Gardasil and Infertility?

Hey, girls!

Recently, someone mentioned something to me about the link between Gardasil (HPV vaccine) and autoimmune disorders, and I immediately became nervous because, back in college, I had been part of the clinical trials for that vaccine. I was not ever told whether I had the placebo or the real deal, but I have had autoimmune problems that presented about 4 years after I completed the study.

I had been wondering if the vaccine could also cause infertility, and I wondered if anyone has heard anything concerning this. If you ask Dr. Google, it is a possibility.

Introducing Paranoid Petunia...

I think I have an alter ego. A mixture of crazy and stripper it sounds like but I like the name anyway.

So here is what is going on.... I am booked to have my hysteroscopy next Wed to check out what is going on in my uterus. Seen as it is not doing what it should... ie allow an embryo to implant and grow! However I keep having paranoid dreams about seeing myself hooked up to a ventilator with doctors talking over me. Now that's not such a stretch for me seen as I work in intensive care however seeing me as a pt is not nice. So of course that is getting me all worked up about what if something goes wrong with the op? I am not a worry wart type of person and nothing medical phases me (apart from this infertility crap) but this is really bugging me.

I have to go to the GP later on today to check out my recent blood tests (previously borderline anaemic so wanted a test to update FBC and iron studies). And lately I have been getting these weird heart palpitations where I feel like all of a sudden my heart has too many beats to contend with. So I am going to ask Gp about this b/c in my head I am thinking my heart is going to give out in the OT and I will end up on a ventilator......

Someone please give me a virtual slap across the face!

Started my own blog

Hey girls, I have started my own blog, I posted the link if you guys would like to view it. Haven't really done much with it yet as I am new to blogging (lol) I think I can get addicted to doing this though ;)

So far I have only added one of my poems I wrote when my brother had his first baby. I really enjoy writting poetry so hopefully I get the courage to post more!!

http://mrsiamwhoiam.blogspot.com/

I'm a newbie, hear me roar

Hello ladies- I read the intro to this blog and it made me laugh out loud. I wanted to be part of it right away! I am so sick of this lollipop- cute fluffy puppy- baby dust- "yay let's all get our BFP" ladies on the IVF boards out there. I've been looking for more support in big-bad-internet land.

The sad, long version of my story can be found here:
Our Story

(And please, feel free to drop by/ follow/ whatever...)

But the short version is as follows:

Met hubby in 2001, love of my life
Married in 2003
Started trying to conceive on my birthday (yikes) end of 2005
Things aren't working by early 2006, see RE #1
A series of IUI's with clomid, then Follistim 2006-2008. All BFN. They think we ned IVF, we freak out. No one else we know has children then.
We take some time off, go to counseling, think about what we need.
2009- Switch RE's for work related reasons
2 IUI cycles with Femara. The second one is a BFP!
Scared but excited. We miscarry at 6 weeks in 6/2009.
Do two more IUI's, and get another BFP, but it's a chemical 8/2009.

We move on to IVF and long story short, our clinic dicked us around a bit, and we didn't get to cycle until Nov/Dec 2009. The IVF was disappointing. 10 retrieved, only 2 eggs were mature and fertilized. The one died right away. The other did make it to a 3 day transfer was a day behind. BFN.

IVF # 2 in March. Another cycle, same protocol (Long Lupron). My follies are all over the place in size. One dominant follicle (was like 4/ 5 cm at that point!) So they advise me to stop the cycle since we are out of pocket for this cycle.

Fast forward to the present:

Still waiting for AF from that failed cycle. It's been 6 weeks. We switched RE's, and I feel very positive about it. However, I feel kind of hopeless in general. This is getting tougher as time goes on, not easier! People are getting pregnant all around me, the biggest stab was my best friend who is unmarried/ totally unplanned. I feel so very stuck in my life, in my career, in my town I live in. I just want to shake it all up like a snowglobe or something and let it settle. But, this is where I am.

So yes, that's my story. Despite its depressive nature, I can still be happy and silly at times. Looking forward to getting to know you ladies. I love to blog instead of working.

More good news and Post-Op update!

I had my post op appointment March 29th and found out some crazy info. Apparently only PART of my tube had ruptured! Seriously? I'm sure it happens (obviously) but I've never heard of it before. My little blob and the part of the tube that it was in were both still in tact. To me this was both great and heartbreaking news. It's heartbreaking to know that my little one was still okay and yet they had to remove it. But the great news is that the whole tube hadn't ruptured! I was home alone for 5 1/2 hours from the time of rupture until I went to the hospital. I had suffered enough pain and lost enough blood with just a partial rupture. My doc never said it specifically, but the way he kept infosizing just how lucky I really am, I'm taking it that I'm lucky to be alive.

That's the crazy, now for the good news. Doc said we can try again RIGHT AWAY! Can you belive that? Everything I have read (thanks Dr. Google) said that it would be a minumim of 3 cycles after something like that. I guess Doc was happy with my recovery. He was happy just by looking at me, apparently I look like a real person again (One day I want to be a real boy!! Err...girl!), no longer ghostly. But yeah, he said as soon as AF arrives we can start again if we want. Of course, that's still months considering I'm still waiting for my hCG levels to 0 out and then for AF to finally decide to show her ugly face again. At that appointment my hCG levels had fallen to 37. I go in tomorrow for another beta test. We're hoping it will be 0 by then.

Two days after that appointment DH and I flew to Pittsburgh for a mini vacation and to check out a new city. We had had the trip planned for at least 6 months but it really couldn't have come at a better time. It was SUCH a nice break physically and mentally. It really was exactly what we needed. We are now planning a trip to the Domincan Republic during Memorial Day weekend. I've never been out of the county and we thought it would be nice to have another relaxing trip before jumping back in to everything.

My last bit of news...I did not ask Doc about a free cycle. He's not my regular RE (I haven't seen him yet), and quite frankly I'm a pussy. I love my RE and his staff and I think my clinic is great, I don't want to stir things up. AND I called my RE's office and asked how much we had in credit with them (I knew we had some, but wasn't sure how much). The receptionist looked into it for me and informed me that we have $3900 in credit!!! That's a few hundred dollars MORE than what we need for another FET! I was blown away! Our insurance must have paid more than what we thought. We had already maxed out our infertility coverage for the year so that credit really made the difference on us trying sooner than later.

It's been great having some good news after all the bad. And although it can never erase what we went through at least it's not blow after blow. I just don't know how much of that I could take right now.

Finally some good news... no not THAT kind of good news

Needless to say, after several failed IVF attempts not even close to being covered by insurance, we're in a pretty dismal financial hole. So, after looking for a job for quite a while, it looks like I've finally scored a pretty cool one! Yay! I'm going to be delivering pharmacy supplies to nursing homes. Looks like the pay is pretty good. It's mostly late evening/early night hours, but most nights I should be home by 1am. No biggie for me since that's when I'm up to lately anyways. And when I do my next cycle, it's very flexible as far as days off & me needing to be here in the mornings for doctor appointments. I did my first ride-along for training tonight & I think I'm going to like it. Yay! Seems like finally something is going right for me! Anyways, just thought I'd share.

Other than jobs, has anyone else come up with creative cash earning ideas? Just wondering how everyone else is managing to cope with the HUGE bills...

See more funny videos and funny pictures at CollegeHumor.

How many of our girls will now come out of anesthesia after ER talking about

Joan and/or unicorns?  Wish I could be there to see the doctor's/nurse's

reactions!

I'm no Angel... I'm not even a Superwoman... but I'm learning to set some Priorities and some Boundaries!

In the week before Easter, I was presented with a bit of a dilemma. No less than three family members each approached me about helping out my sister who just had a baby a few weeks ago. My mother has been helping her for weeks... going over daily to assist her with her toddler and infant as well as helping out around the house. The day before Easter my mother needed to prepare for the holiday feast, so SOMEBODY needed to help my sister. Seemed a lot of people thought that somebody might be me. I didn't really expect them to think about how being around a newborn (or even a toddler) might be difficult for me while I am grieving the lack of my own children. I wasn't really interested in trying to fill them in on the emotional toll infertility has taken in my life. Previously with my family, I had put up a brave front. I told my sister during her pregnancy that I was jealous of OTHER women, but not her... that she was different because she is my sister. At Christmas, I offered her a seat when all the comfortable seats in the room were taken.

This holiday, I felt a bit more selfish. I said I couldn't help my sister take care of her children. That's right.... I actually said "NO!" Those two letters that are soooo hard to get out. The forbidden word that means forbidden. For me, it was a very big deal and it felt like one of the hardest things I've ever done. What would people think? What would people say? Would I be burning a bridge? Would my family members never help me again in the future because of what I'd done (or in this case, NOT done)? Would they think I am bitter? How would I deal with the feelings of guilt for being so lazy and selfish? How would my sister cope without my help? I agonized and agonized over the decision. I talked it over with my husband.

In the past at family gatherings I have often been the default babysitter. My nieces and nephew seem to like me. I have "supervised" them on the backyard swingsets to make sure they were safe. I've led them in constructing crafts so that their parents could play uninterrupted games with the adults. And in the meantime, my husband felt like I'd deserted him. Lately, he's been gently saying he'd prefer that I stay by his side more when we visit my family. That makes sense. I wouldn't like it either if he deserted me when we visited his family! So in the end, it was my husband who helped me decide. I know that he should be the number one person in my life and his needs should take priority. It was a gut-wrenching decision, though. It seemed to go against many of the values of my family... in so many ways it felt WRONG. I told them that part of the IVF protocol was to avoid stress (yet it was stressful to tell them that!)

Guess what? The world didn't fall apart. Yes, I had chosen one person in my life over another and ... in some ways I had chosen myself. My younger sister graciously offered to help out instead. They coped just fine without me. However, as you can imagine, the weekend was not without its awkward moments. At one point my sister with the three-week-old newborn cornered me and said, "So you're not supposed to be stressed at certain points in your cycle???" She seemed to be fishing... I quickly ended the conversation and felt like a complete jerk. I tried to avoid her (without success) the rest of the evening.

I believe I did the right thing in saying no. My husband seemed happier. Instead of me burping a baby and corralling a toddler, my husband and I spent some time together relaxing with other adults in a beautiful garden. We soaked up the sun and watched pink and white petals slowly and silently float down from the blossoming trees... so wonderful. We took care of us. I still have some lingering feelings of guilt because my thought pathways are soooo ingrained. It may be awkward with my sister for awhile as I'm processing everything. In some ways, maybe I am jealous. I guess I need to admit it to be able to deal with it. The holidays are never simple, are they?

Well, CRAP...

So, just wanted to vent a bit & shamelessly fishing for sympathy. I pulled a bone-head move this morning. We had some big geese in the front yard so I took one of my dogs out to see them. I knew she would want to chase them so I had her on a leash, but a long one so she could get closer without hurting the geese... So, bonehead me goes out with her & she sees them & looks at me like, "can I go see?" So, I say, "go ahead." and as it comes out of my mouth, I realize my mistake. I'm at the top of about 6 stairs to the ground. Well, she's a rather athletic thing (border collie) so she can go from stand-still to 60 in 3 steps. Well, not quite, but you get the drift. So, needless to say, I end up at the bottom of the stairs. After which, I can't put any weight on my right ankle. So, after a visit to the urgent care today, I'm now on my way to a foot surgeon. Broken. Crap. Like I needed this. No more working out. And... our nice vacation & cruise is only 5 weeks away. So, looks like I'll be in some sort of cast or boot for that. Can't I have just one good thing to look forward to? Argh. So, I put the diet on hold & had Coldstone Ice Cream & Vicodin for dinner.

Today Show - Baby Bump Bound

Just in case you missed it...or had no means to record it:

Baby Bump Bound's IF Segment on the Today Show

Just a vent

So, here I am at the gym this morning. Feeling so proud of myself. And there as I'm working out on the eliptical in front of me doing the "circuit training" is a preggo. Nice baby bump. Crap. Is no place safe?

What would you do??

I took by BP last night and it's extremely high. I'm really afraid now that if I go for FET or even telling my RE because he may cancel me. Do you guys think I'm being selfish for keeping this to myself? ESP since I just had this same problem with my SIL. Can high BP affect implantation? Maybe it's due to the added stress. Oh boy, I'm confused as to what I should do. Maybe I will still do FET and tell my RE about my BP when/if I get preggers. That sounds bad huh?? Really need your girls opinions!!

What would you do??

Finally!

Finally I can say the word 'BFP'! It feels so surreal, can't really believe it yet. May be it will happen after first US, when I see something other than follicles and lining.

Update on~ The Today Show~ segment!!

In case any of you were wanting to watch the infertility segment that I am going to be in ~ it's been moved to tomorrow (Thursday) morning around 9am. I will be at work, so I have to DVR it. I hope it goes well.

WLB ... 3/31

Well, crap. I'm still hovering at -7. Which sounds good, but I've been there for 2 weeks now. I'm still following my diet & exercising, but no further progress into the negative category. And I'm thinking about my next cycle in May... I'm guessing that'll put that 7 right back on. Really hoping to drop another 13 before then.

How is everyone else doing?

Good article...but almost made me cry.

Wasn't expecting that reaction from myself....

Washington Post: Too Much to Carry?

Needing encouragement!!

Not feeling to good right now!! I just spoke with the acupuncturist at my clinic and the conversation was not very good. He was asking all types of questions and trying to find out what is going on with me. He told me with the number of eggs I had (14) and the number that was left after day 5 (4) it seems as though I may have an egg quality issue. He told me it's common with woman who have had a hydrosalpinx like I did. He also asked me if I have PCOS because I have very heavy AF and lots of clotting (which only started after my tubal surgery) I'm afraid now that it may be a waste of time to put those eggs back in. My RE also suggested that I may have bad egg quality due to the Hydro so now I'm freaking out again. Anyways he wants me to call him next week to come in for my first treatment. He wants me to do a few b4 transfer but honestly I have very little hope right now that this is going to work at all. Has anyone heard of people getting pregnant even with bad quality eggs? I just need some support right now to give me a little more hope than I have at the moment!!

Negative. Again.

Well, it's a negative again.

I was positive for the past week that it would be negative, but got some stupid false hope this morning (where the fuck did that come from?)

Anyway, I am broken. Still at work and have children coming into my room in 13 minutes. So, I know if I start crying I won't stop. Just taking deep breaths...

I called the nurse line for an appointment with my "let's do a million IVFs and hope for the best" doctor. I would like him to do more testing. This time I will be armed with a list so I won't forget. My mission is to make him realize my insurance is nearly gone and I can't play his "wait and see" game.

Anybody have any questions I should ask, or testing that should be done?

Infertility Grants and Such

For those of you who don't read my blog often, I'll post this on here and the Groups. I wrote an article about saving money on infertility treatments. It focuses on infertility grants/scholarships but also talks about clinical trials, fundraisers and getting free meds. Click here to read it. Most of the grants are still accepting applications for this year. Good luck!!

Question?

I posted this in the google group but I'm posting it here too...

I'm thinking about doing my FET in April now (yes the latest pregnancy has helped change my mind) however, I have only been back on my pregfit with 5 mg of folic for the last 13 days plus taking ASA. I read recently that you should be taking them for atleast 2 months b4 getting pregnant. Do you girls think it matters much or should I be good to go? I figure my transfer should be around the 20th os so or April. So any advice what I should do??
I was also going to call today to go for some accupunture. What's the amount of accupunture that you girl recommend to be most effective

Any help or advise would be much appreciated