I'm no Angel... I'm not even a Superwoman... but I'm learning to set some Priorities and some Boundaries!

In the week before Easter, I was presented with a bit of a dilemma. No less than three family members each approached me about helping out my sister who just had a baby a few weeks ago. My mother has been helping her for weeks... going over daily to assist her with her toddler and infant as well as helping out around the house. The day before Easter my mother needed to prepare for the holiday feast, so SOMEBODY needed to help my sister. Seemed a lot of people thought that somebody might be me. I didn't really expect them to think about how being around a newborn (or even a toddler) might be difficult for me while I am grieving the lack of my own children. I wasn't really interested in trying to fill them in on the emotional toll infertility has taken in my life. Previously with my family, I had put up a brave front. I told my sister during her pregnancy that I was jealous of OTHER women, but not her... that she was different because she is my sister. At Christmas, I offered her a seat when all the comfortable seats in the room were taken.

This holiday, I felt a bit more selfish. I said I couldn't help my sister take care of her children. That's right.... I actually said "NO!" Those two letters that are soooo hard to get out. The forbidden word that means forbidden. For me, it was a very big deal and it felt like one of the hardest things I've ever done. What would people think? What would people say? Would I be burning a bridge? Would my family members never help me again in the future because of what I'd done (or in this case, NOT done)? Would they think I am bitter? How would I deal with the feelings of guilt for being so lazy and selfish? How would my sister cope without my help? I agonized and agonized over the decision. I talked it over with my husband.

In the past at family gatherings I have often been the default babysitter. My nieces and nephew seem to like me. I have "supervised" them on the backyard swingsets to make sure they were safe. I've led them in constructing crafts so that their parents could play uninterrupted games with the adults. And in the meantime, my husband felt like I'd deserted him. Lately, he's been gently saying he'd prefer that I stay by his side more when we visit my family. That makes sense. I wouldn't like it either if he deserted me when we visited his family! So in the end, it was my husband who helped me decide. I know that he should be the number one person in my life and his needs should take priority. It was a gut-wrenching decision, though. It seemed to go against many of the values of my family... in so many ways it felt WRONG. I told them that part of the IVF protocol was to avoid stress (yet it was stressful to tell them that!)

Guess what? The world didn't fall apart. Yes, I had chosen one person in my life over another and ... in some ways I had chosen myself. My younger sister graciously offered to help out instead. They coped just fine without me. However, as you can imagine, the weekend was not without its awkward moments. At one point my sister with the three-week-old newborn cornered me and said, "So you're not supposed to be stressed at certain points in your cycle???" She seemed to be fishing... I quickly ended the conversation and felt like a complete jerk. I tried to avoid her (without success) the rest of the evening.

I believe I did the right thing in saying no. My husband seemed happier. Instead of me burping a baby and corralling a toddler, my husband and I spent some time together relaxing with other adults in a beautiful garden. We soaked up the sun and watched pink and white petals slowly and silently float down from the blossoming trees... so wonderful. We took care of us. I still have some lingering feelings of guilt because my thought pathways are soooo ingrained. It may be awkward with my sister for awhile as I'm processing everything. In some ways, maybe I am jealous. I guess I need to admit it to be able to deal with it. The holidays are never simple, are they?