So am feeling better today. D&C was yesterday. Slept most of the day and went to bed early. We'll know the results of the lab work in a month, but in the meantime I have to go in every week to make sure my HCG number is going down to negative. Hopefully, it's fast.
Decided to do laundry and get caught up on things today. Gotta get back to life, right? Well while in the laundry room I came across a womans scarf that was totally not mine. Because I am not thinking rationally I stormed into the office and asked DH what the hell it was. Of course, he was furious that I would even ask him that. He reminded me, angrily, that his mom was here last night and it was probably hers. I went back into the laundry room and there were the towels from her bathroom - in the same spot as the scarf. Ugh - I am such an ASS. I am clearly not thinking straight. I have realized that I am completely insecure thanks to this infertility shit. Not only am I fat from treatment, but who wants to be with someone that is infertile? Right? Clearly I have issues. A rational person would have known it was the MIL's scarf. Now I am in the doghouse. DH is really hurt. I am a dingledoo who cannot apologize enough.
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cut yourself some slack. you've been through hell and back. and DH should be doing the laundry for a few day.
ReplyDelete*hugs*
I do stuff like this all the time- I can totally see how finding something like that would trigger you. I think it's true that the infertility makes us insecure. I often wonder if my husband doesn't think about how he could already have 2 kids if he'd married someone else. You're completely normal. He'll get over it. Thank God is was your MIL's scarf, right? Bear hugs.
ReplyDeleteIf anyone...ever...in the history of the world, had an excuse to be a little nuts right now, it's you. I hope your husband knows that! He's lucky you didn't use that scarf to tie him up so you could stab all your IVF needles into him as punishment for his bad-boy ways. LOL. He'll probably be laughing about it in a day or two, right?
ReplyDeleteGrr...how annoying. I had this whole in depth meaningful response and stupid computer lost it. Will try again.
ReplyDeleteI think your behavior (considering the circumstances) is completely normal. We talked about this once on the confessions thread. I'm not the most confident person in the whole world, but this IF problem has made it way worse. I guess it gets to you because you feel you're not succeeding at the one thing your body is made for. Everyone else seems to be doing it. So now I find myself always worrying whether people like me. I've "teased" my DH that he has a thing for our neighbor (we hang out w/her and her DH all the time). I worry too that he could hook up w/someone else someday. These worries are not grounded in reality at all. I always tell him...you could have 2 or 3 kids w/someone else by now. He always tries to reassure me, but I still worry.
YOU ARE NOT ALONE!
PS--try to avoid going in there every week for betas. It takes a while to go down (at least 4 wks) and it's very painful getting that call each time to tell you how not pregnant you're becoming. I don't know why they do it after a D&C anyway. I don't w/my fertile patients. So try to get them to let you space it out a bit. Sorry you're going thru this...it sucks the big one.
ReplyDeleteI hv been there... wondering if DH regrets being with me and going thru all this, when all his friends (and mine too) are having a second child? ... never spoken to him abt it though.
ReplyDeleteI agree with everyone else, you of all people had an excuse to go nuts on DH. You just went through something very tramatic and not thinking clearly, maybe DH needs to be a little more understanding of what your going through.
ReplyDeleteI can relate to feeling insecure when it comes to be fertile and thin, I often compare myself to my DH's ex saying if he stayed with her they would have plenty of kids. I tell him all the time that he's lucky they had a child b4 spliting up because I may never be able to give him that. I often wonder if he ever thinks about his ex and how things would be if they were still together. IF can really mess with your mind and play tricks on you so rest assure you are not the only one to feel this way. I hope you feel better soon Hun!
DH has moved foward. He's very understanding and I broke down to tell him why I am really insecure. He hated hearing that and then joked that I was in the doghouse until 5pm. We decided to have a quiet dinner at home and then open up the wine of the month. That's big news around here! I married the best DH. Too bad his wife is crazy right now!
ReplyDeleteThanks everyone for the support.
What a sweet guy, JPS. :) Have a nice evening together.
ReplyDeleteI'm so glad your DH was understanding and you two were able to joke about it later on. Sounds like you got yourself a good one. :o) And yes, you definitely are entitled to your moments, we all have them. I probably would have done the same thing, especially in the crabby mood I would be in if I had faced everything you have recently. Big hug!
ReplyDeleteTalk about insecurity...DH came home today all excited that he can go to these conferences in New Orleans and Vegas....and I told him he is not going anywhere because I am afraid he might father some children all over USA on his trips...I would never say anything like that before...
ReplyDeleteIt's awesome that your DH understands and helps you calm down!
You are entitled to spive out after all this. You are normal. And human!
ReplyDeleteHere comes another story....
A few years ago when my dad was still with my evil step mother we had an incident at a family bbq. The background is ex step mother is not too much older than me, attractive in a cold evil way, and extremely flirtatious. I always thought this was b/c she had no personality to get along with females and so sexuality was the only thing going for her. I had started to tell DH I was not happy about her wondering hands on him (you know hugs too long, always hand on leg when talking...). He never really played along but she would not stop. Anyway this night she was on form. Hand on leg at table so DH picks up her hand above the table and throws her off. Along with a few choice words. I wanted to make a standing ovation!
ohh sum, I loveee your DH. Way to get one up on her the evil scank!!
ReplyDeleteJPS- Glad to hear you guys worked it all out. I think our DH's are getting use to us jealous ninja chopping wives lol
Hope- I think we've all said things during this crazy journey that we would never even dream of saying b4. A bad mouth and a cold heart goes with IF like peanut butter goes with jelly ;)
I confess...I am the QUEEN of insecurity since all this IF shit. I think the weight gain has alot to do with it. Drives BF crazy. I, too feel like "why would you be with me when you could've had 10 kids with someone else by now?" I often think if something doesn't work soon, I can just leave and be miserable by myself! I know it's f-ed up!
ReplyDeleteSummer - your DH gets s superstar award for that move!!
ReplyDeleteGlad I am not alone. DH said this morning we are a good team. I say - most of the time - when I am not crazy! haha
I remember having a breakdown and telling DH that I felt so bad that he was stuck with and probably wouldn't be able to be a father. He shrugged, looked me straight in the eye, and said, "I'd rather be stuck with you than live without you."
ReplyDeleteAwwwww .....
Sorry you're feeling a bit nuts right now. Wish I could say it gets better... I'm 3 wks past D&C now... still feeling nuts & angry at the world. Also, watching the Olympics but what is with all the freaking child/parent commercials??? Argh. My appt is Friday to get genetic results.
ReplyDeleteI'm also wondering what the purpose is for you to go in for HCG each week. My sis had a m/c (natural preg) and they did the same thing... only she said they called each week and said not going down much yet... come in next week. She quit going after a couple weeks as they didn't seem like they would be treating for anything... just doing b/w to see the number go down. They aren't having me do any of that. This Friday will be the first time seeing my RE since procedure.
Anyways, hang in there. Enjoy that wine. That sounds good right now... but our house is out of alcohol... and I have NO IDEA how that happened. Smirk. Wink.
Momsie