I Get It Now

I was active in our school’s theater arts program all throughout high school. The program was run by a very pretty but tough-as-nails teacher, “Ms. Q.” Ms. Q had taught at the school for years, and was in her very late 40s by the time I was in 9th grade. She was both feared and respected by most of us I would guess, and certainly by me.

Even though she lived a good hour and a half away from our school, she was there day in and day out, holding rehearsals till after 11 at night and working us to death on the weekends. Pleasing her was not an easy feat. She took note of every mistake we made and held us to answer for each, through yelling or not -- it didn’t really matter. Sometimes you could hear her screaming at some poor bloke even if you were in a closed classroom down the hallway. Sometimes she’d just lose it and go off on everyone and everything, and lord help you if you were there to hear it.

For the most part though, I think we all knew that she did these things because she had high standards and wanted us to be the best. And if you heard her chuckling during your comedic performance it made you feel like a million bucks. If she ever told you you did a good job, you felt like a billion bucks.

I really, really liked her.

Of course, it wasn’t “cool” to like Ms. Q, so when my classmates would go off on her, I’d partake dutifully, dramatically recounting her latest crazy antics or adding my two cents to the Ms. Q topic du jour.

But the truth was, she was always exceedingly nice to me. I always felt like an outcast at the school and particularly in the theater department, so when I received approval or accolades from Ms. Q, it always meant a lot to me, more than she could have possibly known. Sometimes, during some down-time, I’d be in her office doing some work for her, and she’d let out a joke or a laugh or a warm smile or talk about her husband, and I thought to myself, “She’s really a sweetheart and a nice person, everyone’s so wrong about her.”

But there was one thing that I always thought was very strange – she didn’t like babies or kids. When former students would come visit her with their babies, my friends and I would ooh and ahh and coo over them, but Ms. Q would be stand-offish, with a look of aversion on her face that said, “Eww, babies? Weird! Gross!” Same with other teachers – they’d bring their newborns or little kids to show off, and while us students would gather round to see and maybe get to touch the cute things, Ms. Q seemed revolted. Which only lent credence to her reputation of being a cold bitch.

When it was my graduation day, I gave her a small gift (I think it was something stupid like candles), my way of letting her know that despite my troublesome ways, I really loved her and very much appreciated all she’d done for me. A short time later, I received a very sweet thank-you card from her. In it, she said “you are my children and it is always hard to say goodbye…”

A couple years later, I heard that Ms. Q had quit teaching and had given birth to twins.

Strange, I thought – she hated kids! Huh? Well, good for her, that’s pretty cool! (IVF and fertility treatments were nowhere near my radar or knowledge at that time, so I just thought hey, she got knocked up at that age, rad!)

Now, of course, it all makes sense. All of it. I get it now. I think back and feel like I know her better now than I ever did then. My heart hurts for that teacher of all those years ago. For how much pain she must have been in. How she must have had failed treatment after treatment all that time. For the jabs to her heart when her colleagues popped out babies and went on and on about them while they were all hanging out in the teachers’ lounge. How she said we were her “children.” How she must have gotten the bfn calls while she was at school. Why she’d lose it sometimes. Why she acted like she didn’t like babies. And how incredibly happy she must have been to finally become a mother.

I never thought I’d ever have anything whatsoever in common with Ms. Q. Kind of weird that now I do.

Infertility T-shirt Ideas

Thought these should be out in the public:

1. Who Shot My Stork???
2. Slippery When Ovulating
3. Egg Collector
4. I did IVF and all I got was this Lousy T-shirt.
5. No, I don't want to hold your baby.
6. My Embryo is an Honor Student.
7. Baby NOT on Board.
8. Babies Aren't Us.
9. I Have a Bitchy Uterus.
10.Knocked Down, Not Up.
11. Keep your unicorn farts to yourself.
12. Not expecting....just bloated.
13. Childless aunt does not equal free babysitter.
14. No Sex-pert Advice Please.
15. Worrying is a full-time job.
16. Rotten eggs: $30, 000.
17. I spent all my savings on infertility treatments, and all I got was this crappy t-shirt.
18. I like it small, thin and in the ass.
19. The vagina is not a clown car (with a picture of the Duggar family on it)!
20. Relax? I can't believe I didn't think of that.
21. Adoption costs $25000. It's not so easy to "just do" that.
22. Statements that begin with "At least..." do not comfort anyone.
23. REs at work.
24. www.infertilethoughts.com
25. My test tube baby kicked your naturally conceived honor student's ass.
26. I can't...I'm cycling.
27. (Photo courtesy of Epson vu-vu cam.)

28. "God's Plan" is for me to kick your ass.

29. IVF Meds: $5,000; IVF retrieval: $4,000; IVF transfer:$3,000; Kicking a fertile's ass: Priceless.
30. If I can't be pregnant, at least I can be thin. (thanks, babywarrior!)

IF Girl Once...IF Girl Always?

I told my mom yesterday that IF had changed me.  I told her that no matter what success we have with IVF, I will never be the person I was before.  I told her that I still haven't had an emotional reaction to the +POAS, the +Beta, or the HBs on the U/S.  I don't know when I'll be able to let myself be happy about this and believe it's going to turn out okay.  I worry that time will never come.

I've heard that some people who have lost a considerable amount of weight...no matter what they see in the mirror or on the scale, they still feel like the same overweight person on the inside.  I feel like regardless of what happens (no matter how good)...inside, I will still be the Infertile Girl.

Thoughts, feelings, experiences?

A Response to "When is it over?" by Jes

I gave myself a lot of deadlines, *sigh*...

I don't know the answer.  I don't know if there is an answer.  Part of me can't believe that I'm 35 and childless...no, all of me can't believe it.  This wasn't supposed to be my life.  And even though my HPT and Beta were positive...I still can't really believe this is going to happen for me.  Maybe if I'd only tried for a few years...but after more than 7 (even though it was just the natural way) it seems completely, totally, entirely out of my reach.

I had it all planned out, too.  The age at which I'd be married, the age at which we'd start having children (and the age at which we'd be done.)  I can't believe I'm so far off track...35 years of my life are behind me and the thing I thought would be my life's work (raising a family) hasn't even started yet.

And now...I worry that I've lost the ability to be happy.  I've done such a good job at shutting down, at not letting things get to me...even the +HPT couldn't elicit an emotional response.  Everyone at the doctor's office was so excited for me, why couldn't I be excited for myself?  Because, it's early!  Because I know all the things that can/may still go wrong that will cause this to be even worse than just a regular unsuccessful cycle.  I still feel like a failure...I'm still angry that this may never happen for me (and if it does, I had to go through a huge load of shit to get it.)

So yeah...I have no answers for you, Jes.  My guess is that you're not done...you're just feeling extremely emotional right now and that once you get it out of your system (like that ever happens) you'll be ready to go again.

But there does have to be a stopping point, doesn't there?  When you're broke?  When you're broken?  When did that ever stop any of us?

When is it over?

So, I've been having this conversation in my head for a couple of weeks now, and I need to get it out there.
When do I say 'Enough'?
How do I decide if this quest for a child is over?
What is down the other fork in the road...the one w/out kids?

I am a big planner - college, good job, husband, family, grandkids, etc...all planned out. Well, you girls all know how that goes. I'm feeling lost without a plan right now.
So, I had a major breakdown on Sunday night - partially alcohol induced from the Super Bowl party, but that's beside the point - I WAS do for a breakdown.
I just don't know if I can continue on. I don't know if I have it in me to try again, and if I don't, then what??? What's my new plan? Quit the stable job I only took because of benefits and track down my 'dream job', or quit it all and travel the world? Do we sell everything and move to a new city? This is what runs through my head all the time!
I guess I feel like if I give up my journey for a child, then I better fill that hole with something...anything. I can't imagine just trudging through my days as is, w/ out SOME quest.

So, I know that we have so many wonderful BFP's in out group right now, and I am so thrilled for you, but regardless, I think that at one time or another, most of you have had a similar conversation with yourselves.
How do you deal with it? Did you give yourself a 'deadline'? When is the quest over for you?
Sorry to be the 'downer' post, but I value you all so much, and there is no one else that can understand this.

I'm so fed up with EVERYONE!!!

I was just talking with my mom (her and my sis in-law are very close) So much so that at times I tend to be a little jealous. Anyways, she tells me to just be happy for her. I told her that nobody knows how it feels to have someone continuously chatting to you about trying to have a baby and the problems they are having and then compare it to you like its the same thing when its NOT. I told her that they will never know how I feel or go through everyday of my life. Her response..Well your not going through it right now...WTF No mom my infertility only exists when I'm going through the many different treatments, my pain only exists when I'm doing IVF or having surgery. Didn't realize it was something that I could just put on the back burner until the next time I start to poke myself...Is this the idiot speech day or something??

My sis in-law is an IDIOT!!!

ok so I know I've said this before but she really gets on my last nerve. I think I've told you all but shes trying really hard to have her 3rd child but having some problems. First the doctor thought it could be endometriosis so they tested her for it. Anyways, first thing this morning she calls me saying her tests were ok but that her uterus lining is at 18mm. She's like "OMG the doctor thought there could be a baby in there, I really hope so because we want a big family" Then she's giggling and saying how she knows what I'm going through and she already has her 2 kids and that she's been feeling her nipples to see if they are getting bigger. ARE YOU F******* kidding me, she has NO idea what I'm going through. Like she said she has 2, I have NONE and have been dealing with this alot longer than she has. Try poking yourself day and night for 2 months, taking all different kinds of meds that make you go nuts, sticking a suppository up your vava and having to deal with the mess it causes, try spreading your legs wide open to everyone and thier mother while their sticking weird things up pushing and pulling, try being sent for numerous surgeries only to have them tell you something else is wrong, try going to see nurses and doctors almost everyday for over a year just to tell you your a failure. After that then you can tell me you know how I feel ARGHHHH I'm getting sick of hearing about other people problems when I have my own. Don't friggin tell me anything about you trying to get pregnant, nothing about what they THINK you may or may not have, just keep that CRAP to yourself. Once your pregnant them tell me and I will deal with it. I'm sick of being a support group for IDIOTS!!!

Letting Go of an Old Friend

One of my BFFs from high school was a guy. Let's call him Guy. We had hung out with the same group of friends in high school, and clicked pretty much right away, purely platonically. We were part of each other's families -- my mom loved him, his mom loved me. We would talk all the time, and go for lunch / dinner / coffee / errands together throughout college, grad school, and beyond. Guy and I saw each other through, vented, and gave advice about our respective boyfriends and girlfriends. We were there for each other through the break-ups. We were there for each other through deaths in the family. And when we'd go to nightclubs or parties, I'd be his wing-lady and he'd be my wing-man. Basically, we were the brother / sister each never had.

So it wasn't surprising that we met our future spouses at about the same time, got engaged within a month of each other, and got married within weeks of each other. It was so cool to have someone to share that experience with, and to get the opposite sex's perspective on the milestones. I LOVED his wife, and he and my husband became fast buddies. Now we'd hang out as couples all the time, and even planned to one day go on vacation all together.

So you can imagine my shock -- and truthfully, anger -- when almost a year into their marriage, I found out randomly, through the grapevine, that Guy's wife was 5 months pregnant. I felt betrayed -- I thought we were soooo close, why would he not share this important news with me? So I called him and confronted him, and got salt poured into the wound: he had invited several friends over to his home a couple months before for an announcement dinner. OUCH. It was disputed whether I had been invited or not to the announcement dinner, but I COULD. NOT. BELIEVE. that he didn't call me the next day and say "Hey, I wish you were there yesterday, we had some pretty big news to tell..." And what made it worse was that all these months, his wife and I were talking / emailing, and wasn't she wondering why I never bothered congratulating her on her pregnancy? She must've been so hurt and insulted!

Graciously, a couple months later, she invited me to her baby shower. I never got an apology from Guy, and so I was still very very hurt. This was one of my best, closest friends of 12 years that didn't think enough of me to tell me he was having his first child! So I politely declined the invitation, and didn't even send a gift. I think that was the nail in the coffin, because we pretty much stopped speaking after that, and I would only hear about his baby's birth, and of baby #2, through our mutual friends.

We run into each other every once in a while, and are polite and friendly with each other when we are in the same room. We've both been married for 4 years now -- they have 2 kids (and probably a 3rd cooking by now), while I have 0 to my credit. I can't help thinking every time we are together that Guy and his wife probably think I was mad and cut off our friendship because I resented that conception and pregnancy came to them so easily, while my husband and I had to try so hard. It wasn't true at the time -- because my husband and I did not start trying till over a year later. But it is true now.

ET didn't go quite as planned...

I had my FET yesterday after what seemed like an eternity of waiting around for it! I went into it feeling pretty optimistic. However there was a big turn of events! Why does that always happen when we are least expecting it? And why wasn't I expecting it? It seems like after everything we go through we should expect something to go wrong with everything.. Uugh!

So as I'm getting situated on the bed thingy, the nurse mentions the RE's name...What?! That's not my RE, I was told it would be my RE doing the transfer this time! No such luck! Okay, not too big of a deal, it's the same guy who did my last transfer and he's a friend of mine's RE. I can deal with this...

Then my nurse puts up the picture of our little blastocyst.....just one little blastocyst. DH looks at me and is immediately like, "There better be two! We are supposed to be transfering two!" The RE and embryologist come in and say hello and look at the picture of our little guy and tell us how excellent it is and I start interupting telling them there was supposed to be two, we are transfering two today! RE and embryologist look at their charts and say that it states "one or two." What the ??? I had this specific conversation with one of my nurses a couple of weeks ago, where she asked me how many and I told her TWO!! Is there just a lack of communication here or what?!?! Don't get me wrong, I generally love my clinic and all their staff, but this is a big deal to a hormonal woman, laying their naked from the waist down with an uncomfortably full bladder!

The exchange of looks between the RE and embryologist clearly expressed how much they understood this point. It was the look of fear! They immediately went into a whole speech about how in women my age they prefer to transfer 1 and in my case the chances are great because my blastocyst is excellent and there's no reason I shouldn't get pregnant from just the one. They did say however that I could still transfer 2 (I had two more frozen) but I would have to wait for it to thaw, and to top that off it was frozen with the 3rd one so they would have to thaw both of them and then IF the 3rd one made it through the thaw they could try and refreeze it.

It sounded like such a waste to me, to possisbly kill off that third blast just to transfer two this time. So....we transfered the one "excellent" 5 day blastocyst (everything else went super smooth!) and we'll have two more lower quality ones to transfer next time if this doesn't work out. I'm now officially in the 2ww! Beta is Friday the 19th.

Crabby thoughts I had yesterday....

1. It's really much longer than a 2ww. Once you get +HPT ...then you wait for the beta....then you wait for the 2nd beta....then it's the wait for the ultrasound....then it's the wait for the end of the 1st trimester...then you wait for your ultrasound at 20 wks to make sure there's no birth defects....it's the never ending forever wait. I know some of my patients worry the whole pregnancy, but do they really worry as much as any of us would? As much as someone that's dealt with failure after failure? I'm happy that things look good for me with my sister so far...but so scared and anxious for the future. I wish I could just feel the happy. My husband won't even give in to the happy because he doesn't want to "jinx it."

2. My hospital plays a lullaby as patients are transferred from labor and delivery to their postpartum room. It plays all day long. Yesterday, I heard it play and someone say, "Ohhh, that means a baby was just born...awww...so cute!" With sunshine and rainbows flying out of their butt. I don't know why this irritated me, but it did.

3. I hate my uterus. Why is it abnormal? What did I ever do to it? And why can't someone fix it? I love my sister and love that she's doing this for me. I don't know what I'd do without her and this chance she's given us. But I still feel a bit mad at my dumb uterus.

On a good note, there is a hallway in the hospital on the way to one of my offices where they change up the photo/picture displays from time to time (local artists, whatever) and I swear the past year at least this has been the Hallway of Torture. Black & white photos of people and their babies and kids. Well, THEY FINALLY TOOK IT DOWN! Woo hoo!

What is "elective", anyways?

Here goes my first blog....enjoy:

Today was a snow day, much to my surprise. I woke up at 8 to about 4 text messages from friends saying "snow day, snow day!!". I wiped the sleep from my eyes and looked outside, and BEHOLD!!! 3 inches of snow!! Wasnt even in the forecast last night at 10 when i checked weather.com. So, I have had a pretty uneventful day. It is currently 7 pm and im still in my pajamas. I basically slept and ate and thats all...but isnt it nice to have a day like that? The only 2 things I accomplished were:
1. changing my account info with dish network
2. getting information about benefits on my AFLAC policies
The dish stuff was no sweat. Other than the fact that my signal has been lost since about 10:30 this morning because of the snow, it was easy-peezy.
The AFLAC was a different story. I signed up for these policies on 04 because of the promise of the agents about how well they pay when you have a child. Several of my friends have received about $6000 at the time of delivery because of their policies. Now I have 2 of them, on top of accident and cancer policies. I have been meaning to call and find out if my hospital/surgical policy would cover my egg retrieval, since it is done under sedation. Of course, the customer service rep has NO clue what an "oocyte retrieval" is...let alone an egg retrieval. I explain it to her several times...her question "Is it elective?".... Well, HELL NO, its not elective!!! Is chemo elective to a cancer patient? Are nsaids elective to an arthritis patient? Are antibiotics elective to someone with an ear infection? NO. NO. NO. I did not choose infertility. It is a disease just like everything else. I didnt ask a doctor to cut me open to enlarge my breasts, or to remove fat. I am a victim to this cruel, debilitating disease. Although it is not life threatening, it is killing me! Or it was killing me.....I guess now I have conquered it. But the scars are still there...and will never go away. I will never forget to be thankful for the gift I have been given. I will never forget the pain and struggle that I went through to get here. It will take time to return to the person I used to be. And there are many more, like me, who battle everyday. Some who fight many years more than I have....and some that will never win the battle. But they fought the good fight......and I promise it's not something anyone would wish on their worst enemy!

Original Confessions

Once upon a time, on another website, there was an epic thread called "Confessions." This thread was a haven for practical, realistic, sharp-witted girls who got sick of the unicorn-riding, rainbow-kissing, "babydust"-spewing nitwits on nearly every other IVF forum/thread in existence. It is rumored that these women were the descendants of an ancient tribe of infertility warriors called "IVF Veterans." Both groups of women were attacked by a vicious monster, wielding the powerful Club of Censorship. For a time, the women dispersed...many presumed them dead. Their collective strength could not be denied and they soon reconvened...with a wit more biting, a resolve more steadfast, and a powerful weapon of their own: Freedom of Speech!

Calling all JJJAs, Confessions Girls, and FT Rejects!:

MangoPuppy - Found
GoldeLox07 - Found
HolmesHX2 - Found
Ravenswood419 - Found
MrsEshaw - Found
LAP (aka Baroness von Utero) - Found
rie1051 - Found
bbchi - Found
oli - Found
Kiellara - Found
Beka05 - Found
Pemmie - Found
Kelsey00 - Found
barren-bipolar - Found
HRD - Found
summerdays - Found
demold - Found
BabytoB - Found
Momsie - Found
JPS23 - Found
Jes - Found
cvpis4me - Found
Kindhiker - Found
deanandkrissy- Found
bobbiesuehicks- Found
smittygirl- Found
curiousme - Found
hope2bpregnant - Found 
BabyWarrior - Found
...and anyone else I've forgotten

We welcome any new girls who think they might fit in with our rebellious and "scarcastic" ways!