* * Hope your US is going/will go/has gone well. * *
Saturday, May 22, 2010
Thursday, May 13, 2010
Checking in...
Hey. Ok so I know I haven't been around in forever except for one random I hate mother's day post. My new job is going great. I'm delivering medicines for pharmacies to nursing homes. I run a regular route that leaves at 7 at night & depending on which route I have, I'm usually home by midnight. Then I also get calls during the day (and sometimes at night) for emergency deliveries. I've worked every night since I got the job 3 weeks ago except for last night. I don't mind working that much though because I'm really enjoying the job & we can use the cash. I just hop in the car & turn on my music & sing really loud & go. It's actually fun.
Anyways, we leave for our vacation tomorrow. Yay! My goal was to loose 20 lbs by the time we left, but I always said I'd be very happy with anything over 10. So... the final total is... drumroll... 14 lbs. lost. Yay! I'm so excited! I feel so much better. I've been getting lots of compliments in the last 2 weeks with everyone noticing how much I've lost. Makes me happy. It helps that I have this new job & I'm ALWAYS on the go... so I don't have time for snacking. I think that was my biggest issue. Also, I've been trying to stick with the South Beach thing as much as possible.
So, when we get back, it looks like we'll try our one last cycle. If it doesn't work, I think we may look at adoption, but we may just decide to try to enjoy our freedom & not think about kids anymore. I know this is weird to say (but aren't we all just slightly off anyways???), but I'm going to be ovulating during our vacation. Maybe??? Just wishful thinking... Wish I could quit doing that.
Anyways, I love all you gals. I'm off to do some packing & last minute cleaning... We have a friend coming to stay with our 4 furry kids while we're gone so I want the house to be nice for her!
Anyways, we leave for our vacation tomorrow. Yay! My goal was to loose 20 lbs by the time we left, but I always said I'd be very happy with anything over 10. So... the final total is... drumroll... 14 lbs. lost. Yay! I'm so excited! I feel so much better. I've been getting lots of compliments in the last 2 weeks with everyone noticing how much I've lost. Makes me happy. It helps that I have this new job & I'm ALWAYS on the go... so I don't have time for snacking. I think that was my biggest issue. Also, I've been trying to stick with the South Beach thing as much as possible.
So, when we get back, it looks like we'll try our one last cycle. If it doesn't work, I think we may look at adoption, but we may just decide to try to enjoy our freedom & not think about kids anymore. I know this is weird to say (but aren't we all just slightly off anyways???), but I'm going to be ovulating during our vacation. Maybe??? Just wishful thinking... Wish I could quit doing that.
Anyways, I love all you gals. I'm off to do some packing & last minute cleaning... We have a friend coming to stay with our 4 furry kids while we're gone so I want the house to be nice for her!
Wednesday, May 12, 2010
HOLY BATSHIT! I'M PREGGO!
Okay, so I am still in shock...
I just took two pregnancy tests and I FINALLY saw two lines. NEVER, EVER have I seen two lines before.
But, I am soooooo crampy. Like I am going to start AF any minute. This is crazy. How in God's name am I pregnant WITHOUT IVF??????
OMG. I just had to share the news with someone. Right now, I think I am going to have a stroke. I want to post it on Facebook, I am sooooo excited. But, it is too early for that. I haven't even had a Beta test, yet.
But two lines. Holy smokes....
Tuesday, May 11, 2010
I'm getting my hopes up... Very dangerous!
Hey, girls. I need you all to reign me in a bit. BTW, sorry I haven't been around. I have been trying to focus on me, my weight loss, etc... Also, my father-in-law died a few weeks ago, so that took up lots of time and energy.
So... I am now 21 days late for my period...yikes. My period is always a few days late (I run on a 30 to 36 day cycle), but I always get one.
The weird thing is, I have been getting cramps (especially after I run), irritability, tiredness: Classic PMS for me. Except it has been going on for a week!
Now, I am 99.9% sure I am not pregnant. How could I be? After 4 IVFs and a bunch of IUIs, in which the environment was as perfect as you can get it, why would I spontaneously get pregnant on my own?
I am trying not to get my hopes up. Could this be because I have been exercising more lately? (Though I have not done anything the past two days b/c I am totally wiped out.)
Sunday, May 9, 2010
I hate mothers day
Ok so I haven't been around in a while. Been super busy with new job. So I know it's random that I just pop in to say I hate mothers day, but I think you gals are the only ones that will know.... I mean really know... What I mean. I love my mother. I hate mothers day.
Saturday, May 8, 2010
To You, Oh World of Fertiles, On Mother's Day
Read this CNN blog post from Nia Vardalos, the star of the hilarious "My Big Fat Greek Wedding."
http://ac360.blogs.cnn.com/2010/05/07/if-you-dont-have-anything-nice-to-say-on-mothers-day/?hpt=C2
If you don't have anything nice to say on Mother's Day...
Nia Vardalos
Actress/Writer/Director
On May 9th, overpriced flower arrangements will brighten homes, and restaurants will serve multi-calorie brunches. Reminders will be whispered: “hey, be nice to your mom for a minute.”
Sure, Mother’s Day feels a tad manufactured. But if I can get a gift out of this bogus holiday, I’ll take it. Admittedly, I am a giddy idiot on Mother’s Day. I’m also a hypocrite because for a long time I avoided the day as hard as I could. Just the drugstore greeting card rack would make me queasy. I loathed May.
For years, at Spring social gatherings, some women would innocently ask why we didn’t have children. Others would overhear and exclaim what a great father my husband would be, so why on earth didn’t we have kids? When I would give a tight-lipped answer: “we’re trying,” they would not go silent.
They meant well, but they would loudly persist with up-beat advice: stories of this sister or that friend who had tried forever, and then a “miracle” had happened. Others would overhear, and join in. I would instantly feel forehead, upper lip, and low back-sweat from the sudden attention. All I’d wanted was a snack. Now, crudite in hand, I was up against the food table, being advised by pretty, chipper moms bouncing beautiful, pudgy babies on their hips.
A lot of “You Should” advice came my way. From the “latest technique in Europe,” to “just adopt from China” – everyone weighed in. I understood it all came from them wanting to help. It was meant with goodwill. But it was a painful, overwhelming subject for me. I just wanted to throw dip in the air and run. Those were the nice women. Some women were, um, well… they were turds.
The success of my first movie coincided with some awful events in my quest to be a mom. I’ll keep the details private, but quite frankly, it sucked. I was emotionally and physically exhausted.
During this time, I would run into The Coven – a group of not-nice-women. These women had, at one time, been actresses. Now they were married to men in the film industry, or their husbands were in our social circle. They made me nervous.
We all know the type of woman I’m talking about here: the ones who say nasty things to women. The Coven seemed stymied by the fact that they were not working actresses and I, far less attractive, appealing and talented than them, was. Often, I can tell when I walk in a room how people feel about themselves. To the optimist, I represent hope of what is possible. But to the pessimist, I represent the stench of their own perceived failure. I will be the first to admit, wow, I stepped into some good fortune with my first movie. I don’t consider myself particularly special. I got lucky. These women would wholeheartedly agree with my assessment of myself. Sadly, they were not secure women. When they saw me, their mascara’d eyes would shoot daggers at my skull.
Now, as the gossip leaked out that I was struggling to have a child, while these women were on their second and third – they realized they had something over me. They could breed. And I couldn’t.
So, at a casual backyard barbecue, where all were invited to celebrate Mother’s Day, the women of The Coven would surround me, the barren one, to squeal about how “amaaaaazing” their pregnancies had been. How their husbands had looked at them with “awe and gratitude” as they gave birth. How breastfeeding was a “gift.” One woman actually made fun of my anatomy while proclaiming how her body worked “perfectly.” It was sad how they needed to make me feel inadequate, and yes it hurt. And sure, I could have innocently asked: “…did pregnancy hormones grow your moustache, or did you have it before?” But I didn’t. Not because I was so evolved and took the high road… nope, I was scared of them so I would escape as quickly as I could.
Women like this are missing out on real female friendships. Okay, maybe it’s just shoe shopping and cellulite talk, but I value it. I was happy for these women who got to be moms. Why couldn’t they just be kind? It was Mother’s Day after all.
No matter where I went on this day, I was an easy target. If I drank anything non-alcoholic, there were women who would pat my tummy and say “when are you due?” A small social guideline: don’t ask a woman if she is pregnant, unless her water breaks on your flip-flops, a baby arm dangles out of her vagina and she asks you to cut the cord. Then, and only then, may you ask if she is having a baby. Otherwise, shut up.
So, for years, I avoided venturing out on Mother’s Day. I feared the entire day and the feeling of failure it would bring. I would call my sisters, sister-in-law and mom on that day and wish them well. They had the grace and kind-heartedness to never admonish me for not trying this technique, or that plan. My sweet family and my good kind friends never pried. They would always listen when I asked for advice, or when I lost it after the latest route or adoption had fallen through. One good friend even quietly handed me a prayer card.
My own mother is kind, compassionate, ironic, focused, optimistic and above all, discreet. Sadly, some of our friends have lost their mothers. I am thankful for every day I have with mine. My mom possesses all the values I cherish and look for in my friendships and relationships.
And, when my husband and I told our family and friends we’d been matched with our perfect daughter through American Foster Care – their elation was profoundly moving. They welcomed our then three-year-old daughter with a joy and happiness that was beyond anything I could have imagined. There is no limit to the amount of attention, kindness and warmth our families and friends - the “aunties” and “uncles” - shower on our daughter. Over a year later, she is thriving in an environment of love and care.
Some of these people are not parents. Often, at parties, especially on Mother’s Day, these friends and family are the target of the well-meaning questions or downright spiteful comments I myself once endured.
Please, on Mother’s Day, have some compassion. If you see someone without kids, do not ask them why they don’t have children, why they don’t just adopt, or if they are pregnant. Please be kind. Be quiet and pass the dip.
I am writing this for the friends and family who listened, didn’t pry, and above all stuck with me on my quest to be a mom. If I am happy on May 9th, it’s largely because of these people’s quiet empathy and unending encouragement. And, if I am happy on this day, it’s because I am in love with being a mom and so grateful for the circumstances, as painful as they were, that led me to my wonderful daughter. Happy Mother’s Day everyone. I hope you buy some flowers, eat a fattening brunch, and laugh all day.
Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’d like to go call my mom.
Editor's Note: Nia Vardalos is the National Adoption Day Spokesperson
May is National Foster Care Month. There are 500,000 children in American Foster Care waiting for a family. 129,000 are legally available for adoption. U.S. Foster Care does not discriminate against potential parents for reasons of income, age, marital status or sexual orientation, and is virtually cost-free.
http://ac360.blogs.cnn.com/2010/05/07/if-you-dont-have-anything-nice-to-say-on-mothers-day/?hpt=C2
If you don't have anything nice to say on Mother's Day...
Nia Vardalos
Actress/Writer/Director
On May 9th, overpriced flower arrangements will brighten homes, and restaurants will serve multi-calorie brunches. Reminders will be whispered: “hey, be nice to your mom for a minute.”
Sure, Mother’s Day feels a tad manufactured. But if I can get a gift out of this bogus holiday, I’ll take it. Admittedly, I am a giddy idiot on Mother’s Day. I’m also a hypocrite because for a long time I avoided the day as hard as I could. Just the drugstore greeting card rack would make me queasy. I loathed May.
For years, at Spring social gatherings, some women would innocently ask why we didn’t have children. Others would overhear and exclaim what a great father my husband would be, so why on earth didn’t we have kids? When I would give a tight-lipped answer: “we’re trying,” they would not go silent.
They meant well, but they would loudly persist with up-beat advice: stories of this sister or that friend who had tried forever, and then a “miracle” had happened. Others would overhear, and join in. I would instantly feel forehead, upper lip, and low back-sweat from the sudden attention. All I’d wanted was a snack. Now, crudite in hand, I was up against the food table, being advised by pretty, chipper moms bouncing beautiful, pudgy babies on their hips.
A lot of “You Should” advice came my way. From the “latest technique in Europe,” to “just adopt from China” – everyone weighed in. I understood it all came from them wanting to help. It was meant with goodwill. But it was a painful, overwhelming subject for me. I just wanted to throw dip in the air and run. Those were the nice women. Some women were, um, well… they were turds.
The success of my first movie coincided with some awful events in my quest to be a mom. I’ll keep the details private, but quite frankly, it sucked. I was emotionally and physically exhausted.
During this time, I would run into The Coven – a group of not-nice-women. These women had, at one time, been actresses. Now they were married to men in the film industry, or their husbands were in our social circle. They made me nervous.
We all know the type of woman I’m talking about here: the ones who say nasty things to women. The Coven seemed stymied by the fact that they were not working actresses and I, far less attractive, appealing and talented than them, was. Often, I can tell when I walk in a room how people feel about themselves. To the optimist, I represent hope of what is possible. But to the pessimist, I represent the stench of their own perceived failure. I will be the first to admit, wow, I stepped into some good fortune with my first movie. I don’t consider myself particularly special. I got lucky. These women would wholeheartedly agree with my assessment of myself. Sadly, they were not secure women. When they saw me, their mascara’d eyes would shoot daggers at my skull.
Now, as the gossip leaked out that I was struggling to have a child, while these women were on their second and third – they realized they had something over me. They could breed. And I couldn’t.
So, at a casual backyard barbecue, where all were invited to celebrate Mother’s Day, the women of The Coven would surround me, the barren one, to squeal about how “amaaaaazing” their pregnancies had been. How their husbands had looked at them with “awe and gratitude” as they gave birth. How breastfeeding was a “gift.” One woman actually made fun of my anatomy while proclaiming how her body worked “perfectly.” It was sad how they needed to make me feel inadequate, and yes it hurt. And sure, I could have innocently asked: “…did pregnancy hormones grow your moustache, or did you have it before?” But I didn’t. Not because I was so evolved and took the high road… nope, I was scared of them so I would escape as quickly as I could.
Women like this are missing out on real female friendships. Okay, maybe it’s just shoe shopping and cellulite talk, but I value it. I was happy for these women who got to be moms. Why couldn’t they just be kind? It was Mother’s Day after all.
No matter where I went on this day, I was an easy target. If I drank anything non-alcoholic, there were women who would pat my tummy and say “when are you due?” A small social guideline: don’t ask a woman if she is pregnant, unless her water breaks on your flip-flops, a baby arm dangles out of her vagina and she asks you to cut the cord. Then, and only then, may you ask if she is having a baby. Otherwise, shut up.
So, for years, I avoided venturing out on Mother’s Day. I feared the entire day and the feeling of failure it would bring. I would call my sisters, sister-in-law and mom on that day and wish them well. They had the grace and kind-heartedness to never admonish me for not trying this technique, or that plan. My sweet family and my good kind friends never pried. They would always listen when I asked for advice, or when I lost it after the latest route or adoption had fallen through. One good friend even quietly handed me a prayer card.
My own mother is kind, compassionate, ironic, focused, optimistic and above all, discreet. Sadly, some of our friends have lost their mothers. I am thankful for every day I have with mine. My mom possesses all the values I cherish and look for in my friendships and relationships.
And, when my husband and I told our family and friends we’d been matched with our perfect daughter through American Foster Care – their elation was profoundly moving. They welcomed our then three-year-old daughter with a joy and happiness that was beyond anything I could have imagined. There is no limit to the amount of attention, kindness and warmth our families and friends - the “aunties” and “uncles” - shower on our daughter. Over a year later, she is thriving in an environment of love and care.
Some of these people are not parents. Often, at parties, especially on Mother’s Day, these friends and family are the target of the well-meaning questions or downright spiteful comments I myself once endured.
Please, on Mother’s Day, have some compassion. If you see someone without kids, do not ask them why they don’t have children, why they don’t just adopt, or if they are pregnant. Please be kind. Be quiet and pass the dip.
I am writing this for the friends and family who listened, didn’t pry, and above all stuck with me on my quest to be a mom. If I am happy on May 9th, it’s largely because of these people’s quiet empathy and unending encouragement. And, if I am happy on this day, it’s because I am in love with being a mom and so grateful for the circumstances, as painful as they were, that led me to my wonderful daughter. Happy Mother’s Day everyone. I hope you buy some flowers, eat a fattening brunch, and laugh all day.
Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’d like to go call my mom.
Editor's Note: Nia Vardalos is the National Adoption Day Spokesperson
May is National Foster Care Month. There are 500,000 children in American Foster Care waiting for a family. 129,000 are legally available for adoption. U.S. Foster Care does not discriminate against potential parents for reasons of income, age, marital status or sexual orientation, and is virtually cost-free.
Tuesday, April 27, 2010
You guys MUST check out this video!!!!
I have been reading a lot of blogs this week in honoe of NIAW and I came across this post: http://hannahweptsarahlaughed.blogspot.com/
It was so moving, I had to share!
It's amazing how infertility has brought so many of us, both near and far, together.
It was so moving, I had to share!
It's amazing how infertility has brought so many of us, both near and far, together.
Monday, April 19, 2010
Baby steps (no not an actual baby)
I am starting on my new IVF cycle! Without my blasted period! The doc scanned me and did b/w and u/s, and decided I could start on the bcp as my body is still all sorts of confused from my canceled cycle. The good news is no cysts!
So here I am. I will be on bcp until 5/7. (Anyone else cycling any time near then?) And hopefully will be able to start stims on 5/10...
I will be doing the Antagonist cycle for the first time. I also will be using only Menopur as a stim, which is new and different.
Feeling nauseated and cursing the bcp, but only a tiny bit, as they are a means to an end.
I have a little bit of hope, but you know, it's not like I am shopping for onesies or anything.
So here I am. I will be on bcp until 5/7. (Anyone else cycling any time near then?) And hopefully will be able to start stims on 5/10...
I will be doing the Antagonist cycle for the first time. I also will be using only Menopur as a stim, which is new and different.
Feeling nauseated and cursing the bcp, but only a tiny bit, as they are a means to an end.
I have a little bit of hope, but you know, it's not like I am shopping for onesies or anything.
Thursday, April 15, 2010
Iron deficiency and infertility
Hey girls,
More advice please....
I went to GP yesterday and iron level came back as being 13 (norm range 15-200) which means I am iron deficient. When I did bloods 18 months ago I was 14 so GP told me to take a supplement, which I did every day, but it obviously has not worked seen as I am worse now than I was before. Now I have started with a "proper" iron medication ie from a pharmacy not a herbal store.
So of course I got straight home and started the google search for a link b/w iron deficiency and infertility. There seems to be some link however everything seems to be. I swear there will be a study soon on finding a link b/w farting and infertility. Oh and I found info about iron deficiency and heart palpitations (once again link b/w everything on google). No wonder I feel like I have no energy all the time.
Does anyone have info for me?
More advice please....
I went to GP yesterday and iron level came back as being 13 (norm range 15-200) which means I am iron deficient. When I did bloods 18 months ago I was 14 so GP told me to take a supplement, which I did every day, but it obviously has not worked seen as I am worse now than I was before. Now I have started with a "proper" iron medication ie from a pharmacy not a herbal store.
So of course I got straight home and started the google search for a link b/w iron deficiency and infertility. There seems to be some link however everything seems to be. I swear there will be a study soon on finding a link b/w farting and infertility. Oh and I found info about iron deficiency and heart palpitations (once again link b/w everything on google). No wonder I feel like I have no energy all the time.
Does anyone have info for me?
Gardasil and Infertility?
Hey, girls!
Recently, someone mentioned something to me about the link between Gardasil (HPV vaccine) and autoimmune disorders, and I immediately became nervous because, back in college, I had been part of the clinical trials for that vaccine. I was not ever told whether I had the placebo or the real deal, but I have had autoimmune problems that presented about 4 years after I completed the study.
I had been wondering if the vaccine could also cause infertility, and I wondered if anyone has heard anything concerning this. If you ask Dr. Google, it is a possibility.
Wednesday, April 14, 2010
Introducing Paranoid Petunia...
I think I have an alter ego. A mixture of crazy and stripper it sounds like but I like the name anyway.
So here is what is going on.... I am booked to have my hysteroscopy next Wed to check out what is going on in my uterus. Seen as it is not doing what it should... ie allow an embryo to implant and grow! However I keep having paranoid dreams about seeing myself hooked up to a ventilator with doctors talking over me. Now that's not such a stretch for me seen as I work in intensive care however seeing me as a pt is not nice. So of course that is getting me all worked up about what if something goes wrong with the op? I am not a worry wart type of person and nothing medical phases me (apart from this infertility crap) but this is really bugging me.
I have to go to the GP later on today to check out my recent blood tests (previously borderline anaemic so wanted a test to update FBC and iron studies). And lately I have been getting these weird heart palpitations where I feel like all of a sudden my heart has too many beats to contend with. So I am going to ask Gp about this b/c in my head I am thinking my heart is going to give out in the OT and I will end up on a ventilator......
Someone please give me a virtual slap across the face!
So here is what is going on.... I am booked to have my hysteroscopy next Wed to check out what is going on in my uterus. Seen as it is not doing what it should... ie allow an embryo to implant and grow! However I keep having paranoid dreams about seeing myself hooked up to a ventilator with doctors talking over me. Now that's not such a stretch for me seen as I work in intensive care however seeing me as a pt is not nice. So of course that is getting me all worked up about what if something goes wrong with the op? I am not a worry wart type of person and nothing medical phases me (apart from this infertility crap) but this is really bugging me.
I have to go to the GP later on today to check out my recent blood tests (previously borderline anaemic so wanted a test to update FBC and iron studies). And lately I have been getting these weird heart palpitations where I feel like all of a sudden my heart has too many beats to contend with. So I am going to ask Gp about this b/c in my head I am thinking my heart is going to give out in the OT and I will end up on a ventilator......
Someone please give me a virtual slap across the face!
Started my own blog
Hey girls, I have started my own blog, I posted the link if you guys would like to view it. Haven't really done much with it yet as I am new to blogging (lol) I think I can get addicted to doing this though ;)
So far I have only added one of my poems I wrote when my brother had his first baby. I really enjoy writting poetry so hopefully I get the courage to post more!!
http://mrsiamwhoiam.blogspot.com/
So far I have only added one of my poems I wrote when my brother had his first baby. I really enjoy writting poetry so hopefully I get the courage to post more!!
http://mrsiamwhoiam.blogspot.com/
I'm a newbie, hear me roar
Hello ladies- I read the intro to this blog and it made me laugh out loud. I wanted to be part of it right away! I am so sick of this lollipop- cute fluffy puppy- baby dust- "yay let's all get our BFP" ladies on the IVF boards out there. I've been looking for more support in big-bad-internet land.
The sad, long version of my story can be found here:
Our Story
(And please, feel free to drop by/ follow/ whatever...)
But the short version is as follows:
Met hubby in 2001, love of my life
Married in 2003
Started trying to conceive on my birthday (yikes) end of 2005
Things aren't working by early 2006, see RE #1
A series of IUI's with clomid, then Follistim 2006-2008. All BFN. They think we ned IVF, we freak out. No one else we know has children then.
We take some time off, go to counseling, think about what we need.
2009- Switch RE's for work related reasons
2 IUI cycles with Femara. The second one is a BFP!
Scared but excited. We miscarry at 6 weeks in 6/2009.
Do two more IUI's, and get another BFP, but it's a chemical 8/2009.
We move on to IVF and long story short, our clinic dicked us around a bit, and we didn't get to cycle until Nov/Dec 2009. The IVF was disappointing. 10 retrieved, only 2 eggs were mature and fertilized. The one died right away. The other did make it to a 3 day transfer was a day behind. BFN.
IVF # 2 in March. Another cycle, same protocol (Long Lupron). My follies are all over the place in size. One dominant follicle (was like 4/ 5 cm at that point!) So they advise me to stop the cycle since we are out of pocket for this cycle.
Fast forward to the present:
Still waiting for AF from that failed cycle. It's been 6 weeks. We switched RE's, and I feel very positive about it. However, I feel kind of hopeless in general. This is getting tougher as time goes on, not easier! People are getting pregnant all around me, the biggest stab was my best friend who is unmarried/ totally unplanned. I feel so very stuck in my life, in my career, in my town I live in. I just want to shake it all up like a snowglobe or something and let it settle. But, this is where I am.
So yes, that's my story. Despite its depressive nature, I can still be happy and silly at times. Looking forward to getting to know you ladies. I love to blog instead of working.
The sad, long version of my story can be found here:
Our Story
(And please, feel free to drop by/ follow/ whatever...)
But the short version is as follows:
Met hubby in 2001, love of my life
Married in 2003
Started trying to conceive on my birthday (yikes) end of 2005
Things aren't working by early 2006, see RE #1
A series of IUI's with clomid, then Follistim 2006-2008. All BFN. They think we ned IVF, we freak out. No one else we know has children then.
We take some time off, go to counseling, think about what we need.
2009- Switch RE's for work related reasons
2 IUI cycles with Femara. The second one is a BFP!
Scared but excited. We miscarry at 6 weeks in 6/2009.
Do two more IUI's, and get another BFP, but it's a chemical 8/2009.
We move on to IVF and long story short, our clinic dicked us around a bit, and we didn't get to cycle until Nov/Dec 2009. The IVF was disappointing. 10 retrieved, only 2 eggs were mature and fertilized. The one died right away. The other did make it to a 3 day transfer was a day behind. BFN.
IVF # 2 in March. Another cycle, same protocol (Long Lupron). My follies are all over the place in size. One dominant follicle (was like 4/ 5 cm at that point!) So they advise me to stop the cycle since we are out of pocket for this cycle.
Fast forward to the present:
Still waiting for AF from that failed cycle. It's been 6 weeks. We switched RE's, and I feel very positive about it. However, I feel kind of hopeless in general. This is getting tougher as time goes on, not easier! People are getting pregnant all around me, the biggest stab was my best friend who is unmarried/ totally unplanned. I feel so very stuck in my life, in my career, in my town I live in. I just want to shake it all up like a snowglobe or something and let it settle. But, this is where I am.
So yes, that's my story. Despite its depressive nature, I can still be happy and silly at times. Looking forward to getting to know you ladies. I love to blog instead of working.
Sunday, April 11, 2010
More good news and Post-Op update!
I had my post op appointment March 29th and found out some crazy info. Apparently only PART of my tube had ruptured! Seriously? I'm sure it happens (obviously) but I've never heard of it before. My little blob and the part of the tube that it was in were both still in tact. To me this was both great and heartbreaking news. It's heartbreaking to know that my little one was still okay and yet they had to remove it. But the great news is that the whole tube hadn't ruptured! I was home alone for 5 1/2 hours from the time of rupture until I went to the hospital. I had suffered enough pain and lost enough blood with just a partial rupture. My doc never said it specifically, but the way he kept infosizing just how lucky I really am, I'm taking it that I'm lucky to be alive.
That's the crazy, now for the good news. Doc said we can try again RIGHT AWAY! Can you belive that? Everything I have read (thanks Dr. Google) said that it would be a minumim of 3 cycles after something like that. I guess Doc was happy with my recovery. He was happy just by looking at me, apparently I look like a real person again (One day I want to be a real boy!! Err...girl!), no longer ghostly. But yeah, he said as soon as AF arrives we can start again if we want. Of course, that's still months considering I'm still waiting for my hCG levels to 0 out and then for AF to finally decide to show her ugly face again. At that appointment my hCG levels had fallen to 37. I go in tomorrow for another beta test. We're hoping it will be 0 by then.
Two days after that appointment DH and I flew to Pittsburgh for a mini vacation and to check out a new city. We had had the trip planned for at least 6 months but it really couldn't have come at a better time. It was SUCH a nice break physically and mentally. It really was exactly what we needed. We are now planning a trip to the Domincan Republic during Memorial Day weekend. I've never been out of the county and we thought it would be nice to have another relaxing trip before jumping back in to everything.
My last bit of news...I did not ask Doc about a free cycle. He's not my regular RE (I haven't seen him yet), and quite frankly I'm a pussy. I love my RE and his staff and I think my clinic is great, I don't want to stir things up. AND I called my RE's office and asked how much we had in credit with them (I knew we had some, but wasn't sure how much). The receptionist looked into it for me and informed me that we have $3900 in credit!!! That's a few hundred dollars MORE than what we need for another FET! I was blown away! Our insurance must have paid more than what we thought. We had already maxed out our infertility coverage for the year so that credit really made the difference on us trying sooner than later.
It's been great having some good news after all the bad. And although it can never erase what we went through at least it's not blow after blow. I just don't know how much of that I could take right now.
That's the crazy, now for the good news. Doc said we can try again RIGHT AWAY! Can you belive that? Everything I have read (thanks Dr. Google) said that it would be a minumim of 3 cycles after something like that. I guess Doc was happy with my recovery. He was happy just by looking at me, apparently I look like a real person again (One day I want to be a real boy!! Err...girl!), no longer ghostly. But yeah, he said as soon as AF arrives we can start again if we want. Of course, that's still months considering I'm still waiting for my hCG levels to 0 out and then for AF to finally decide to show her ugly face again. At that appointment my hCG levels had fallen to 37. I go in tomorrow for another beta test. We're hoping it will be 0 by then.
Two days after that appointment DH and I flew to Pittsburgh for a mini vacation and to check out a new city. We had had the trip planned for at least 6 months but it really couldn't have come at a better time. It was SUCH a nice break physically and mentally. It really was exactly what we needed. We are now planning a trip to the Domincan Republic during Memorial Day weekend. I've never been out of the county and we thought it would be nice to have another relaxing trip before jumping back in to everything.
My last bit of news...I did not ask Doc about a free cycle. He's not my regular RE (I haven't seen him yet), and quite frankly I'm a pussy. I love my RE and his staff and I think my clinic is great, I don't want to stir things up. AND I called my RE's office and asked how much we had in credit with them (I knew we had some, but wasn't sure how much). The receptionist looked into it for me and informed me that we have $3900 in credit!!! That's a few hundred dollars MORE than what we need for another FET! I was blown away! Our insurance must have paid more than what we thought. We had already maxed out our infertility coverage for the year so that credit really made the difference on us trying sooner than later.
It's been great having some good news after all the bad. And although it can never erase what we went through at least it's not blow after blow. I just don't know how much of that I could take right now.
Saturday, April 10, 2010
Finally some good news... no not THAT kind of good news
Needless to say, after several failed IVF attempts not even close to being covered by insurance, we're in a pretty dismal financial hole. So, after looking for a job for quite a while, it looks like I've finally scored a pretty cool one! Yay! I'm going to be delivering pharmacy supplies to nursing homes. Looks like the pay is pretty good. It's mostly late evening/early night hours, but most nights I should be home by 1am. No biggie for me since that's when I'm up to lately anyways. And when I do my next cycle, it's very flexible as far as days off & me needing to be here in the mornings for doctor appointments. I did my first ride-along for training tonight & I think I'm going to like it. Yay! Seems like finally something is going right for me! Anyways, just thought I'd share.
Other than jobs, has anyone else come up with creative cash earning ideas? Just wondering how everyone else is managing to cope with the HUGE bills...
Other than jobs, has anyone else come up with creative cash earning ideas? Just wondering how everyone else is managing to cope with the HUGE bills...
Tuesday, April 6, 2010
See more funny videos and funny pictures at CollegeHumor.
How many of our girls will now come out of anesthesia after ER talking about
Joan and/or unicorns? Wish I could be there to see the doctor's/nurse's
reactions!
I'm no Angel... I'm not even a Superwoman... but I'm learning to set some Priorities and some Boundaries!
In the week before Easter, I was presented with a bit of a dilemma. No less than three family members each approached me about helping out my sister who just had a baby a few weeks ago. My mother has been helping her for weeks... going over daily to assist her with her toddler and infant as well as helping out around the house. The day before Easter my mother needed to prepare for the holiday feast, so SOMEBODY needed to help my sister. Seemed a lot of people thought that somebody might be me. I didn't really expect them to think about how being around a newborn (or even a toddler) might be difficult for me while I am grieving the lack of my own children. I wasn't really interested in trying to fill them in on the emotional toll infertility has taken in my life. Previously with my family, I had put up a brave front. I told my sister during her pregnancy that I was jealous of OTHER women, but not her... that she was different because she is my sister. At Christmas, I offered her a seat when all the comfortable seats in the room were taken.
This holiday, I felt a bit more selfish. I said I couldn't help my sister take care of her children. That's right.... I actually said "NO!" Those two letters that are soooo hard to get out. The forbidden word that means forbidden. For me, it was a very big deal and it felt like one of the hardest things I've ever done. What would people think? What would people say? Would I be burning a bridge? Would my family members never help me again in the future because of what I'd done (or in this case, NOT done)? Would they think I am bitter? How would I deal with the feelings of guilt for being so lazy and selfish? How would my sister cope without my help? I agonized and agonized over the decision. I talked it over with my husband.
In the past at family gatherings I have often been the default babysitter. My nieces and nephew seem to like me. I have "supervised" them on the backyard swingsets to make sure they were safe. I've led them in constructing crafts so that their parents could play uninterrupted games with the adults. And in the meantime, my husband felt like I'd deserted him. Lately, he's been gently saying he'd prefer that I stay by his side more when we visit my family. That makes sense. I wouldn't like it either if he deserted me when we visited his family! So in the end, it was my husband who helped me decide. I know that he should be the number one person in my life and his needs should take priority. It was a gut-wrenching decision, though. It seemed to go against many of the values of my family... in so many ways it felt WRONG. I told them that part of the IVF protocol was to avoid stress (yet it was stressful to tell them that!)
Guess what? The world didn't fall apart. Yes, I had chosen one person in my life over another and ... in some ways I had chosen myself. My younger sister graciously offered to help out instead. They coped just fine without me. However, as you can imagine, the weekend was not without its awkward moments. At one point my sister with the three-week-old newborn cornered me and said, "So you're not supposed to be stressed at certain points in your cycle???" She seemed to be fishing... I quickly ended the conversation and felt like a complete jerk. I tried to avoid her (without success) the rest of the evening.
I believe I did the right thing in saying no. My husband seemed happier. Instead of me burping a baby and corralling a toddler, my husband and I spent some time together relaxing with other adults in a beautiful garden. We soaked up the sun and watched pink and white petals slowly and silently float down from the blossoming trees... so wonderful. We took care of us. I still have some lingering feelings of guilt because my thought pathways are soooo ingrained. It may be awkward with my sister for awhile as I'm processing everything. In some ways, maybe I am jealous. I guess I need to admit it to be able to deal with it. The holidays are never simple, are they?
This holiday, I felt a bit more selfish. I said I couldn't help my sister take care of her children. That's right.... I actually said "NO!" Those two letters that are soooo hard to get out. The forbidden word that means forbidden. For me, it was a very big deal and it felt like one of the hardest things I've ever done. What would people think? What would people say? Would I be burning a bridge? Would my family members never help me again in the future because of what I'd done (or in this case, NOT done)? Would they think I am bitter? How would I deal with the feelings of guilt for being so lazy and selfish? How would my sister cope without my help? I agonized and agonized over the decision. I talked it over with my husband.
In the past at family gatherings I have often been the default babysitter. My nieces and nephew seem to like me. I have "supervised" them on the backyard swingsets to make sure they were safe. I've led them in constructing crafts so that their parents could play uninterrupted games with the adults. And in the meantime, my husband felt like I'd deserted him. Lately, he's been gently saying he'd prefer that I stay by his side more when we visit my family. That makes sense. I wouldn't like it either if he deserted me when we visited his family! So in the end, it was my husband who helped me decide. I know that he should be the number one person in my life and his needs should take priority. It was a gut-wrenching decision, though. It seemed to go against many of the values of my family... in so many ways it felt WRONG. I told them that part of the IVF protocol was to avoid stress (yet it was stressful to tell them that!)
Guess what? The world didn't fall apart. Yes, I had chosen one person in my life over another and ... in some ways I had chosen myself. My younger sister graciously offered to help out instead. They coped just fine without me. However, as you can imagine, the weekend was not without its awkward moments. At one point my sister with the three-week-old newborn cornered me and said, "So you're not supposed to be stressed at certain points in your cycle???" She seemed to be fishing... I quickly ended the conversation and felt like a complete jerk. I tried to avoid her (without success) the rest of the evening.
I believe I did the right thing in saying no. My husband seemed happier. Instead of me burping a baby and corralling a toddler, my husband and I spent some time together relaxing with other adults in a beautiful garden. We soaked up the sun and watched pink and white petals slowly and silently float down from the blossoming trees... so wonderful. We took care of us. I still have some lingering feelings of guilt because my thought pathways are soooo ingrained. It may be awkward with my sister for awhile as I'm processing everything. In some ways, maybe I am jealous. I guess I need to admit it to be able to deal with it. The holidays are never simple, are they?
Monday, April 5, 2010
Well, CRAP...
So, just wanted to vent a bit & shamelessly fishing for sympathy. I pulled a bone-head move this morning. We had some big geese in the front yard so I took one of my dogs out to see them. I knew she would want to chase them so I had her on a leash, but a long one so she could get closer without hurting the geese... So, bonehead me goes out with her & she sees them & looks at me like, "can I go see?" So, I say, "go ahead." and as it comes out of my mouth, I realize my mistake. I'm at the top of about 6 stairs to the ground. Well, she's a rather athletic thing (border collie) so she can go from stand-still to 60 in 3 steps. Well, not quite, but you get the drift. So, needless to say, I end up at the bottom of the stairs. After which, I can't put any weight on my right ankle. So, after a visit to the urgent care today, I'm now on my way to a foot surgeon. Broken. Crap. Like I needed this. No more working out. And... our nice vacation & cruise is only 5 weeks away. So, looks like I'll be in some sort of cast or boot for that. Can't I have just one good thing to look forward to? Argh. So, I put the diet on hold & had Coldstone Ice Cream & Vicodin for dinner.
Thursday, April 1, 2010
Today Show - Baby Bump Bound
Just in case you missed it...or had no means to record it:
Baby Bump Bound's IF Segment on the Today Show
Baby Bump Bound's IF Segment on the Today Show
Just a vent
So, here I am at the gym this morning. Feeling so proud of myself. And there as I'm working out on the eliptical in front of me doing the "circuit training" is a preggo. Nice baby bump. Crap. Is no place safe?
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