So, I have a confession to make....
I know I keep saying I'm holding off on the FET until I lose weight and become more healthier-blah blah blah..Actually, that's only a small reason why I have kept putting it off. The real reason is because I'm scarred, totally freaked out and going out of my mind on what to do. I know a lot of you ladies have done this numerous times only to be heartbroken over and over again and I look up to you ladies and admire your strength to keep going, I just don't think I'm that strong mentally. I'd like to think I am but this whole IF thing has made me feel weak, defeated, drained, helpless, vulnerable, cowardly & intimidated (just to name a few lol) I am afraid of getting disappointed again and having my heart broken. It took me so long to get over my first BFN and I don't know how I will be able to handle another one. Sure my weight has played a part of me getting started but I have been reading up a lot on this and I know that there are some risks but not as bad as many make it out to be. Soooo, I'm even more confused then ever on what to do.
DH and I sat down and had a very long talk this past week-end and he's really pushing me to go forward and do FET now, it's me that's holding us back. So, to keep the peace I decided I will go for FET in May, I'm just worried that I may back out of it with more excuses. I just don't know if I can find the strength to go on if I have another BFN at the end. I'm in a hole and don't know how to get myself out of it. I'm soo stressed, I feel that I am alone and nobody really knows how hard it is but you ladies. It's sad because I'm already setting myself up for disappointment :(
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I understand your fear. This process and the difficult negatives are mentally devastating. Unfortunately, there are no guarantees the FET will be successful. I didn't have a lot of hope my 3rd IVF cycle would work. However, I looked at the situation differently. I knew I wouldn't get pregnant if I didn't try another cycle. By trying again, I was actually doing something to give me a chance to get pregnant. Try not to let your fear of another BFN get in the way of a chance for a BFP.
ReplyDeleteI totally understand the fear. Right now I am dreading tomorrow's transfer and the impending 2ww like a prisoner dreads the Long Walk. I am positive this won't work, and I don't want to put myself through it again.
ReplyDeleteBut.... we have to. Like sillydotty said, you won't get pregnant unless you try. I wish someone could sedate me for the next two weeks and wake me up after the Beta test.
Hugs, Krissy. I have a feeling that you are stronger than you think you are. BFNs are depressing, but we have each other. We're here for you. I think sometimes the longer we wait to cycle, the harder it gets... I'm really starting to dread my next cycle and this is the longest I've ever taken a break. When I was racing through cycles last year, it wasn't that hard... less time to think about it.
ReplyDeleteI'm with ya. The way you feel is the way I felt for the 2nd & 3rd cycles. The good news is that when you're already down & a little (ok sometimes a lot) cynical, that you tend to not get your hopes up... and I think that helped me with my non-success.
ReplyDeleteOn another note, start a diet/exercise plan now! You've got 2 months. I say that because we've decided to do a vacation in May (when you're talking about a FET). We're doing a cruise & frankly, I'm 20 lbs heavier than I've ever been. I have a huge "baby bump" without having any reason for it except for the emotional eating, cravings & horomones that 3 IVF's gave me last year! The thought of me in shorts makes me shudder... let alone a bathing suit!!! AAAAH! So... I've decided that before May 11th (the day we leave) I'm going to loose 20 lbs. That sounds like a bunch, but it's 2.5 lbs a week which I think is what they say is healthy. So, today is South Beach diet day #1. The added benefit is after our cruise we'll be doing IVF try #4 so I'll feel lighter & healthier for it. So... all that to say, if you want a weight loss buddy, I'm in!
I thought I was the only one who would start dreading walking in to the clinic on day 3 of AF each time. You start getting used to living a normal life, then you have to go to the special ed classes again. Ultimately, I force myself to go b/c I say to myself: do you want to get pregnant? Yes? Ok, then you have no choice. Man up and go. And yes, I say that out loud to myself as I'm sitting on the bus.
ReplyDeleteThanks girls, I really needed to hear that. It's true, if I keep sitting here sulking I will NEVER get pregnant which is why I started this.
ReplyDeleteMomsie, I agree with eating healthy and exercise. I actually started walking this week everyday so that's a start for me. I told myself that I'm not aiming at losing weight (even though I probably will) I'm just trying to get myself into a more healthy living so that my body is preparred for FET. If you have any tips, feel free to share them with me (esp. meals). I find it hard when I'm at work, esp. when everyone eats out almost everyday...
Krissy,
ReplyDeleteI am so with you. I am about 40-50 lbs overweight and over 40. A double whammy. My RE is very judgemental about weight. He is one of those perfect people who probably doesn't understand why I can't just stop putting food in my mouth.
The stress of wanting to lose weight has caused me to do the opposite. Well actually I lost a bit but now I am where I started. We just got back from a cruise last week. Hello buffet and dessert every night!
I too think what's the point - RE says weight is a big factor. But as my friends say - don't you see fat people with babies all the time? And yes - I do. I was almost a little relieved when my m/c and methotrexate made me take 2 more months off from ttc. I want a baby so bad, but don't know if I can go through these emotions over and over again. A BFN from an IVF and a m/c after a miraculous au natural (one tube, sperm issues and age). I have two close friends who both went through the same thing at 40 and they were not successful. I know it can happen and everyone sayd, "why not you"? but I can't get my hopes up. I start stimming again on 4/11. I'm excited, scared, anxious (slept 4 hours last night), freaked and overwhelmed. You are not alone. Want a weight loss buddy?
rie
i too am forcing myself through this crap because the harsh reality is NO PAIN, NO GAIN. it's not going to come easy for us - and we just have to keep plowing ahead. in terms of healthy eating - here are just a few things that i eat that might help.
ReplyDeleteBreakfast: 1 egg white and 1 piece of organic american cheese on whole wheat english muffin. you can cook the egg white in the microwave in a small bowl so it's fast and there's no oil.
Lunch - if i HAVE to eat fast and cheap, i go to taco bell and get their "Fresco bean burrito". It's 340 calories and has fiber and veggies and tastes good.
Dinner - i usually will cook at home now - fish or chicken. I usually try to bake as it cuts down on oil. Side dishes are wild rice medley and a salad or other vegetable like asparagus or broccoli. a favorite way for me to cook broccoli or any other veggie is to broil it: cut up the broccoli and toss w/ small amount of olive oil, sea salt and pepper. spread it out on a baking dish or cookie tray and then broil until lightly crispy and cooked. SO GOOD.
Start now and you'll be in good shape by the time you do your FET. GOOD LUCK!!
http://www.amazon.com/Fully-Fertile-12-Week-Holistic-Fertility/dp/1844091244/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1268352516&sr=8-1
ReplyDeleteI read this book when I got really down about IF and wanted to change things in my life. I'm not super overweight but I had packed on about 10lbs. Eating natural/non-processed stuff made that weight come off. my husband and I also recently did this "cleanse" which really wasn't a cleanse. It was in Glamour.
http://www.glamour.com/bbg/2010/nutrition/healthy-eating/week1
DH who's the worst eater lost 10lbs in one week.
As for giving up on your baby dream, try not to do it unless you can really say to yourself that you don't want kids, are OK without kids, enjoy your life better without kids/responsibilities. If you're having a hard time with the disappointment, anxiety, fear, etc. (let's face it, who of us isn't)...maybe try counseling to get you through some of that or to teach you ways to cope with that. Good luck w/your decision.
I am in the same boat!! I am freakin out about doing another FET. So much has gone wrong with our cycles that I may not know what good news feels like, let alone sounds like.
ReplyDeleteI too gained the lovely "IVF-20" and finally, after 2 years of this BS, I am down to where I use to be long before the madness. It took a lot of exercise, eating better, and a TON of psycho-therapy.
I will be cycling May-ish and if you are too, know that I will be walking right beside you and will support you anyway I can.
This is a very difficult road and one none of us should ever walk alone!!!
You girls are amazing...It's nice to know I'm not alone with my feelings.
ReplyDeleteYes girls, I would love to have a weight loss buddy, We should start a new post here and do weekly updates/tips and stuff like that. Or if there's another way we could do it let me know, I'm not the nest at getting things started so any help would be nice. I know Momsie and Rie are in...Who else??
Pemmi-Thanks for the quick tips, nice to hear what other ideas people have. esp when you keep having the same old thing day after day...
Today I had oatmeal with yogurt and granola (not together obviously lol)
Lunch-tuna salad on a whole wheat pita with lettuce, red peppers and cucumbers and ranch dressing
Dinner-Grilled chicken with rice and veggies.
This will be my first day of real healthy eating so we shall see how it goes!!
Thanks BBCHI-I just placed the order for the book lol. I should get it 7-11 days. I love reading so it will be nice to have a good book to relate to. Thanks again!!
ReplyDeleteBaby Bump Bound- Glad to know your cycling in May, I think I have my mind made up. I need to fight forward and remember why I started this in the first place. Are you doing FET? I will be doing a natural FET so I'm a little unsure how it all plays out!!
ReplyDeleteGlad to have you walking beside me ;)
hello ladies, looks like I'll be May too due to our finances being too crap for April. I have at least 15lbs I need to lose. So, I'm in! If we're all in the Google Group, we could just start a 'ballast removal' (that's what we call weight in the airship biz) thread there and post the best recipes and updates here for our more public audience!
ReplyDelete