that. It was a little easier I think when it was an embie & not a girl. Still tearing up think about it.
So, my RE broached the subject of Donor Eggs. Looks like I'm just an all-around poor responder. She didn't say DOR, but she danced around it. Sucks. We went into this thinking we were MF alone & this should be easy... silly us. She said since we did the package deal & have one more try, lets try again with mine, but to keep DE in our thoughts in case it doesn't work. Frankly, if the next try doesn't work, I don't know that we'll try again. Plus, we're just broke financially from all this IVF & there is NO way we can aford the extra for DE's. That said, I was telling my mom & sisters (all great, btw) about it & two of my sisters offered to donate thier eggs. Needless to say, we all had a bawl about how great that was. The benefit is that it would save us some money, but at the same time, it would still be extra cost. Anyways, it's definitely something to think about.
So, I got my AF yesterday. First one since D&C 5 1/2 weeks ago. I know it's completely insane, but we had lots of BMS... and I was just hoping...
Also got the results of the genetic testing back from embie. Turns out it was a chromosomal anomoly... and was never a viable pregnancy. They said it was Trisomy 15. I don't know if that makes me feel better or not. Finally get one to stick & it's not good anyways. She told us it was a little girl. That was just really upsetting to me. I wish she wouldn't have told us that. It was a little easier I think when it was an embie & not a girl. Still tearing up think about it.
So, my RE broached the subject of Donor Eggs. Looks like I'm just an all-around poor responder. She didn't say DOR, but she danced around it. Sucks. We went into this thinking we were MF alone & this should be easy... silly us. She said since we did the package deal & have one more try, lets try again with mine, but to keep DE in our thoughts in case it doesn't work. Frankly, if the next try doesn't work, I don't know that we'll try again. Plus, we're just broke financially from all this IVF & there is NO way we can aford the extra for DE's. That said, I was telling my mom & sisters (all great, btw) about it & two of my sisters offered to donate thier eggs. Needless to say, we all had a bawl about how great that was. The benefit is that it would save us some money, but at the same time, it would still be extra cost. Anyways, it's definitely something to think about.
Sunday, March 7, 2010
This Season on the Real Housewives of Infertility…..
[Picture yourself with big hair, lots of makeup, and slutty clothes then cue the music.]
Can the missing Demold ever be found? Miss Mango eggs on a never-ending stream of catty comments about fertiles and evil sister-in-laws. Jes faces death due to an undiagnosed ectopic….will she survive? Kelsey, Barren-Bipolar, and JPS are overcome with tears and explore alcohol with negative Betas and miscarriages…and there are even rumors of special brownies! Will Lizz get a written apology from the hospital which screwed up ICSI? Raven comes to the realization that her ovaries are not younger than their biological age and starts auditioning young girls to be her “Ovary Angels”. Will Holmes vagazzle herself for her studly GI? She was heard saying “every girl needs a little bling.” Can LAP continue to get everyone to call her “Baroness” now that she is pregnant? BB gets her SISTER pregnant! Have one or more of the girls become drug pushers? Marriages stretched to the breaking point…can they spring back? How wild do the girls get when Kiellara takes them on an alcohol-filled weekend transported by Zeppelin? Is Golde a crack-whore? Has KB started a new religion worshiping Joan? Watch Dotty become part of this cult and experiment with honey, tea, candles and dust….will it work? Was Summer murdered in the bathroom late at night? Are the blobs growing? Will the girls combine their forces to destroy the evil Dave? Watch this season to see!!!
My only excuse is that my depression has led to many too many hours of watching this Bravo Series! My apologies for scarcsm regarding your real situations. This came to me during a dream last night! Feel free to have a cat-fight regarding your role. I’m sure there is some “lost tape” out there for the “Watch What Happens: Reunion Special” ---what do you think the highlights will be?
Can the missing Demold ever be found? Miss Mango eggs on a never-ending stream of catty comments about fertiles and evil sister-in-laws. Jes faces death due to an undiagnosed ectopic….will she survive? Kelsey, Barren-Bipolar, and JPS are overcome with tears and explore alcohol with negative Betas and miscarriages…and there are even rumors of special brownies! Will Lizz get a written apology from the hospital which screwed up ICSI? Raven comes to the realization that her ovaries are not younger than their biological age and starts auditioning young girls to be her “Ovary Angels”. Will Holmes vagazzle herself for her studly GI? She was heard saying “every girl needs a little bling.” Can LAP continue to get everyone to call her “Baroness” now that she is pregnant? BB gets her SISTER pregnant! Have one or more of the girls become drug pushers? Marriages stretched to the breaking point…can they spring back? How wild do the girls get when Kiellara takes them on an alcohol-filled weekend transported by Zeppelin? Is Golde a crack-whore? Has KB started a new religion worshiping Joan? Watch Dotty become part of this cult and experiment with honey, tea, candles and dust….will it work? Was Summer murdered in the bathroom late at night? Are the blobs growing? Will the girls combine their forces to destroy the evil Dave? Watch this season to see!!!
My only excuse is that my depression has led to many too many hours of watching this Bravo Series! My apologies for scarcsm regarding your real situations. This came to me during a dream last night! Feel free to have a cat-fight regarding your role. I’m sure there is some “lost tape” out there for the “Watch What Happens: Reunion Special” ---what do you think the highlights will be?
Tuesday, March 2, 2010
Monday, March 1, 2010
To Adopt or Not To Adopt
So DH and I had some hefty discussions over the weekend. It all started on Friday night. We went to the clubhouse for dinner. It was packed and the staff was nice enough to seat us in a side room. So basically we had it all to ourselves. DH was pondering an initial job offer that had come through which would allow him to work in Atlanta. Somehow during the conversation it turned to whether or not we would do another IVF, donor egg and then it moved to adoption. All of it was good thoughtful conversation until I started bawling like a baby. It just came from out of nowhere. DH was shocked and worried about me. Luckily this happened at the end of the dinner after we had paid and were getting ready to leave. We went home and talked a bit more. I felt better and then we fell fast asleep.
Saturday we didn't really talk about what happened but were very productive and did "10" errands as DH likes to proudly point out. Honestly, he really does need a medal for bouncing around town with me! That night we went to a 40th birthday party in our neighborhood. At the party this couple (who just moved in next door to our friend) walks in and brings their 5 day old little girl who I avoided like the plague. DH spoke with them briefly. He's much stronger than I. Two of our other friends have the cutest 18 month olds. After seeing all this cuteness DH pulls me aside and says, "Maybe we can adopt a baby. I want a baby." So cute & sweet. I wanted to bawl again but maintained my composure since we were at the party.
So DH did some online research this morning and we realized how much it might actually cost to adopt! Holy buckets. Is it really $30k? During the application process do they look at your bank statements, etc.? Should we have more than the $30K in the bank excluding 401K's, IRA's? Anyone know anyone who has gone through this?
Looks like I'll be eating ramen noodles for the next few months to help pad our bank accounts!! Oh, and on a more positive (I think) note...my beta is down to 700 from 5800. My body is getting back to normal faster than I thought it would.
Saturday we didn't really talk about what happened but were very productive and did "10" errands as DH likes to proudly point out. Honestly, he really does need a medal for bouncing around town with me! That night we went to a 40th birthday party in our neighborhood. At the party this couple (who just moved in next door to our friend) walks in and brings their 5 day old little girl who I avoided like the plague. DH spoke with them briefly. He's much stronger than I. Two of our other friends have the cutest 18 month olds. After seeing all this cuteness DH pulls me aside and says, "Maybe we can adopt a baby. I want a baby." So cute & sweet. I wanted to bawl again but maintained my composure since we were at the party.
So DH did some online research this morning and we realized how much it might actually cost to adopt! Holy buckets. Is it really $30k? During the application process do they look at your bank statements, etc.? Should we have more than the $30K in the bank excluding 401K's, IRA's? Anyone know anyone who has gone through this?
Looks like I'll be eating ramen noodles for the next few months to help pad our bank accounts!! Oh, and on a more positive (I think) note...my beta is down to 700 from 5800. My body is getting back to normal faster than I thought it would.
Sunday, February 28, 2010
Am I crazy or just a normal IF?
I was supposed to be having my 3rd beta tomorrow but instead I drove myself straight to my RE's office first thing Thursday morning and demanded one! I've been spotting on an off since before I got my positve results. (TMI alert!) I haven't worried too much because I know that can be normal and it's been very light and more of a brownish and some times pink. Well on Wednesday I noticed that I was having some odd twinges and abdominal pains. Not cramps...but definitely something. It had me a bit worried but I thought I'd wait it out a little while. I went to lunch with some co-workers and by the time I got back I realized that the pains had stopped! I was just thinking too much about it. But then I went to the bathroom and noticed that I was no bleeding. Red. And to top it off the twinges and pains came back.
I immediately ran into an emtpy office and called my RE's office. My nurse asked me questions about what I was feeling and about the bleeding and then continued to reassure me that everything I was telling her was common and to just take it easy, lay down when I got home, drink plenty of water and try not to worry (ha!). She did tell me that if I wanted to I could make an appointment for Thursday or Friday for another beta. They would have done an u/s but it was just too early in the pgncy for them to see anything. I told her that from her reassurances I felt okay about it and if it didn't go away or if it got worse over night I would call them the next day.
Sure enough that night, even though I went straight to the couch and didn't get up for anything until it was time to go to bed, the bleeding got a bit worse. Needless to say the next morning I didn't even bother calling them. I went straight to their office and got there right after they opened.
Thankfully when I got the beta back that afternoon everything was great!! My beta was 989.9. Exactly what it should be!! I felt 100 times better! And that night the bleeding even went back to a brownish spotting. But because my RE was so happy with my beta #'s they decided I didn't need to keep my appointment for another beta on Monday. I'm wishing they would've kept it, especially because I'm bleeding again today. :o( I feel like it's probably nothing again but I just can't help but worry! Is it going to be like this the entire pregnancy?! Or at least 1st trimester?! Do fertiles worry about every little thing like this?
I immediately ran into an emtpy office and called my RE's office. My nurse asked me questions about what I was feeling and about the bleeding and then continued to reassure me that everything I was telling her was common and to just take it easy, lay down when I got home, drink plenty of water and try not to worry (ha!). She did tell me that if I wanted to I could make an appointment for Thursday or Friday for another beta. They would have done an u/s but it was just too early in the pgncy for them to see anything. I told her that from her reassurances I felt okay about it and if it didn't go away or if it got worse over night I would call them the next day.
Sure enough that night, even though I went straight to the couch and didn't get up for anything until it was time to go to bed, the bleeding got a bit worse. Needless to say the next morning I didn't even bother calling them. I went straight to their office and got there right after they opened.
Thankfully when I got the beta back that afternoon everything was great!! My beta was 989.9. Exactly what it should be!! I felt 100 times better! And that night the bleeding even went back to a brownish spotting. But because my RE was so happy with my beta #'s they decided I didn't need to keep my appointment for another beta on Monday. I'm wishing they would've kept it, especially because I'm bleeding again today. :o( I feel like it's probably nothing again but I just can't help but worry! Is it going to be like this the entire pregnancy?! Or at least 1st trimester?! Do fertiles worry about every little thing like this?
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