Thursday, March 11, 2010
Don't Wanna Miss Anything? How to Subscribe to Blog Posts (Thank you, KB)
Am reposting KB's comment for everyone's benefit:
"You can also subscribe to threads on the blog and have new messages sent to you via email. Click on the comments, and just below the comment box on the right side is a blue link "Subscribe by email". (You must be signed in to do this.) You'll have to subscribe individually to the blog posts you want to follow, but it makes keeping up with everything SO much easier!
"You can also subscribe to threads on the blog and have new messages sent to you via email. Click on the comments, and just below the comment box on the right side is a blue link "Subscribe by email". (You must be signed in to do this.) You'll have to subscribe individually to the blog posts you want to follow, but it makes keeping up with everything SO much easier!
Am I retarded?
I can't figure out how to post on the Google group. There aren't any "reply" or "edit" buttons. I feel about as technologically adept as my mother.
HELP!
CONFUSED IN CANADA........
So, I have a confession to make....
I know I keep saying I'm holding off on the FET until I lose weight and become more healthier-blah blah blah..Actually, that's only a small reason why I have kept putting it off. The real reason is because I'm scarred, totally freaked out and going out of my mind on what to do. I know a lot of you ladies have done this numerous times only to be heartbroken over and over again and I look up to you ladies and admire your strength to keep going, I just don't think I'm that strong mentally. I'd like to think I am but this whole IF thing has made me feel weak, defeated, drained, helpless, vulnerable, cowardly & intimidated (just to name a few lol) I am afraid of getting disappointed again and having my heart broken. It took me so long to get over my first BFN and I don't know how I will be able to handle another one. Sure my weight has played a part of me getting started but I have been reading up a lot on this and I know that there are some risks but not as bad as many make it out to be. Soooo, I'm even more confused then ever on what to do.
DH and I sat down and had a very long talk this past week-end and he's really pushing me to go forward and do FET now, it's me that's holding us back. So, to keep the peace I decided I will go for FET in May, I'm just worried that I may back out of it with more excuses. I just don't know if I can find the strength to go on if I have another BFN at the end. I'm in a hole and don't know how to get myself out of it. I'm soo stressed, I feel that I am alone and nobody really knows how hard it is but you ladies. It's sad because I'm already setting myself up for disappointment :(
I know I keep saying I'm holding off on the FET until I lose weight and become more healthier-blah blah blah..Actually, that's only a small reason why I have kept putting it off. The real reason is because I'm scarred, totally freaked out and going out of my mind on what to do. I know a lot of you ladies have done this numerous times only to be heartbroken over and over again and I look up to you ladies and admire your strength to keep going, I just don't think I'm that strong mentally. I'd like to think I am but this whole IF thing has made me feel weak, defeated, drained, helpless, vulnerable, cowardly & intimidated (just to name a few lol) I am afraid of getting disappointed again and having my heart broken. It took me so long to get over my first BFN and I don't know how I will be able to handle another one. Sure my weight has played a part of me getting started but I have been reading up a lot on this and I know that there are some risks but not as bad as many make it out to be. Soooo, I'm even more confused then ever on what to do.
DH and I sat down and had a very long talk this past week-end and he's really pushing me to go forward and do FET now, it's me that's holding us back. So, to keep the peace I decided I will go for FET in May, I'm just worried that I may back out of it with more excuses. I just don't know if I can find the strength to go on if I have another BFN at the end. I'm in a hole and don't know how to get myself out of it. I'm soo stressed, I feel that I am alone and nobody really knows how hard it is but you ladies. It's sad because I'm already setting myself up for disappointment :(
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
Tax Deduction for Us Unfortunate Infertiles
KB just reminded me of this so I am reminding you all -- make sure to claim everything you've spent on IF treatment this year, including meds, trips back and forth to the RE (you get 24 cents per mile), even all the money you spent on the stupid pregnancy tests -- it's all deductible if it exceeds 7.5% of your adjusted gross income (we spent over $30K this year, so fuck yeah, we qualify. It would be more than that, even, if I could find the rest of our receipts.).
Here's the link to the IRS publication: http://www.irs.gov/pub/irs-pdf/p502.pdf
Here's the link to the IRS publication: http://www.irs.gov/pub/irs-pdf/p502.pdf
YOU'VE GOT TO BE FUCKING KIDDING.
Okay, so I just called for my fertilization results and I can't believe out of 20 eggs ONLY 5 FERTILIZED!!!
I am so over this. I am going home to cry and eat. This is bullshit.
Hi, girls! I wondered where everyone went...
I don't know the whole story, but I hear it had something to do with the lack of free speech. I know I said some things that would probably get me banned, so I wonder why I can still sign on. Hmmmmm....
So glad you all reconvened here on a site where we can be free to say what we feel.
I have pretty much been staying away from all things fertility-related, b/c I finished 3 IVFs with nothing to account for them, so I was pretty bitter.
I just had my retrieval yesterday for my next cycle. Transfer will be Friday, and I am already feeling the rage from Progesterone. I want to smack something, anything. Preferably a pregnant woman. I am feeling guilty because, after the third time my mom told me to " talk nicely to my grandbaby eggs" I told her I will no longer be discussing my infertility openly with anyone, and I will let her know when I get pregnant. I am tired of her chirping like this is something as easy as going to the store to pick up milk.
Oh, and I could have killed my husband yesterday when he actually complained about all the times he has to whack off in a cup. Are you serious?
I haven't had a chance to read all of the posts yet, but I am sure they will be great!
Nice to be back with you all!
Babywarrior /Becky
Hiding behind the veil of infertility...
I work in retail - a high-end fitness apparel store. I live and work in an area of NYC that is FULLLLL of babies, nannies, Bugaboos and baby bumps (yeah for me). These lovely pregnant women and mothers of infants, as well as Dominican nannies, frequent my store on a daily basis and it wasn't until yesterday that I realized that I am purposefully acting disinterested in their JOY.
I know these pregnant women want me to congratulate them on their baby bumps and comment on how well the groove pants still make them look slender even with their 5 1/2 month teeny tiny bulge. I hear them, while in the fitting rooms, talking about how big their boobs have gotten and how they are so upset that they can't spin 4 times a week anymore. They sport their baby bumps, their 7 carat diamond rings and their perfectly coiffed, side-swept bangs and I can't get them out of my store fast enough.
Then I have to contend with the Stroller-Moms, who have JUST given birth, talk not only about their lactating HUGE boobs, but how they use to be a 2 and now they are a 6 and they so can't wait to loose the baby weight. Their babies are cute, small and foreign to me. The come in sporting the Baby Bjorn, the Camelean Bugaboo, equiped with a Gucci diaper bag and of course beaming from their accomplishment.
I hear these ladies talk about how it's their 2nd or 3rd baby and it was so easy to get pregnant and deliver - one women who just had her third talked about how she has twins that are less than 2 at home and she works full-time. It's a safe assumption that working moms in NYC with 3 babies under 2yo have 1-2 nannies helping them attain their greatness in society - oh, poor them. It's another safe assumption that a women looking like she is in her late 30s/early 40s with 3 babies under 2 did have IVF... but I don't dare make that assumption out loud.
I just blankly stare at them and sometimes I am able to squeeze out a strained smile, but mostly, I find myself wishing that I could do a disappearing act and wake up on a sandy beach with a pina colada in my hand.
What the hell can I say to these women? I don't feel guilty for not joining in the female circle-jerk that occurs in my store, but I feel awkward.... I feel out of place and odd.
Just needed to vent a little because obviously none of these women in my store could stomach my story of my missing baby bump.
I know these pregnant women want me to congratulate them on their baby bumps and comment on how well the groove pants still make them look slender even with their 5 1/2 month teeny tiny bulge. I hear them, while in the fitting rooms, talking about how big their boobs have gotten and how they are so upset that they can't spin 4 times a week anymore. They sport their baby bumps, their 7 carat diamond rings and their perfectly coiffed, side-swept bangs and I can't get them out of my store fast enough.
Then I have to contend with the Stroller-Moms, who have JUST given birth, talk not only about their lactating HUGE boobs, but how they use to be a 2 and now they are a 6 and they so can't wait to loose the baby weight. Their babies are cute, small and foreign to me. The come in sporting the Baby Bjorn, the Camelean Bugaboo, equiped with a Gucci diaper bag and of course beaming from their accomplishment.
I hear these ladies talk about how it's their 2nd or 3rd baby and it was so easy to get pregnant and deliver - one women who just had her third talked about how she has twins that are less than 2 at home and she works full-time. It's a safe assumption that working moms in NYC with 3 babies under 2yo have 1-2 nannies helping them attain their greatness in society - oh, poor them. It's another safe assumption that a women looking like she is in her late 30s/early 40s with 3 babies under 2 did have IVF... but I don't dare make that assumption out loud.
I just blankly stare at them and sometimes I am able to squeeze out a strained smile, but mostly, I find myself wishing that I could do a disappearing act and wake up on a sandy beach with a pina colada in my hand.
What the hell can I say to these women? I don't feel guilty for not joining in the female circle-jerk that occurs in my store, but I feel awkward.... I feel out of place and odd.
Just needed to vent a little because obviously none of these women in my store could stomach my story of my missing baby bump.
Monday, March 8, 2010
Checking in... been away a bit
Sorry I've been away. I've been on an IVF hiatus. No thinking about, reading about or talking about IVF. It's kinda been nice. Looks like I've missed a BUNCH. Sounds like we have some BFP's in our midst. Don't worry gals. I love ya anyways!
So, I got my AF yesterday. First one since D&C 5 1/2 weeks ago. I know it's completely insane, but we had lots of BMS... and I was just hoping...
Also got the results of the genetic testing back from embie. Turns out it was a chromosomal anomoly... and was never a viable pregnancy. They said it was Trisomy 15. I don't know if that makes me feel better or not. Finally get one to stick & it's not good anyways. She told us it was a little girl. That was just really upsetting to me. I wish she wouldn't have told us that. It was a little easier I think when it was an embie & not a girl. Still tearing up think about it.
So, my RE broached the subject of Donor Eggs. Looks like I'm just an all-around poor responder. She didn't say DOR, but she danced around it. Sucks. We went into this thinking we were MF alone & this should be easy... silly us. She said since we did the package deal & have one more try, lets try again with mine, but to keep DE in our thoughts in case it doesn't work. Frankly, if the next try doesn't work, I don't know that we'll try again. Plus, we're just broke financially from all this IVF & there is NO way we can aford the extra for DE's. That said, I was telling my mom & sisters (all great, btw) about it & two of my sisters offered to donate thier eggs. Needless to say, we all had a bawl about how great that was. The benefit is that it would save us some money, but at the same time, it would still be extra cost. Anyways, it's definitely something to think about.
So, I got my AF yesterday. First one since D&C 5 1/2 weeks ago. I know it's completely insane, but we had lots of BMS... and I was just hoping...
Also got the results of the genetic testing back from embie. Turns out it was a chromosomal anomoly... and was never a viable pregnancy. They said it was Trisomy 15. I don't know if that makes me feel better or not. Finally get one to stick & it's not good anyways. She told us it was a little girl. That was just really upsetting to me. I wish she wouldn't have told us that. It was a little easier I think when it was an embie & not a girl. Still tearing up think about it.
So, my RE broached the subject of Donor Eggs. Looks like I'm just an all-around poor responder. She didn't say DOR, but she danced around it. Sucks. We went into this thinking we were MF alone & this should be easy... silly us. She said since we did the package deal & have one more try, lets try again with mine, but to keep DE in our thoughts in case it doesn't work. Frankly, if the next try doesn't work, I don't know that we'll try again. Plus, we're just broke financially from all this IVF & there is NO way we can aford the extra for DE's. That said, I was telling my mom & sisters (all great, btw) about it & two of my sisters offered to donate thier eggs. Needless to say, we all had a bawl about how great that was. The benefit is that it would save us some money, but at the same time, it would still be extra cost. Anyways, it's definitely something to think about.
Sunday, March 7, 2010
This Season on the Real Housewives of Infertility…..
[Picture yourself with big hair, lots of makeup, and slutty clothes then cue the music.]
Can the missing Demold ever be found? Miss Mango eggs on a never-ending stream of catty comments about fertiles and evil sister-in-laws. Jes faces death due to an undiagnosed ectopic….will she survive? Kelsey, Barren-Bipolar, and JPS are overcome with tears and explore alcohol with negative Betas and miscarriages…and there are even rumors of special brownies! Will Lizz get a written apology from the hospital which screwed up ICSI? Raven comes to the realization that her ovaries are not younger than their biological age and starts auditioning young girls to be her “Ovary Angels”. Will Holmes vagazzle herself for her studly GI? She was heard saying “every girl needs a little bling.” Can LAP continue to get everyone to call her “Baroness” now that she is pregnant? BB gets her SISTER pregnant! Have one or more of the girls become drug pushers? Marriages stretched to the breaking point…can they spring back? How wild do the girls get when Kiellara takes them on an alcohol-filled weekend transported by Zeppelin? Is Golde a crack-whore? Has KB started a new religion worshiping Joan? Watch Dotty become part of this cult and experiment with honey, tea, candles and dust….will it work? Was Summer murdered in the bathroom late at night? Are the blobs growing? Will the girls combine their forces to destroy the evil Dave? Watch this season to see!!!
My only excuse is that my depression has led to many too many hours of watching this Bravo Series! My apologies for scarcsm regarding your real situations. This came to me during a dream last night! Feel free to have a cat-fight regarding your role. I’m sure there is some “lost tape” out there for the “Watch What Happens: Reunion Special” ---what do you think the highlights will be?
Can the missing Demold ever be found? Miss Mango eggs on a never-ending stream of catty comments about fertiles and evil sister-in-laws. Jes faces death due to an undiagnosed ectopic….will she survive? Kelsey, Barren-Bipolar, and JPS are overcome with tears and explore alcohol with negative Betas and miscarriages…and there are even rumors of special brownies! Will Lizz get a written apology from the hospital which screwed up ICSI? Raven comes to the realization that her ovaries are not younger than their biological age and starts auditioning young girls to be her “Ovary Angels”. Will Holmes vagazzle herself for her studly GI? She was heard saying “every girl needs a little bling.” Can LAP continue to get everyone to call her “Baroness” now that she is pregnant? BB gets her SISTER pregnant! Have one or more of the girls become drug pushers? Marriages stretched to the breaking point…can they spring back? How wild do the girls get when Kiellara takes them on an alcohol-filled weekend transported by Zeppelin? Is Golde a crack-whore? Has KB started a new religion worshiping Joan? Watch Dotty become part of this cult and experiment with honey, tea, candles and dust….will it work? Was Summer murdered in the bathroom late at night? Are the blobs growing? Will the girls combine their forces to destroy the evil Dave? Watch this season to see!!!
My only excuse is that my depression has led to many too many hours of watching this Bravo Series! My apologies for scarcsm regarding your real situations. This came to me during a dream last night! Feel free to have a cat-fight regarding your role. I’m sure there is some “lost tape” out there for the “Watch What Happens: Reunion Special” ---what do you think the highlights will be?
Tuesday, March 2, 2010
Monday, March 1, 2010
To Adopt or Not To Adopt
So DH and I had some hefty discussions over the weekend. It all started on Friday night. We went to the clubhouse for dinner. It was packed and the staff was nice enough to seat us in a side room. So basically we had it all to ourselves. DH was pondering an initial job offer that had come through which would allow him to work in Atlanta. Somehow during the conversation it turned to whether or not we would do another IVF, donor egg and then it moved to adoption. All of it was good thoughtful conversation until I started bawling like a baby. It just came from out of nowhere. DH was shocked and worried about me. Luckily this happened at the end of the dinner after we had paid and were getting ready to leave. We went home and talked a bit more. I felt better and then we fell fast asleep.
Saturday we didn't really talk about what happened but were very productive and did "10" errands as DH likes to proudly point out. Honestly, he really does need a medal for bouncing around town with me! That night we went to a 40th birthday party in our neighborhood. At the party this couple (who just moved in next door to our friend) walks in and brings their 5 day old little girl who I avoided like the plague. DH spoke with them briefly. He's much stronger than I. Two of our other friends have the cutest 18 month olds. After seeing all this cuteness DH pulls me aside and says, "Maybe we can adopt a baby. I want a baby." So cute & sweet. I wanted to bawl again but maintained my composure since we were at the party.
So DH did some online research this morning and we realized how much it might actually cost to adopt! Holy buckets. Is it really $30k? During the application process do they look at your bank statements, etc.? Should we have more than the $30K in the bank excluding 401K's, IRA's? Anyone know anyone who has gone through this?
Looks like I'll be eating ramen noodles for the next few months to help pad our bank accounts!! Oh, and on a more positive (I think) note...my beta is down to 700 from 5800. My body is getting back to normal faster than I thought it would.
Saturday we didn't really talk about what happened but were very productive and did "10" errands as DH likes to proudly point out. Honestly, he really does need a medal for bouncing around town with me! That night we went to a 40th birthday party in our neighborhood. At the party this couple (who just moved in next door to our friend) walks in and brings their 5 day old little girl who I avoided like the plague. DH spoke with them briefly. He's much stronger than I. Two of our other friends have the cutest 18 month olds. After seeing all this cuteness DH pulls me aside and says, "Maybe we can adopt a baby. I want a baby." So cute & sweet. I wanted to bawl again but maintained my composure since we were at the party.
So DH did some online research this morning and we realized how much it might actually cost to adopt! Holy buckets. Is it really $30k? During the application process do they look at your bank statements, etc.? Should we have more than the $30K in the bank excluding 401K's, IRA's? Anyone know anyone who has gone through this?
Looks like I'll be eating ramen noodles for the next few months to help pad our bank accounts!! Oh, and on a more positive (I think) note...my beta is down to 700 from 5800. My body is getting back to normal faster than I thought it would.
Sunday, February 28, 2010
Am I crazy or just a normal IF?
I was supposed to be having my 3rd beta tomorrow but instead I drove myself straight to my RE's office first thing Thursday morning and demanded one! I've been spotting on an off since before I got my positve results. (TMI alert!) I haven't worried too much because I know that can be normal and it's been very light and more of a brownish and some times pink. Well on Wednesday I noticed that I was having some odd twinges and abdominal pains. Not cramps...but definitely something. It had me a bit worried but I thought I'd wait it out a little while. I went to lunch with some co-workers and by the time I got back I realized that the pains had stopped! I was just thinking too much about it. But then I went to the bathroom and noticed that I was no bleeding. Red. And to top it off the twinges and pains came back.
I immediately ran into an emtpy office and called my RE's office. My nurse asked me questions about what I was feeling and about the bleeding and then continued to reassure me that everything I was telling her was common and to just take it easy, lay down when I got home, drink plenty of water and try not to worry (ha!). She did tell me that if I wanted to I could make an appointment for Thursday or Friday for another beta. They would have done an u/s but it was just too early in the pgncy for them to see anything. I told her that from her reassurances I felt okay about it and if it didn't go away or if it got worse over night I would call them the next day.
Sure enough that night, even though I went straight to the couch and didn't get up for anything until it was time to go to bed, the bleeding got a bit worse. Needless to say the next morning I didn't even bother calling them. I went straight to their office and got there right after they opened.
Thankfully when I got the beta back that afternoon everything was great!! My beta was 989.9. Exactly what it should be!! I felt 100 times better! And that night the bleeding even went back to a brownish spotting. But because my RE was so happy with my beta #'s they decided I didn't need to keep my appointment for another beta on Monday. I'm wishing they would've kept it, especially because I'm bleeding again today. :o( I feel like it's probably nothing again but I just can't help but worry! Is it going to be like this the entire pregnancy?! Or at least 1st trimester?! Do fertiles worry about every little thing like this?
I immediately ran into an emtpy office and called my RE's office. My nurse asked me questions about what I was feeling and about the bleeding and then continued to reassure me that everything I was telling her was common and to just take it easy, lay down when I got home, drink plenty of water and try not to worry (ha!). She did tell me that if I wanted to I could make an appointment for Thursday or Friday for another beta. They would have done an u/s but it was just too early in the pgncy for them to see anything. I told her that from her reassurances I felt okay about it and if it didn't go away or if it got worse over night I would call them the next day.
Sure enough that night, even though I went straight to the couch and didn't get up for anything until it was time to go to bed, the bleeding got a bit worse. Needless to say the next morning I didn't even bother calling them. I went straight to their office and got there right after they opened.
Thankfully when I got the beta back that afternoon everything was great!! My beta was 989.9. Exactly what it should be!! I felt 100 times better! And that night the bleeding even went back to a brownish spotting. But because my RE was so happy with my beta #'s they decided I didn't need to keep my appointment for another beta on Monday. I'm wishing they would've kept it, especially because I'm bleeding again today. :o( I feel like it's probably nothing again but I just can't help but worry! Is it going to be like this the entire pregnancy?! Or at least 1st trimester?! Do fertiles worry about every little thing like this?
Saturday, February 27, 2010
Finding my tribe... way out in the blog~o~sphere!
I am newly added to this blog, but not newly infertile. I have been at this now for just about 4 years... my IF resume reads:
2 IUIs
2 Fresh IVFs
2 Frozen IVFs
2 losses
3 Fertility offices
and 4 IVF Doctors
I am a veteran and I'm not so proud of it, but I am proud of the strength I have found that gets me up and out of bed everyday and the smile I always seem to crack when I see my husband or my ability to still laugh at things that are funny. Besides that, I feel like a shell of a person, and yes, isolated from the rest of the world.
All this will hopefully be coming to an end and a new page will be turned in this saga. Hopefully a new character (or two) will emerge and the heroine and hero will have their day in the sun.
I am getting ready to do some more immunological testing - more specifically I am being tested for implantation issues. Finally I found a Dr at SIRM / Sher Institute that will not only listen to me, but also do tests that my other idiot Drs felt were "out there." Do I dare say I am hopeful....?
We have 3 frosties and once my tests come back and we see what's-what, I will begin another FET this Spring... gulp!
I am grateful to be a part of this amazing blog! Writing has kept me somewhat sane over the last few years and am so happy to have found a safe and supportive place to share my emotional guts - without being "kicked out!"
I look forward to reading all of the posts and more importantly I look forward to knowing all of you forever and ever.
Oh and if any of you live in or near NYC.... let's go get some lunch!!
2 IUIs
2 Fresh IVFs
2 Frozen IVFs
2 losses
3 Fertility offices
and 4 IVF Doctors
I am a veteran and I'm not so proud of it, but I am proud of the strength I have found that gets me up and out of bed everyday and the smile I always seem to crack when I see my husband or my ability to still laugh at things that are funny. Besides that, I feel like a shell of a person, and yes, isolated from the rest of the world.
All this will hopefully be coming to an end and a new page will be turned in this saga. Hopefully a new character (or two) will emerge and the heroine and hero will have their day in the sun.
I am getting ready to do some more immunological testing - more specifically I am being tested for implantation issues. Finally I found a Dr at SIRM / Sher Institute that will not only listen to me, but also do tests that my other idiot Drs felt were "out there." Do I dare say I am hopeful....?
We have 3 frosties and once my tests come back and we see what's-what, I will begin another FET this Spring... gulp!
I am grateful to be a part of this amazing blog! Writing has kept me somewhat sane over the last few years and am so happy to have found a safe and supportive place to share my emotional guts - without being "kicked out!"
I look forward to reading all of the posts and more importantly I look forward to knowing all of you forever and ever.
Oh and if any of you live in or near NYC.... let's go get some lunch!!
Thursday, February 25, 2010
Can't wait to meet you people in real life....
Had my "cyberdate" as DH calls it with "Shortee" from FT. We both have lining issues and she lives in the Chicago area. We went out to dinner and had some wine. Was great. So nice to be out with someone that "gets it". Someday...I am not kidding....we really all need to pick a central-ish locale and meet. Or Mexico. I know it sounds "gay" but I dont' know how I'd make it thru this crap without you guys. (awww....rainbows....leprechauns (st. patrick's day is coming...)...touchy feely warm feelings....sorry!) Ravenswood...our cyberdate will have to be soon!!
Infertility & Drinking
ShawLove's post inspired some new thoughts. It really sucks that not only do we have to deal with the emotional sandbags of infertility every day but we also find extreme comfort in a few adult beverages after experiencing said sandbags!
So this got me thinking. When I was in my 20's and not a care in the world I went out on the weekends and would have adult beverages with my friends. Only the weekends. In my low 30's after having met DH, I drank on the weekends with dinner or at an occasional happy hour. But, nothing dramatic. In my low 30's I was also in to marathon running and completed three successfully along with a handful of half-marathons. Now in my late 30's, infertile and post miscarriage I find myself wanting a drink EVERY night. This cannot be good for you. I tell myself it's part of my grieving process. But, is it really healthy to be drinking every night. NO! So how do you get past this hurdle? This has never been an issue for me.
So, this last week I joined a gym in hopes the exercise and weight loss will increase endorphins and help divert my desire for the drinky drink. I also went to the dentist this week and got some whitening trays that I will start tonight. One cannot drink red wine and have white teeth, right? And for fun I got my hair highlighted and cut by this amazing stylist in midtown. What else can one do?
I assure you I will have a drink or two tonight. I am going to a Tastefully Simple party. Gotta be social, right? My goal this next week is no more than 5 drinks (RE says that's her max number). Then maybe it will naturally decrease from there. It's also another week gone by, helping to separate me from the MC date. :-)
So this got me thinking. When I was in my 20's and not a care in the world I went out on the weekends and would have adult beverages with my friends. Only the weekends. In my low 30's after having met DH, I drank on the weekends with dinner or at an occasional happy hour. But, nothing dramatic. In my low 30's I was also in to marathon running and completed three successfully along with a handful of half-marathons. Now in my late 30's, infertile and post miscarriage I find myself wanting a drink EVERY night. This cannot be good for you. I tell myself it's part of my grieving process. But, is it really healthy to be drinking every night. NO! So how do you get past this hurdle? This has never been an issue for me.
So, this last week I joined a gym in hopes the exercise and weight loss will increase endorphins and help divert my desire for the drinky drink. I also went to the dentist this week and got some whitening trays that I will start tonight. One cannot drink red wine and have white teeth, right? And for fun I got my hair highlighted and cut by this amazing stylist in midtown. What else can one do?
I assure you I will have a drink or two tonight. I am going to a Tastefully Simple party. Gotta be social, right? My goal this next week is no more than 5 drinks (RE says that's her max number). Then maybe it will naturally decrease from there. It's also another week gone by, helping to separate me from the MC date. :-)
IM's with my mom. (I'm drinking a lot tonight).
3:00pmAlicia (mom)
Audrey & Elvin are having a boy!!!!
3:02pmLizz
i dont care about peoples new babies
3:03pmAlicia (mom)
That is a little selfish of an attitude .. Don't you htink?
3:04pmLizz
i think i'm entitled to be selfish, ivf sucks.
3:04pmLizz
you have no clue.
3:05pmAlicia (mom)
I can understand how you feel. ivf does suck. But still rejoyce in the blessing that others have and share in their joy.
3:06pmLizz
i hardly know those people and don't care about their new baby. you should be a little more considerate about announcing pregnancies to someone who is struggling with infertility
3:08pmAlicia (mom)
So sorry if this subject is a difficult one for you.
So if any of your siblings is going to have a baby or Irene or any one you do not want to know and be happy for them ...?
3:09pmLizz
i'll be happy for my realtives, not random people i don't know.
3:09pmAlicia (mom)
So sorry if this subject is a difficult one for you.
3:09pmLizz
i have to go
3:09pmAlicia (mom)
OK will keep it in mind and do not go there with you any more.
3:12pmAlicia (mom)
I will pray for peace and God's will to be done in your life. Love you.
The Dreams of This IF Girl
For years, I've dreamed that I have a baby...and have experienced life without the weight of infertility. Of course, that feeling is quickly snatched away within seconds of waking up to reality. Those dreams are both cruel and magnificent.
Last night I had my first miscarriage dream. It was relatively short and followed a very prolonged sexual dream. (I wonder if the "no sex" directive makes me paranoid even in my dreams.)
In my dream, I held the expelled blob in my hand and it looked like the artists' renderings of an embryo (not like the indistinct blob you see on an ultrasound.) I remember standing there in my dream, staring at this thing in my hand, looking to see if there was still a heartbeat (thinking maybe they could just put it back in.)
What a strange, strange dream. It actually took me a bit to snap back to reality after I woke up and realize that, as far as we know, there are still 2 blobs and 2 hbs.
I wonder how many Fertiles experience this kind of fear and paranoia in their sleep? My guess is that most of them dream of babies dressed in Easter finery, laying on blankets in meadows of flowers and bunnies...surrounded by perfect, happy, well-adjusted friends and family. That must be nice....
Last night I had my first miscarriage dream. It was relatively short and followed a very prolonged sexual dream. (I wonder if the "no sex" directive makes me paranoid even in my dreams.)
In my dream, I held the expelled blob in my hand and it looked like the artists' renderings of an embryo (not like the indistinct blob you see on an ultrasound.) I remember standing there in my dream, staring at this thing in my hand, looking to see if there was still a heartbeat (thinking maybe they could just put it back in.)
What a strange, strange dream. It actually took me a bit to snap back to reality after I woke up and realize that, as far as we know, there are still 2 blobs and 2 hbs.
I wonder how many Fertiles experience this kind of fear and paranoia in their sleep? My guess is that most of them dream of babies dressed in Easter finery, laying on blankets in meadows of flowers and bunnies...surrounded by perfect, happy, well-adjusted friends and family. That must be nice....
response to Krissy - natural FET
Krissy, my RE thinks that, I ovulate on my own (though irregular cycles). So they monitor the time of ovulation by doing US & measuring follicle size. When the follicle reaches 18-20 mm size, give HCG injection & then transfer blasts after few days (I think 5 days). Then take progesterone.
There is no BCP or Lupron, etc. Also if something does not look right, like the lining is not thick enough, etc they will cancel the cycle, embies remain frozen.
Also they have asked me to do LH tests at home, just in case there is a surge between US.
RE says if they have to cancel this one, they will do medicated cycle next time.
There is no BCP or Lupron, etc. Also if something does not look right, like the lining is not thick enough, etc they will cancel the cycle, embies remain frozen.
Also they have asked me to do LH tests at home, just in case there is a surge between US.
RE says if they have to cancel this one, they will do medicated cycle next time.
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
Cycle 2 jinxed.
Really? seriously? Below is the reply from a "friend" after hearing that our first IVF cycle failed.
"=( I am sorry to hear that! I'm sure it can't be easy sitting and waiting with anticipation! So have you thought what route to go if time #2 doesn't go well? Will you use an egg or sperm donor? I will keep you in my prayers!"
Gosh, I'm just trying to make it through the day, still healing from cycle 1 disappointment, trying to "look forward" to cycle 2....and she has the nerve to ask what will we do if that fails too!!!!
PS: this friend has a 5 week old baby.
"=( I am sorry to hear that! I'm sure it can't be easy sitting and waiting with anticipation! So have you thought what route to go if time #2 doesn't go well? Will you use an egg or sperm donor? I will keep you in my prayers!"
Gosh, I'm just trying to make it through the day, still healing from cycle 1 disappointment, trying to "look forward" to cycle 2....and she has the nerve to ask what will we do if that fails too!!!!
PS: this friend has a 5 week old baby.
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