So DH and I had some hefty discussions over the weekend. It all started on Friday night. We went to the clubhouse for dinner. It was packed and the staff was nice enough to seat us in a side room. So basically we had it all to ourselves. DH was pondering an initial job offer that had come through which would allow him to work in Atlanta. Somehow during the conversation it turned to whether or not we would do another IVF, donor egg and then it moved to adoption. All of it was good thoughtful conversation until I started bawling like a baby. It just came from out of nowhere. DH was shocked and worried about me. Luckily this happened at the end of the dinner after we had paid and were getting ready to leave. We went home and talked a bit more. I felt better and then we fell fast asleep.
Saturday we didn't really talk about what happened but were very productive and did "10" errands as DH likes to proudly point out. Honestly, he really does need a medal for bouncing around town with me! That night we went to a 40th birthday party in our neighborhood. At the party this couple (who just moved in next door to our friend) walks in and brings their 5 day old little girl who I avoided like the plague. DH spoke with them briefly. He's much stronger than I. Two of our other friends have the cutest 18 month olds. After seeing all this cuteness DH pulls me aside and says, "Maybe we can adopt a baby. I want a baby." So cute & sweet. I wanted to bawl again but maintained my composure since we were at the party.
So DH did some online research this morning and we realized how much it might actually cost to adopt! Holy buckets. Is it really $30k? During the application process do they look at your bank statements, etc.? Should we have more than the $30K in the bank excluding 401K's, IRA's? Anyone know anyone who has gone through this?
Looks like I'll be eating ramen noodles for the next few months to help pad our bank accounts!! Oh, and on a more positive (I think) note...my beta is down to 700 from 5800. My body is getting back to normal faster than I thought it would.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
Posts
JPS, it is worst for IF couples to come across babies. We went to shopping this weekend and even the sight of baby clothes... baby GAP, kids GAP, etc made us look at each other... I had such a bad feeling. Can't even fathom how you have felt at that party.
ReplyDeleteJPS - I 'googled' adoption a while back, and tried to make sense of everything too, and yes, I saw figures from $30k - $50k - OMG. Then, I saw some other figures about age, and for some adoption agencies, if one person is older than 45, they will not consider you. That is a big problem for us, I am 35 and DH is 47.
ReplyDeleteSince my ectoptics, I have not researched any further, but I am interested in what anyone else may know...
That's exactly what has been turning me and the hubby off from adoption. It makes us feel like we're "buying" a baby. Embryo adoption is much the same except you carry the child (not sure if that's possible for you). I think it's about $4K for the adoption and then the cost of a FET. You apply and the parents pick you and it can be an open adoption much like adopting a baby. Usually the parents have children that would be biologically identical to yours so I can imagine that's why they would want to stay in touch. I think if our IVF fails then we may consider that. Or foster-to-adopt
ReplyDeleteWe've thought about adoption, too, if our FET doesn't work out. I've heard of adoption grants (I have a friend on FB who got one), but I don't know what that means - pays for all of it, some of it, what if you make "too much" to qualify, etc? There's also tax credits, but I'm not sure how much. I thought I've read of some agencies w/ flat rates of around $12,000 but I'm not sure.
ReplyDeleteIt all seems overwhelming and so not fair that IFs have to consider the cost when just trying to become parents. Good luck and great question!
i think i posted on FT once about The Cradle...that's the agency I looked at. Ridiculous. I know they do a lot to make sure every party is prepared. And tons of paperwork, I'm sure. But, jeez, 25-30K? Who has that? And that's not even a guarantee. I'm sure there are a fair amount of people that give their baby up for adoption...but is it really that many? I am certain there are more of us considering adoption compared to those considering giving up their baby. I come across this rarely, and I'm an OB! Granted I may not have the patient population that considers this but still. I think embryo adoption sounds like an awesome idea. Or donor egg if they're really worried that your eggs are bad. Or try one more fresh cycle and do CGH to see if there are normal embryos. Lots of waiting and potential heartache in that one. I know it's hard to go thru yet another IVF cycle when you've had 2 BFN's...but I don't think your situation is hopeless. How many eggs did they retrieve each time? I think if you're looking for the FASTEST way to get a baby, I'd go w/donor egg or embryo adoption. I don't think I rememember you having any uterus probs. Good luck with all this decision making...
ReplyDeleteSo I talked with a friend of a friend yesterday. They have recently adopted a baby boy. She said they used a facilitator whose fee was about $2,400. She says the facilitator was worth every penny. The facilitator is like a consultant who helps you step by step through the entire process. Starting with your needs, budget, timeline, etc. The facilitator then suggests several agencies for you to apply to. The friend ended up adopting out of Oklahoma. When it was all said and done their adoption was $35k total. She did talk about the $12,000 tax credit but I am still unsure what happens to that if you make too much money.
ReplyDeleteThis friend had multiple failed IUIs and a failed IVF and figured that adoption was a 100% guarantee. They were afraid of continuing to spend a never ending amount on something that had no guarantee at all. They did a home equity loan to afford the adoption. Although this is fine for a lot of people, DH & I are adamently against borrowing to adopt. It's just not for us. We want to have the money up front.
She also talked about another friend who used another facilitator in town and then used an adoption attorney in GA. She thinks it was less money than what they paid. She mentioned that people generally don't like to adopt in GA because it has a 10 business day wait period in which the birthmother can change her mind after she signs. Can you imagine caring for a baby for 10 days and it getting taken away?!
We've read so many stories about donor egg not working despite the woman having a great uterus. I am worried we would pay $12k for the donor egg process and then just be out that money if it doesn't work. That's why I am kind of iffy on the process. I think it would, though, be great to carry a child and DH can have some genetic link to it.
bbchi: We don't know if my eggs are "bad" yet. Hopefully the D&C will be able to shed some light on that. We have our consult on this March 18th. So far my uterus is fantastic. Lining is always good. We have done 1 IUI, 1 IVF converted to IUI (only 3 eggs) and 1 IVF (4 eggs, 2 retrieved, 1 was old and 1 fertilized, BFN). The natural pregnancy was promising but because I MC between 6 & 8 weeks we're wondering if the egg was bad. I am not opposed to doing another IVF but knowing we only ever get 3-4 eggs it makes me think IUI or natural is our best option. Then I think if it took 1.5 years for a natural to happen, it could take another 1.5 years for it to happen again. Just keep thinking time is not on our side right now. I am 36 and DH is 39. And JES, I am worried about the age thing and want to adopt before DH is 40. Really worried some agencies will cut us off because of his age.
JPS - It's seems like yet another bitter pill to swallow that after years of trying naturally, then years of trying w/ ART, we become too 'old' to adopt. Who's checking in on the older couples who get pg naturally...
ReplyDeleteJPS-the few things I know about adoption are that a lot of agencies collect outrageous (15k on average) "finders fees". This is sickening to me. Proves its more about money than helping. And in florida, the waiting period is only 48 hours. So, by the time the baby is released from the hospital, it is usually a done deal.
ReplyDeleteI've heard lots of stories about adopting in Florida and that seems to be the way to go. Especially since we're so close (GA). DH and I are saving like mad right now and then when we have the full lot of what we think it might cost we'll proceed. In the mean time we have to decide whether or not to do another IVF. I have the insurance coverage so why not, right?
ReplyDeleteHey... sorry I've been MIA. Had to take a mental sanity break from everything IVF... We've had the serious adoption talk too... and then researched & found the same $$ numbers you found. That just makes me ill. It really does feel like you're buying a baby. We researched international adoptions & that's just as if not more expensive. The only route that doesn't cost an arm & a leg is to go through the foster system, but then you're going to get an older child. We've definitely discussed that option. We try to keep it light... like joking that that way you don't have the sleepless nights with an infant, but really in my heart I want a baby... You're in my thoughts. At least we know there are other gals going through the same thing!
ReplyDeleteMomsie
Momsie and Jes, It does totally feel like you're buying a baby - and that it cannot be legal. It just seems wrong. It's like a legalized black market for babies. Seems to me like they should charge a flat fee or an hourly feel like lawyers do except not as much since they likely do not have a masters degree if even one at all. But, even then you never know how they are billing. I worked at a law firm for a bit and it was so silly how they billed - 2 seconds on the phone was 7 minutes of billed time. It really adds up.
ReplyDeleteAnother weird thing I have seen is that the birth mothers are requesting crazy things like a clothing alowance to buy maternity clothes or $5k as expense money - what expenses do they have above and beyond what they normally do? Seriously! And this $5k excludes the medical expenses you have to pay for sometimes. But, we're still considering it and saving like mad.
Momsie - you're always in my thoughts! I am thankful to have met you even if it's only on these blogs! You're in ours as well.
Adoption is crazy expensive! DH and I have been talking about it and he basically doesn't want to do it b/c we can't afford another loan.
ReplyDeleteThe whole thing pisses me off. They say this is all non-profit, so where does that money go??? It's a racket.