I recently read this in Real Simple in the "Modern Manners/Life Lessons" Q&A section.
"What is the kindest way to let a friend who is struggling with infertility know that you are pregnant?" asked Hannah Murray in Portland OR
Julie (who used to be a writer/producer for Sex and the City and has one daughter) says: "Having been on both sides of this situation, I can say it's one of the hardest, for everyone involved. On the one hand, when you're struggling to get pregnant, the last thing you need is to be reminded how damned easy it is (or at least it seems) for other people to get pregnant. On the other hand, infertility can be isolating, and the feeling that friends might be withholding information in an effort to protect you can make that sense of loneliness even worse. So don't hide your news from her, but preface it by saying, "I've been struggling with how to tell you this, because I know what you've been going though...." Then cut to the chase. After you've shared your news, it's hard to say how your friend will react. She might be fine with it or have lots of questions for you, or she might suddenly have to take another call. Remember-however she reacts, you didn't do anything wrong. Hopefully, in time, she'll be able to join you in your happiness whether or not she has a baby of her own."
I wasn't sure how I felt after I read it. What do you guys think of that?
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I think it's obvious and simplistic...but I'm sure I don't have a better answer. If someone said the, "I've been struggling with how to tell you this...," line, I'd already know what was coming and it would feel like just another isolating IF experience (knowing I was the only one who got the news delivered with those words and a heaping helping of pity attached.) And I think we all know that it's not hard "for everyone involved." Most people are oblivious or insensitive when it comes to this stuff.
ReplyDeleteThe only advice I have comes from personal experience. We've had several couples(and one couple, three times) tell us before they reached the end of the first trimester. There were a number of miscarriages involved, which meant that we got the private heartbreak of hearing their "happy news" each time they told us, only to have to hear it again (and again) each time they told us before the pgcy was really to a safe stage. So I say, only tell your IF friends (and everyone else, to be safe) once you're fairly certain the pcgy is going to progress normally...that way they're spared the unnecessary pain of hearing your announcement if it's not going to go to term (and you're spared the unnecessary pain of having to tell everyone you lost it.)
Of course, amongst us girls the rules are different, aren't they?
And once you tell:
ReplyDeleteKeep it simple. Avoid squealing. Don't ask the IF person/people stupid questions like, "Isn't this exciting?!"...or say something stupid like, "This happened so much sooner than we expected." Don't solicit a reaction from them. Also, don't deliver the news as if you're telling them you just ran over their dog in the driveway...that feels patronizing...no one likes to be pitied. Just make your announcement, as matter-of-factly as you can...then maybe have another subject ready to go so you can move on and talk about something else.
bbchi- thanks for the excerpt... got me thinking. I'm also not sure how I feel about it.
ReplyDeleteKB- Wow- your second comment is such good advice! I think we need to send that out to everyone we know.
However you tell someone I hope its not how my brother and SIL told me, they handed me a +HPT and asked me if I thought the line was dark enough....Lets just say I didn't stay for dinner that day, I left crying my eyes out :(
ReplyDeleteI haven't been in too many situations like this, but the abouve sounds about right to me.
ReplyDeleteKrissy-that is so awful what your family did. Did they know about your struggle with IF? Completely heartless!
Will NEVER forget Krissy's -- they are still on my shit list for that!
ReplyDeleteWe haven't told anyone, so I can't offer a real opinion, except someone mentioned a few days ago that via email might be ok, b/c then the IF girl isn't put on the spot. I think that's the lesser of 2 evils.
Ohh yes Smitty they knew all about my struggles. My brother amd I are close and I know he was excited to tell me but seriously, I didn't need to see all that grrrrr
ReplyDelete:) Mango, I could think of a few more people to add to that list lol
I like the email option but some people say that's insensitive. For me it's straightforward and to the point. My friends that have gotten PG while I was going through this did not tell me until the 1st trimester was up. So, I respect them for that. One didn't tell me cause she wasn't sure how to tell me. I found out by reading a mutual friends blog! That pissed me off. But I got over it quick. Also, I agree with KB's statement above. DH & I will not be telling anyone we are PG util it is safe going forward. We don't want people to have to experience the gut wrenching news everytime we MC. Hopefully it doesn't happen again for us but you never know.
ReplyDeleteOh, and I think we all have an open door policy - whatever goes - not unicorns or rainbow farts here, right?!
Agghh, the squealing-then-hand-holding-jumping-up-and-down-now-let-me-tell-my-pregnancy-birth-story moment! I hate it! That's when I slink back and try to disappear. For me, I'd rather them tell me w/ a little pity/sensitivity than them forgetting I've struggled at all. To the point, then move on. Email would be fine w/ me, too.
ReplyDeleteI'm always afraid people are keeping their PG news from me. I definitely don't want that. But what the right way to tell me is,not sure. Hurts anyway you get it, I guess. If they're out with it in a moment w/just me and the offender, i think it's probably OK. Rip the band-aid off quickly and cleanly.
ReplyDeleteYeah, so I got not one but TWO emails today. It sucked and right away I knew from the subject line what the message would be. Totally put a damper on my day. But glad I was able to feign excitement and joyousness ("!!!") from the safety screen of my keyboard.
ReplyDelete